Family Matters
JulienC
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Helping MIL move
My MIL moved down to KY to live near us while we were stationed there. I objected because I knew we'd eventually relocate and she wouldn't be able to follow us everywhere we'd move (which in the military is quite often). So husband rented a truck and moved her stuff from WI to KY. I believe we out of pocketed at least half the expenses. She wanted to live with us but it just didn't work out because she was tearing my husband and I apart. She rented several different homes/apartments and my husband moved her stuff each time. She did have a job when she lived near us. Right before we got orders to move to WA state she met a man and married him. That marriage crumbled after we moved to Germany. For two years she was paranoid that he was stalking her and she moved time and time again from one state to another (KY, TX, AZ) to live with relatives or friends and restart her life. She even carried a gun. She left all her household goods in a storage facility in KY. It never worked out for her because she's a difficult person to live with. She would leave on her own terms or get kicked out (happened several times). Basically, she made people feel like she was taking advantage of them and freeloading off of them. As of recently she moved back to WI and lived with my husband's father and step-mom for several months until they had to ask her to leave. She moved out, got a job, and is renting an apartment. I suggested to my husband that we move her stuff back to WI since nobody else will. She has been paying over $100 to keep her belongings in storage for over a year now. Eventually, I know he's going to end up doing it anyways because she's talked about how expensive it is for her to keep her stuff in storage. Since we recently relocated to GA and will be passing through KY on our way up to WI, we plan on stopping along the way, loading her stuff in a U-haul, and bringing it up there. Of course his mother is very happy. But I'm a little annoyed. She will be paying for the truck and the gas however, I'm stuck driving behind my husband in a car that I'm not really comfortable driving for 8 hours (especially through Chicago). I'm a small person and the car is much bigger than what I'm used to driving. It's the vehicle my husband always drives to work. I suggested we put the car on a trailer so that way my husband, son, and I could all ride together. I told him we can pay for the trailer. My husband doesn't want to change the plans because he said he would have to upgrade everything which would end up costing his mother possibly an extra $400 to $500. The original truck he reserved only seats two people (which I didn't know).
Although I can see where he's coming from, in a way I don't really agree. He is moving her stuff for at least the 5th time now. And he's always done it for free. Plus we have lended her money in the past and she's never repaid us the full amount. We have helped her out a lot. He doesn't want to ask his mother if she can pay for the upgrade so we can all travel together. I'm not sure how to feel about this. I feel that if she wants her stuff (which she does) she should be willing to upgrade because even though it will cost her she'd be paying way more than $1,000 if she hired an actual moving company.And from all the times she's moved I'd be surprised if she really cares how much this would cost her since she puts everything on credit anyways. But then I feel selfish for thinking that way. We are not in the financial situation to pay for this move. Originally we had planned to just drive up together to visit family. Since it's summer and really the only time he'll have leave until December, my husband and I agreed now is the best time. How would you handle this situation? I'm feeling a little bitter towards my husband because I told him that he isn't ever afraid to say no to me but can only say yes to his mom. I can't think of anyone in my family who would move my stuff for free. I know it's a mess my husband and I got ourselves into for moving her down there in the first place but then again who gets away with moving that many times for free? I'm pretty sure my own son wouldn't have a problem with telling me he's not going to move my stuff that many times. I don't even think his mother would say no to upgrading, I think it's my husband who doesn't want her to have to pay more money than what she is already going to pay. He is feeling sorry for her. He basically feels I should just suck it up and follow him up to WI to save his mother the money on the truck. I told him the least she could do is pay a little extra for all the times he's moved her for free. There has been other issues in the past where he's made me feel this way and I feel like we're drifting apart.
Re: Helping MIL move
And I'm not really sure why Chicago - which has major highways that you'd probably be primarily sticking to - is an issue.
Past that - you kind of contradict yourself. You're upset that your DH keeps moving her "for free" (I find it weird to want to put a price tag on helping out family) but yet YOU'RE the one who suggested doing it.
I think you need to step back from the moving issue and start looking at the bigger issue- how he won't say no to his mom but has no problem saying no to you. It sounds like you may have a "mama's boy" problem. And really- IMO - that means that you need to start being more firm with him. Make him "afraid", so to speak, of saying no to YOU. Force him to listen to you, to respect you.
PS Your H is NOT putting you first. That is essential that he does.
I am sure this did not happen right after you got married: he always had a problem enabling her and you looked the other way.
I'm feeling a little bitter towards my husband because I told him that he isn't ever afraid to say no to me but can only say yes to his mom. I can't think of anyone in my family who would move my stuff for free.
To counseling stat and if he doesn't get with the program, consider hanging it up. You are not there to be put last and you are not her moving service and you are also not her bank or her allnight eardrum.
And you said she was armed at one point?
Steer clear of her. Just for that alone.
I do not think she is emotionally or mentally stable -- no adult with all of their bearings moves and moves and moves and no adult that has his or her act together goes from one place to another because he or she is booted or just leaves.
If he won't go to counseling, bad news.
And if he refuses. rethink him. YOu want a husband, not somebody who makes you a fifth wheel.
Who knows? She may have had a major falling out with her daughter. Anything could have happened.
Just for the gun alone, I'd say goodbye to her. This isn't good and I would not be comfortable in her presence.
Think about what I said. It's essential you be a team and that you come first.
The one thing that caught my eye is She was living with her ex-husband and his new wife until they kicked her out? I get along with my husband's ex-wife but I don't believe I would have her living with us.
Your MIL is a very strange person.
Here's the thing- stop thinking about it and start TALKING about it. Don't put your head in the sand over this. As things stand RIGHT NOW - you absolutely know how this will go. Your DH will probably want her to move in w/ youall. So- start having the hard conversations with him. He doesn't put you first. He needs to. You need to start fighting for your marriage and for your place in his life.
This is classic enablement --- "I can't help thinking about what her future holds..." This is NOT -- repeat, not --- yoru problem.
That is her problem. This is for her to figure out and if she sinks like a stone, so be it. Let her get her shit together and figure it out for herself.
It is *only* going to cost you because the 2 of you cannot say no to her: unhealthy and this is nto what marriage is about: it's about the 2 of you. 2 is company and 3 is a crowd.
Counseling now for the 2 of you to learn to be a couple and have a healthy dynamic.
And if he refuses, tell him he can go home to his mother...wherever that home is.
I am serious. This will go on for years and during this time, you'll resent him and resent him and resent him and finally the whole issue will blow sky high. it won't be pretty.
YOu yourself need a rock bottom moment --- where you realize "hey, she's fucked up everything and I was a fool to be her stooge! That's it, this is over now"...but will you ever have it? Who knows???
None of this is your problem -- none of it! It is for your MIL to figure out and take care of --- you are an enabler and not a daughter in law. And you're a pushover and a doormat and an enabler for your supposed husband.
And what respect has he got for you, being he lets his mother take center stage?
What character has he got, that he puts you last?
What kind of maturity has he got, that he cannot stand up to his mother?
YOU make the call on this one -- do you want to go through life and 50 years of being some sort of watcher from the sidelines and coming in last with your alleged spouse instead of first and foremost?
Why would you want that for yourself?
Get out now before a kiddo comes into the picture and sees that the only way for a spouse to treat the person he married is as a doormat and a nobody. Because that is what you are to him: a doormat and a nobody.
You mean you've been having this shit shoveled at you for more than a decade?!
This is very very bad news for your child! As I said, not only is the kiddo getting the message that it is fine to disregard a woman's feelings your kiddo is also under a terrible strain with the problems you and your H are having--- why are you letting your child see this???
You have a lost cause on your hands.
After 10+ years expect nothing but the same in your future, IF, that is you do not leave his sorry ass.
After 10+ years of marriage he will be particularly vehement if you suggest counselfing. He's got it made! He talks to you any ole way, he treats you how he wishes, he sides with other people -- not just his mother -- and you are treated like a skivvy. He's not going to give up a good thing!
Take your child and go. Go anywhere: to your parents' house, to a shelter -- anywhere -- don't stay with him one second longer.
And counseling for you and the kiddo. Nip this in the bud now for your child before he repeats in lockstep the same thing your husband has done to you. Do you want him growing up the same way and then treating his spouse like the spouse doesn't matter???