Relationships
frvrartsy18
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Sister-in-law from hell
Hi,
We just got married on June 14th, and as you can tell we're having issues with his (younger) sister. The only thing I can say about all of this is that we're just flat out shocked and confused.
Back story: he and I have been together for 6 years. We met as teens. She and I became friends about 4 years ago. About 2 years ago, up to this point, I thought of her as my best friend. The one other person I could rely on.
Here's what happened: Back in December 2013, I had asked her to go to a bridal expo with me, to which she excitedly said yes to and marked her calendar and had me buy tickets. In March 2014, he announced to his family that he was planning on proposing later that year. Shortly after, she gradually started acting really weird. Things were fine for a while, until in about late June/mid July when that bridal expo came around. Legit the day before, she bailed. I was expecting a good excuse, turns out that there was an event at their church that same day that her bf was going to. She had to go to make sure this (might I add recently married and pregnant) girl that's been hanging around doesn't flirt with him. Conveniently, presently, they are good friends. I was hurt, but still went to the expo. I had tried talking to her, but it only ended with her crying (how she handles everything every time she did something wrong) and me dropping it.
A few months later, he proposed. Ever since that day, she started to talk excessively about her getting a ring and getting married to her bf. Never once actually focusing on what what going on right now. Yes, she was a bridesmaid.
Literally a month after we got engaged, she decided to create drama with her parents and make a huge split in the family that resulted in trying to pit everyone against each other, getting her church involved, and running away to live with her bf. I believed her side for a while, since she was my best friend, but recently found out that nothing she had said actually happened. I even went to bat for her. She played everyone.
She kept asking for all of her friends to be invited to the wedding, to which I had finally had enough and politely asked her to stop. We had already given her a plus 4, and the extra people she wanted to invite were just going to cause drama at the wedding because they were involved in sneaking her out of her parents' house and the split. When I addressed it she called me a bridezilla and said she didn't know that having them would cause trouble.
My lingerie shower rolled along this past April, to which she had RSVP's months ago. The morning of, she picked a fight with me by sending a text message accusing me of being a horrible, inconsiderate friend for having her mother in the car with her when we carpooled. I never said they were riding together. And also, things had seemingly started to be ok again on her side, but she all of a sudden started backsliding badly for no reason. It got to the point that she would have someone cover her shift at work if she knew her father was coming in.
She and another bridesmaid were in charge of my bridal shower in May. She, in her own words, said that she "wanted to take on most of the responsibilities so she can take the credit." (was very surprised to hear her say this because that didn't sound like the person I had thought I knew) A week before the shower (and a moth before the wedding), she acted nasty about mother's day and hurt her mother. I had tried to talk to her about how that was wrong and I understand where she's coming from because I have been treated like crap by both my mom and my sister growing up but that doesn't mean you go out of your way to hurt them. The I thought the talk went well and she seemed really receptive. Then I found out through my then Fiance that she had sent a nasty message to her mother that night. Upset, I asked her why she did that. She excommunicated me for 4 days after that, never telling me why or that she needed space. To which, after everything else that has gone on, I assumed she was done with the friendship and the wedding. I had to go through the embarrassing process of filling the other bridesmaid involved in on what was going on. After everything, she and I have gotten really close. She told me not to worry about a thing and she will handle everything herself. She did an amazing job and I am so grateful for her. A couple days before the shower, his sister came back in the picture accusing me of a bunch of stuff I never did or said. That Wednesday, she messaged both me and her brother that we needed to talk. She came to our apartment. On my drive over there from work, she was already picking a fight with me. When I got there, all she did was scream, cry, and disrespect me in my own home. Everything she said didn't make sense, she constantly contradicted herself, and had absolutely no sound reason for her actions. It was pretty clear she came there strictly to get her brother to chose her over me. When she didn't get her way she started fire balling and left. I sent her a message that night, apologizing, even though I didn't do anything wrong. Through everything, she has never once apologized. It's always someone else's fault.
My Bachlorette party was that Friday (two days later), to which she told both me and the other bridesmaid that she was sick and going home after work. The next day, the bridal shower, she showed up with nothing but a bag of chips. She was the one who was supposed to be planning this. No decor, no games, no gift. When she came, she kept complaining about being sick the whole time we were setting up. My other bridesmaid is a nurse and she noted that by the looks of her, not only is she not sick but that she never was. As soon as the last gift was opened, she ran out as fast as she could. Her mom was chasing her down trying to tell her goodbye just to be given the cold shoulder. Didn't hear from her again til the day before the wedding. We, the bridal party, were all driving down together. She showed up acting like nothing happened. At the hotel, she even asked to share a bed with me (to which I said I was already bunked with someone else). Day of, she acted totally aloof and was so focused on herself and how she looked. Didn't even pay me or anyone else one compliment. She kept wandering off to hang out with her bf and friends and my sister, my maid of honor, kept having to call her back because there were still things, as a bridesmaid, that she needed to be a part of. After the wedding, she "conveniently" left her stuff in our honeymoon suite. She went up with both me and my husband and kept making sex comments, making us feel uncomfortable. She also "conveniently" left stuff in my Mom's car, travel two hours out of her way to get it back, and then made up some story about how she wanted to surprise us with a welcome home banner and asked for the key to our apartment. My mom told her that she didn't have it and that my brother was house sitting and she could work something out with him. She immediately said that she probably won't have time to do that anyway.
When we got back, she has been nothing but trouble and clearly trying to create another wedge in our marriage. I finally had to put my foot down and tell her to leave us alone. But now I'm left with, why would you do this? You were my best friend and his sister. A bridesmaid. Why would you try to dampen one of the best times of our lives and now try to hurt our marriage? I just don't get it. Can someone please help me?
Re: Sister-in-law from hell
While she was a pill around your wedding, I would suggest not holding onto that forever. If, IF, she eventually grows up and realizes what an ass she was - don't hold it over her head forever. ESPECIALLY if she has the balls to apologize (doubtful, but you never know).
But really- for now and probably for a long time forward, just back away from her and keep your distance. She may never grow up and you need to start working with who she is NOW and not who you wish she was. Be civil and polite but just keep your distance.
And realize- she really can only drive a wedge between you and your DH if you LET her. So don't let her
If you stay in this "friendship" and "family relationship" you are forsaking your H inasmuch as that you are letting her come between the both of you.
And if he does not cut her off, he's got no spine and he is forsaking you.
Cut her off, boot her ass and do not speak to her again. And your H should act in concert with you. No questions asked: if she upsets you or if the friendship is simply over --- and it is over --- then she is out of your lives.
She "conveniently" left her stuff in your suite??? My goodness, how'd she get access to it? Very simple: You gave her the key or left the door open FOR HER!
Please be careful who you give access to. You know how annoying she is and you let her have access to your suite?? WHY?
My guess is you got all caught up in the "wow I have a boyfriend! Isn't this keen?" thing that you swooped down and embraced his sister as a friend -- in essence, she never should have been a friend of yours. Be nice to her, yes, because it is your bf's sis but that's about it: not friends.
You are part of this mess, because you didn't cut her off when she started this nonsense.
Cut her off now; better late than never. Make a clean break of it and do not say to her what you are doing. That will snowball and veer way out of control.
First off, congratulations on your wedding!!!!
Unfortunately, weddings sometimes bring out the crazy in people. And it sounds like she was already starting off with a scoopful of crazy. I suspect some of her earlier poor behavior was jealousy that you/her brother were engaged, but she and her b/f were not.
I know you were hoping to find a good friendship, that would grow over time, in the family you married into. Some people are lucky to find that. But she is not that person.
It sounds like she is fairly young and perhaps not "fully cooked" yet. It does take longer for some of us, lol. Perhaps friendship will blossom again after she has had time to mature and grow into herself.
But, for now, she sounds like a toxic person and a drama llama. Best to be avoided if at all possible and taken only in small doses. It sounds like your H supports you in this now and that is a very positive thing.
Don't let her negativity color your wedding day and the events leading up to it. I'm sure all the events from the bridal expo all the way through the wedding had more happy moments than bad. Focus on those.
It sounds like you and your H have cut her out of your all's life for the time being. Good. You are in a happy and exciting new chapter in your life! Relish that and enjoy being a newlywed.
Ok, I would like to start off by saying thank you for those of you who actually had helpful input. We, my husband and I, had to finally put our foot down last Tuesday and tell her to stay away. I personally wanted to do it way (WAY) sooner, but he and his family has a "never turn your back on family" policy.
Really??? And you get what at your expense?
Their advice wasn't worth a plug nickel. Your lives, your decision.
I would appreciate a little more understanding that there are more than just us involved, thus making the situation more complex. She and I were not friends for a long time, and I didn't befriend her because she was simply his sister. For a while, I thought she was a legitimately good person. I now see she was taking a more "keep your enemy's closer" mentality.
I told ya the blunt truth.
It seems that your DH is coming around. Good. But if he ever throws out this "our policy is never turn our backs on family" again, you need to remind him that YOU are family too and turning a blind eye to behavior that hurts YOU is turning his back on YOU. You're his wife. You need to come first.
And just an general FYI- certain people like to immediately jump to "Cut them out of your lives forever!!!!". When I see the name, I know the advice that is about to come. There are situations where I do think that's the best course of action - when someone is just SOOOO toxic. But your situation is not this. Yes- back away, get some distance. But your SIL is immature. That's all. And HOPEFULLY she'll grow up. She may not. You never know. But this is a situaiton where time and distance will help, but no one needs to be "cut out for life!" over this.
Either way, her actions are DESIGNED to create drama and frustrate you at every turn. If you confront it gives her fuel to engage in dramatics and make you the big meanie in her head.
You need to disengage from the drama for everyone's sake. That means, don't take her actions personally because she is in a haze of ramped up drama like a drug addict. Yes, she's still responsible for her behavior but you aren't going to get through to her using simple logic or your usual caring.
Step baaaaaaaaack. Change your mindset of her to one where you view her as the kid sister that is basically a toddler with a big tantrum problem and no knowledge of boundaries. Do you try to win an argument of logic with a toddler? No, it's beyond their grasp.
Consistent boundaries, CONSEQUENCES, unemotional and limited explanations of your stances. When she's crying and acting out? Don't be an audience. "Looks like you're upset, let's talk about it when you feel better." and follow through by hanging up, walking away, refusing to engage. Don't rise to the bait, because that is a major goal of hers. Don't be all hurt that she snubs you, doesn't do polite and caring things for or around you. Give that up for lost. Acknowledge her for who she is right now and come to terms with that.
Read a book about toxic people and it will teach you how to deal with this.