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Adult Child of Divorce?

My parents recently had a huge fight and my mom has moved out. They have been married for 38 years next month, and have had their issues but always worked through or dealt with them. This is by far the worst fight they've ever had, and neither parent has even thought of moving out. Both say they are done with the marriage.  I live several states away and am struggling with this, although I am 26 years old. My heart breaks for them and I don't want them to be lonely, die alone or not have anyone helping them or taking care of them. Although they are only ~60 years old, I worry about one of my parents collapsing or having a heart attack and not having anyone to help them or call the ambulance. 

I feel almost dumb being so upset over this. However, last spring my 26 year-old brother passed away of a brain tumor. At the end of October, my father in law passed away unexpectedly. The holidays and family time in general have been extremely difficult ever since. I was finally starting to think that life would get back to normal and we would start to establish new, happy family and holiday traditions. Then this happened, and it feels like it's almost too much. I am so grateful neither of them are passing away or coping with a horrible illness, but it still feels like it is re-breaking my already broken heart.

Is all of this irrational? If you are an adult child of divorce, how did you cope? What helped you to get through this stage and move towards acceptance? 

Thank you.

Re: Adult Child of Divorce?

  • I am not an adult child of divorce but I have lost a child and I wonder if perhaps your parents are having a difficult time grieving and it is manifesting in this way.  I don't remember wanting to divorce as much as run away.  I just wanted to escape and start my life over again, but deep down I knew that wasn't the solution.

    My suggestion is grief counseling for you.  You lost a brother and a FIL and that is a difficult thing to go through.  I imagine the counselor could also give you advice on how to process your parent's divorce.  
  • I am so very sorry for the loss of your child. Thank you @disneygeek77 That is helpful. I was thinking it may have had something to do with the manifestation of their grief.


  • I think divorce is hard for a child of any age.  My parents had a major fight last winter after 31 years of marriage.  They've had problems before, but my dad really broke trust and caused an issue like none they've ever had before.  My mom really considered getting a divorce and the thought devastated me.  They ended up reconciling.  I have no thoughts other than to sympathize.  Regardless of how old you are, a divorce alters your life and family structure and is difficult to come to terms with.
  • I am so sorry to hear this, @FutureMrsMerati!  Although it is not something I have been through, I think it is almost more devastating as an adult because nobody ever expects such a long standing marriage to end.  Reading your story, I also can't help but wonder if the death of your brother is a major contributing factor.  That kind of deep sadness can really alter how people relate with each other.

    I hope for everyone's sake they can find their way back to each other.  But, either way, you will find a way to persevere.  It is just especially hard right now because it is fresh and raw especially on top of the other tragedies your family has so recently been experiencing (internet hugs).

  • DH went through this a few years ago.  He was in his 40's when his parents split.  They're separated, living in different cities but not divorced.  FIL still sends half of his pension, so divorce makes this harder apparently.  

    DH had a hard time with it, but in the end he just wants his parents to be happy.  I think it was easier for him in one way in that he knew it had nothing to do with him and he was able to stay out of the middle of the arguments.  I think a lot of kids have a harder time with that, so that didn't affect him as much.  Basically, there wasn't much he could do other than be there to listen to his parents.  He's gotten used to it now, but he basically tried to ignore it, listened without taking sides and got used to the situation.  It really sucked.  Sorry you're having a rough time OP
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  • Thank you everyone for your advice and well wishes! I really appreciate it. 
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