The “F” Word and your Marriage

From the second she says “YES!” until the wedding bells ring engaged couples spend days, nights, and most weekends preparing in advance for the big day.  The perfect cake, flowers, colors, caterer, location, and music must be carefully selected in order to celebrate the beginning of their life together.  Although overwhelming, the bride and groom tackle the wedding planning together to create the day they have always dreamed of.  

After countless hours of planning, taste testing, dress shopping, tux renting, invite sending, flower picking, bachelor/bachelorette partying, and rehearsal dinner-ing the big day finally comes; vows are exchanged, a kiss is shared and Family, Friends, Faith, and Fun fill the atmosphere.  Surely happiness will remain between them Forever.  However, many newlyweds blissfully fail to acknowledge another “F” word that could make or break the quality of their marriage…and it’s not the one you are thinking of…

                Finances.

                It has been well documented that couples’ attitudes about finances have been a CRITICAL determining factor in their level of marriage satisfaction.  In fact, it has been referenced in scholarly articles as early as 1939. Regardless, it remains a major divisive issue in today’s marriages.  Many young married couples dream and plan for job satisfaction, home ownership, travel, quality time spent with children, family vacations, and early retirement.  However, when it comes taking the steps to make these dreams a reality, many newlyweds fall short. 

We can attribute this ignorance to a lack of financial education in the school system and at home.  Furthermore, many newlyweds experience emotional baggage due to money issues becoming a serious point of contention for their own parents. As a result of this baggage, newlyweds begin their life together with a multitude of negative mental scripts between them.  Believing that they don’t have enough money right now, thinking the difficulties associated with frugality won’t pay off, lacking understanding in regards to financial jargon, differing opinions about personal finance, and incongruent personal finance habits that were developed when they were single make up the mental “bricks” that build the wall between newlyweds and the marriage they dream of.

To put it simply, some like to save, while others like to spend. Some grew up with parents who paid for everything, and some grew up with very little parental financial support.  Some are very detail oriented, and others prefer to look at the big picture.  It certainly doesn’t help that we live in a consumerist nation which encourages the notion that the possession of the latest and most expensive thing will ultimately bring happiness (oftentimes at the expense of high interest rates and crippling credit card debt).  And overwhelmingly, the attitude is #YOLO…….rather than #delayedygratification (which I know isn’t a thing but it totally should be!). 

These mindsets can remain inconsequential for a short while.  However, over time, the small drips of ignorance from your financial faucet will soon flood every room in your house.  The honeymoon flame is extinguished and dreams of job satisfaction, home ownership, travel, quality time spent with children, family vacations, and early retirement are washed away.  These dreams are replaced with frustration due to lack of autonomy caused by overwhelming debt, resentment over the lack of financial transparency, dissolution about the certainty of their future together, and to top it off the sinking feeling of regret associated with ignorance toward financial planning.  That is why coming together financially isn’t as simple as “get on the same page” or “save more money” or “talk about any big or out of the ordinary purchases”.   

Although honoring the wedding vows calls for remaining together, “for better or for worse”, “in sickness and in health”, and “for richer or for poorer”, we never dream of a life with our spouse as “worse”, “sick”, or “poor” and we certainly wouldn’t consciously choose to live in those realities.  But choosing to do nothing to address any of these potential issues is still choosing! 

If you want to avoid the marriage straining problems associated with financial issues…yes, talk to your spouse about their dreams.  But don’t stop there, then talk about the steps you are both going to take reach them together.   CC debt, student loans, car payments, and other bank account draining expenses may cloud the picture of your best life together, but rest assured sunshine is the BEST disinfectant.  The light that shines on your problems will bring them to the forefront of your consciousness.  It will allow you to make decisions with your future in mind rather than the present.  Although this #delayedgratification isn’t easy or popular (cool, tight, 100, ill, sick, groovy or whatever the kids call it these days…), it is simple and will be the key to unlocking the marriage you dreamed of during your engagement. 

Finally, know that you can save money on one income.  Know that you can overcome the negative mental scripts you and your partner have about money. Know that honoring your father and mother can begin by breaking the cycle and learning from their mistakes rather than mirroring them.   Know that that you can merge bank accounts and still enjoy your own spending money.     Know that debt, student loans, car payments and other financial strains can be overcome in order to reach financial independence.  Know that it doesn’t take an IQ of 200, Harvard MBA, or 15 years of experience on Wall Street to make sound investment decisions.  Know that together you can afford retire, travel, take stress free vacations, and spend quality time with children well before age 60 without ever having that “6 figure” salary.  The momentum you need to reach your dream marriage starts when you and your spouse say, “yes” your financial plan together so that your fairytale beginning will be followed by a joyful and fulfilling journey that ends even BETTER than it began.