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Fragile In-Law Situation (basically in-laws)
My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years; we're ring shopping talking about forever, the long haul, it's all but said and done. A kinda expected but none the less tragedy befell his family. His parents aren't dealing with it as well as he.
We don't live in the same state anymore. It's a 2 1/2 drive, with our dogs since we cannot find a dog sitter (one dog is a rescue and takes him awhile to warm up to strangers). He also pants so we have to have the windows down the entire ride.
They've been very needy and demanding of his time, he's a good son. So he gives it to them. All of it.
I was told I was being insensitive because I said I needed a break from them. Since the tragedy the week of Christmas I've seen them every other weekend for three months. I hadn't seen my own family who live in the same city as them; there just hasn't been any time after we're done with them. They've very emotionally draining and that was before the death in the family.
In the past two months we've had one two week break. So that means every other weekend after work we haul ourselves the 2 1/2 hour drive. We both work there's no time during the workweek for ourselves since we're on different schedules. We see each other in the evening but I'm either cleaning, cooking or getting some overtime in because we need the cash for all of these trips back and forth.
Not to mention one of the parents didn't accept me right away because I'm black. Tragedy or no, I still hold some animosity towards the way I was treated the first three years (it's only been three months since they suddenly changed their minds about me "supposedly"). Since the death they've been more accepting of me and want me around with my boyfriend all of the time. They haven't been really considerate of our time. Last Friday his father acted like two weeks was an eternity when I hadn't seen any of my folks for three. I've tried to get both families together at the same time but his mom and my mom are nurses their schedules conflict. I suspect my mother is dealing with depression; I'm not sure about my dad...but I don't know for sure since I'm never over.
I asked for a break from his family for awhile and was basically treated like I set an orphanage on fire and then danced on the remains. I waited until at least one of his parents was doing a little bit better to request this time away from them. His dad has been creating things for us to do which are a waste of time. They're very boring, not good at conversation. His dad is a constant whiner not to mention how disrespectful his dad is to his mom. Which makes me uncomfortable. I have no idea of how my boyfriend turned out as well as he did with the way his father treats his mother. He has these outbursts on her. Once it was over her hair. She had a messy bun. Apparently it wasn't acceptable. His father emotionally abuses his mother.
Has anyone been through anything like this? Will it pass? It seems like it's getting worse. In tough times I thought you're supposed to hold on to your wife or husband for support and they're looking to their son. And like I said we live 2 1/2 hours away. There was even talk of them driving up and spending the night. My boyfriend and I would have to give them our bed and squeeze ourselves on the twin we have.
I've been suggesting and suggesting therapy. They needed it before the death in the family and I think they're getting around to it. But as the girlfriend, soon to be fiancé. What do I do?
I'm all for hanging out with them, for a little while and as long as it's balanced. We've suggested we play cards, his dad says no. Physical activities are out neither one of his parents are in good health. Then there's the matter of the football tickets.
My boyfriend's dad...his only friend is his son. Help.
Re: Fragile In-Law Situation (basically in-laws)
Before the tragedy, how frequent were the visits? Is this an unusual increase?
I'm not trying to downplay a death in the family. But, at the same time, life for everyone else needs to continue on. I'm not understanding what they could possibly need that requires all those frequent trips. Is it just emotional support? Are they just lonely? Neither of those are valid reasons to guilt trip their son and his FI to make a 5-hour round trip every other weekend.
And, if that is the case, than WHY are they demanding you all make the journey all the time.
However, the biggest problem is, your FI. You can say the trips are excessive and too much. I can say the trips are excessive and too much. But if your FI doesn't agree and wants to constantly visit his parents. It makes the argument a lot tougher.
It sounds like you have already had this conversation with your FI, but you need to have a discussion with him about how the frequent visits are adversely affecting the relationship and then together come up with a solution. Maybe limit the visits to once a month for the next three months and then back to whatever the previous frequency was before the tragedy.
And if he refuses, don't go with him unless you feel like it. Maybe those frequent road trips will become a lot more unbearable if you aren't there to keep him company.
Something else I want to mention, and I hope I am reading into something that isn't true. But you mentioned YOU are working OT...for the extra expense of all these trips to his parents. AND you are cooking and cleaning. Please, please, please tell me that you are not the only one doing household chores...while holding a F/T job...while working extra hours just for his extra expenses....while he sits on his a** after work and does nothing. If anything, he should be doing extra household chores while you are working O/T to bring in more money for the household.
Oh no, no, no. Let's back this pony up shall we (that makes me laugh). Seriously, he has the stuff that he does and I have the stuff that I do. That's the crazy part to me. He's just as busy maintaining the house as I am. He's just as tired, if not more, than I am. He has a demanding job. There's yard work (which was shoveling in the winter) there's the dogs, he does all of that, if the car needs an alignment or washed, he does that. He does the dishes (I do the cooking) we take turns with vacuuming and the laundry.
He's awesome at that.
And he does agree that the trips are excessive. We're in the same boat kind of.
He got mad at me because he doesn't want to be with them alone and he says it's the way I said it. I've been saying for months I needed to see my parents, he acts like I'm joking or we're interrupted when we're talking. So there's a communication issue as well.
He does want me there and I don't want to leave him to them. They want to dwell and commiserate. I don't even think they realize it. When he comes back from visiting them he's very different...sad. I don't have a child but I imagine it's like when you send your child to daycare and they come back with habits you know they didn't learn at home.
He's handled himself...I can't say enough good things. It was very very rough at first but he evened himself out and he still struggles but it's more internal. I try to give him space when he needs it and be there when he needs me.
Yes, they're lonely and they want emotional support. But neither of them is interested in moving on. Like it's a betrayal to the loved one's memory. We finally got them to just start talking about therapy. His parents wants all of these trips down and back for any reason they can think of. His dad creates housework for him to do (they want to sell the house) so work around the house that takes hours. I feel like it's unfair to him to work all week then drive to his parents house to help his dad (which is his dad stand there and tells him what to do). While the ladies go to the kitchen. He and I are in the late stages of our spring chickendom...he'll be 33 this year I turned 29 a few months ago.
We had a party to go to after their house once, we were there for hours. Doing nothing but sitting there. His dad doesn't like to play family games because my mil always beats him. His dad says oh so soon? We were there for lunch and dinner. How much longer did he want us to stay?
They want company; but they never want to do anything.
I've been going over their house for years. I've only come over once to see his parents snuggled on the sofa. One is always in one room and the other in another room.
It is a very unusual increase. When we lived in the same town 20-40 min away from one another we did not see them this often.
His mom wants to mother me now. Mind you three months ago, his dad says, "Wow that's unlike the cat to warm up to strangers like that." WHAT! I've been dating his son three years (four year anniversary is in two weeks) I've been over their house every holiday and his dad still considered me a stranger.
We're in the same boat. He doesn't want to hurt his parents feelings. He even started calling them more often on a nightly basis and I had to intervene there. Because if he was having a good day and they weren't they brought him down. If he was having a bad day and they were having a good day he brought them down.
So now they just want us to be around all of the time. We went to a basketball game a few weeks ago instead of visiting them and his dad sounded like he was going to cry.
I keep trying to put myself in his shoes, but I can't see my parents doing this. I think all parents become a little needy. You're their child you've always been around and I'm trying to be sympathetic and not seem like a hard ass about it. But now he's going to be gone for two weeks (for work) and I bet dollars to donuts his first weekend back home they'll want to come and visit.
The house is a mess right now. We didn't get in until after 11 Sunday because we actually do have friends in town who missed us and wanted to see us. So after work yesterday we were both cranky and tired.
Once I said, we need to leave as early as we can; I have a bunch of work to do and the house is a mess. His mom said it'll be there when you get back. I said it'll be midnight when we get back! Apparently they're extremely sensitive so anything can be deemed as me being angry or rude.
I'm just looking for an objective point of view. I'm not against spending quality time with them. But the main word is quality.
I'm just looking for a solution to try to get them to see that they need to ween themselves off of us.
Thanks for the further information. Phew, I'm glad to hear my suspicion was wrong and he certainly does his share of errands/housework/chores. And I like your "back that pony up" phrase also, lol.
I totally agree with @joleri23. The time has come to set boundaries, but those boundaries need to come from your FI. You all have been great and understanding and very supportive. But you have your own lives also and responsibilities and you need to get back to those.
Doesn't your house need work or any upgrades you'd like to have done? And, if you rent, wouldn't you rather be putting some of that travel money toward a down payment for your all's own house? It's not your FI's job to spend most of his free time fixing up their house. It's not your FI job to be their only social life.
These are problems they have made for themselves. They're adults, they need to be more self reliant. I'm certainly not against people helping out family...but not when it is at great emotional/time/financial expense to one's own nuclear family.
He needs to put his foot down and nicely, gently...but firmly...let his parents know that, because of Relative A's death, the two of you have needed to put off other responsibilities in order to help them with this tragedy. But, you all need to get back to your normal schedule. When they start to complain and get upset, he can emphasize that of course the two of you will still visit them, but it will probably be more like once a month. Then he can add in they are also welcome to come down and visit you all.
Quite frankly, I find that the most galling. They make excuses why it always needs to be you all visiting them, but I bet most of it is THEY just don't want to make the 5-hour round trip. Yet, it's just fine and dandy for you all to disrupt your lives to do it all the time.
Of course, they will be upset. Of course they will load on a major guilt trip. Because that is the manipulation that works with your FI. They know that. But he needs to understand it and be strong. They will come to accept it and they will get over it, especially since less frequent visits is what has been going on for the majority of the time anyway.
In fact, I think it is more emotionally healthy for THEM to stop relying on your FI so much. They aren't getting over their grief because it is what keeps your FI coming back so often. Time for some tough love!
Thank you both. I'm trying to push him in that direction but your posts help me to understand that I don't need to push so much as guide. But I'm not so diplomatic when I'm tired. Which is what I was trying to explain and he took it all the wrong way.
His father has been terrible in this passive aggressive way. Telling him to "fish or cut bait" like my bf and I took our relationship slow on purpose who is his father to tell him how we should conduct our relationship? My parents have and would never. They'd ask how I felt about things and not push or suggest unless I asked. My boyfriend had to actually tell his dad the status of our relationship doesn't define how you treat her.
His dad was a mess before the incident.
They didn't want to see me before. Which I was fine with. Now I'm the best thing ever and they always want us around. I haven't changed anything about myself I was always this way; they just didn't want to see it for whatever reason.
They'd have to sleep in our bed if they came to visit. My bf thinks it's ridiculous for them to get a hotel room. I don't.
So the only solution I can come up with is for me to just see them once a month. He can go and see them as much as he wants and I don't know if that'll make things better or worse but we barely see each other enough as it is. Evenings are so short I don't feel like it's a date so much as going out to eat. And when we come to town we come in his car unless I drive myself so sometimes it's just easier if I go with him.
It really is too much. About two years ago the kitchen his father helped him fix up the cabinets fell (when we all lived in the same city). His dad would not come over to help him fix them for six months. Saying he didn't want to put anymore work into a rental. I even had to ask him myself because it had been six months of us having dishes everywhere. We'd have to get it fixed anyway because we couldn't just leave the place like that when we left.
When I started living with my bf his father was coming over less. Again I was fine with that, but when we needed help he waited six months to come on over.
Because of what happened they're eager to sell the house hence all of the updates and work. But now I'm starting to feel like that was an excuse to have my bf around more often because now they want to discuss staying and taking their time to find land and a house.
We just need something we can all do together. Football season is coming up (I know it's only spring but these things get hashed out early) my bf and I have seats on one side of the field that we lucked into but his dad still has the seats he got for him and my bf on the other side that aren't as good. When the weather turns cold my bf's mom doesn't go to the games. So his dad whines that he doesn't have anyone to sit with. So who do I sit with?
It's literally tug of war.
We also like to tailgate. My bf invites his dad to the tailgate and there's obvious a 20-30 year difference his dad doesn't fit in and everyone is too nice to mention it. There's drinking, cussing, inappropriate music at a tailgate so...I'll try to figure something out.
He's in a bad position because he doesn't want to be mean to his dad; but at the same time his dad isn't getting the hint. It's really frustrating. They don't get mean. They just start whining and crying and acting all butt hurt, it's embarrassing.
He and I both have normal transition stuff going on in our lives with losing loved ones, money, careers, our relationship ect that his parents either don't care or want to realize.
I like the idea of you visiting his parents once a month. But what if you still do the trips with him? You said your parents live in the same town as his. What if one trip you both visit his parents & then the next trip, you drive up with him & he drops you off to visit your family & heads off to his parents. So then you get to spend time together during the drive up & back, you get a break from his family and get to see your family. Maybe he can then stay for dinner when he drops you off before going to his parents or come back to get you early enough so he can spend a little time visiting with your family.
For football season, start thinking of family members from his side like cousins, uncles, etc that might enjoy going to a football game with his dad. If that isn't an option would be taking a friend for you guys be an option. Then he can tell his dad, I'll meet you at gate A at 12:00 PM. Then he can still tailgate with you and your friends & then go meet his dad and then you go to your seats with your friend. Then maybe the next game, you go & sit with his dad for a game, or half a game & then trade with FI. Then his dad would be able to see you in a different setting a see a whole new (and wonderful) side of you. Yes, he knows you have tickets and go, but he probably doesn't understand how much you really enjoy going.
Erikan73 that's brilliant. It's no shocker that his dad doesn't talk to any of his side of the family. To be fair, he's actually the normal one out of that family, smh. He is close (kinda) to his wife's side of the family. And I don't think any of them have ever been to the games! So that can work. And the whole meeting him at the gate thing is also a great idea. They did it once before but I don't know why they stopped doing it.
Sitting with his dad for half a game may be tricky since his seats are directly on the other side of the stadium from us but he's done it before. And then came back over with his dad...who was embarrassing and screaming and hollering at the top of his lungs (he's a big man) but that didn't stop him from jumping up on the bleachers. I know it's a football game, get hyped, scream shout yell. But he's in his 50s, omg. I really thought the night was going to end in the ER.
Thing is my bf doesn't want to visit his parents alone. He's away on business. He saw them 11 days ago. Little more than a week. He posted something to fb about how he was feeling today and his dad goes.."We miss you a lot. Hope you get home to us soon."
What!
Two days after visiting them my bf drove 14000 miles (with a coworker/friend) for work. He's still working. We don't know when the job will be done. And they have to come 14000 miles back. And his dad is once again thinking about himself and wants him to drive more to come and visit him?
I think he'll be back in enough time for us to have two weekends before my nephew's college graduation. I'm so proud of him
The only reprieve I've gotten from them was for him to be away. Because if they're not calling him, they're texting, if they're not texting they're e-mailing, if they're not e-mailing, they're facebooking.
I don't think I'm being unreasonable to ask for some time apart. We've driven back and forth in the cold, rain, snow since December. He's been sick. I've been sick.
I can't tell if they're aware of how needy they've become or not.
Like they're supposed to be looking for land now so they can build on it. I'm willing to bet they haven't done a darn thing waiting for my bf to be done with being away.
I'm just trying to help him with this really bad position they've put him in. Between choosing me and them. It shouldn't be that way. I have friends who have difficult mother in laws or guy friends with overbearing father in laws but not both parents who just can't exist without their son.
Wait, wait. So, they need their son to drive 10 hours round trip every time they need a light bulb screwed in (okay, that's pretty snarky, lol)...but then they are going to build a whole new house? Obviously they know how to call tradespeople to do work, time to get the yellow pages out.
It's too bad they haven't used his time away for them to transition into him being around less. Ugh!
No...they haven't. It's driving me insane.
short+sassy I wish you were! His dad let a light fixture sit on the floor that his son bought for the kitchen for over a year! It wasn't until we came to visit and had the time for my bf to put it up.
My father had the idea of me coming up with things for us to do before they can sink in. My bfs birthday was this holiday weekend. I told him I had some things planned. And they said they were going out of town.
I guess they wanted him to volunteer to go with them. We do enough driving back and forth and we know we were driving back and forth the following weekend so we opted to stay home.
He had a blast. I had all kinds of things planned. Dinner, comedy show, scenic route, the works because it's been such a hellish year.
My bf post to fb the blast he's had. And his father pops up, glad you had a great time, wish we could have seen you.
THEY COULD HAVE! They went on a five hour trip somewhere else. So we would have had to drive three hours get in the car with them and ride five hours to go on their trip?
I don't get where the disconnect is.
They say things like, you're all we have. And when are we going to see you again? Even though they just saw him two weeks ago.
I had a terrible outburst over this the weekend of mother's day. We had just finished looking at houses late (stressful) so we got into town late. They showed up to drop something off. Fine. He goes come out and say hi to my parents. It's after midnight and I just saw them two days ago. (In which they monopolized that evening they were supposed to drop off some paperwork we drove an hour and a half to meet them half way. And AFTER we got out there they decided to have dinner. We didn't get back until after eleven.) I said no. I don't look my best and I'm tired...I also knew I would see them Sunday.
They brought the dog. Why? The dog got out ran around our friend's house. Ran into our friends house. She's high energy.
Did I mention it was after midnight?
We were both hungry and tired. And somehow I was made out to be the bad guy because I didn't go to say hi. It's never just hi. It's a half hour conversation about stuff that can wait.
So to anyone else that's having this problem...you have to be consistent and you have to be firm. And find ways to remind them that their son is grown and living his life.
He's going to propose if not this year than definitely next and I don't want any of these shenanigans going on while I'm trying to plan a wedding.
If anyone else has any other advice. I'm free to listen. Because I'm this close to being disrespectful and I knew I would have been had he made me go out to say hi to people. I just saw two days ago and will see two days from then.
Just to give you an idea of what I'm dealing with. During Mother's day...his dad picked where we were going to eat. I thought his mother would have liked the nice Italian restaurant. But no...his dad said pizza. Classy.
Then pitched a fit because she served my bf who was sitting across from her, me and then her husband last. He got mad because he was served last.
My other friend did that same thing. He looked around at everyone saw that we were served first and started to cry...difference is...HE'S TWO.
It really makes me want to carry a pacifier around and pull it out whenever his dad acts up and asks him if he wants it. I'm not kidding.
The flip of this also is true - if you and your boyfriend don't want to visit as much, you are within your rights to not get in the car and drive.
The most you can do is decide with your boyfriend how to respond to their requests for visits, guilt trips, etc. The less information about your plans for the weekend that you tell them, the better. Learn to say no, and then follow-thru.
You already know that it's not healthy for his parents to be depending on their son for their happiness. You can't control them, but you can control you.
By the way, this is spoken from my experience of establishing boundaries with my ILs the last 6 months. Things are getting better, but it's difficult and you'll feel like a jerk sometimes. The keys are communication with your boyfriend, learning to say no and following through. Good luck!
@Disneygeek77, I was so sorry to read your story. My condolences for your little girl.
My father passed away when I was in my last year of college. I thought about going to grief counseling, but had the same attitude your FIL does @LuvlyLJ. What would be the point of it, it wouldn't bring my dad back, it would just be a bunch of sad people in a group. But I think that was a mistake. I spent that entire first year as just a "numbed" version of myself. It was actually pretty surreal. Everything was muted, as if I were in water. Colors were faded, I was less attuned to sounds, even food tasted more bland. It's like all my senses were dialed down a notch.
At any rate, I know I'm preaching to the choir about grief counseling.
He should talk to them about how much their behavior has changed. That they didn't used to be so needy and dependent on him and he misses the independent people they were. That, although he knows it will upset them, he absolutely needs to start limiting his visits to once a month for his own family and sanity.
I'd also point out to him and remind him that, when they start crying because they miss him (which is just so, so bizarre), they also aren't offering to make the drive to see the two of you. That totally belies what they are claiming to feel and he just needs to be strong about it and stand firm. By bowing to their manipulative behavior, he is just reinforcing it.
And the next time an "emergency" happens that isn't an emergency. He should be armed with phone numbers for services local to them. "Oh! You simply MUST clean grandma's house today? Here are two numbers for reputable movers who also offer packing services. Here's the number for your local Merry Maid. I've already checked them out, they have excellent Yelp reviews."
I have to admit, it is hard for me to know what to say to a people pleaser. I'm a people pleaser also, but not at the expense of myself. It's not hard for me to say no, even to close friends and family members. Especially if I think they are being out of line. My first line of defense is to please if I can, my second is to try and compromise, and third is to just start cutting people off...either by apologizing and hanging up the phone or excusing myself and leaving the room...if they keep bringing up the same disagreement that has already been hashed out a million times.
Although it is not my current vocation, I have extensive customer service experience. I will tell you, as crazy as it sounds, there are people out there who aren't happy unless they fill their lives with drama and problems. And darn it if they don't go out of their way to drag as many people down with them as they can.
Thanks for the update! I know making some of those changes was hard, even for yourself, but by sticking more firm with them, they are now starting to understand and respond in a more favorable way. I'm so glad things are getting better. Just stay the course, and make sure your FI does also, and I'm sure things will get even better. I'm also glad to hear they are getting the counseling they seem to so desperately need.
Congratulations on your new house!