Family Matters
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He insists on helping us...
As everyone knows, my husband and I have purchased a new home. We will be moving in late September.
My husband does not want to hire movers this time. He will have one of my brothers to help him.
My father and I are close. He's a very caring and encouraging parent. He wants to help us move. Since my father is 64 years old and suffers from hypertension as well as arthritis, my husband and I do not want him to help us move all of our belongings. We think that my father is too old to be moving heavy objects. We just want our poor old man to take it easy.
Stubborn is my father's middle name because he insists on helping us. My husband and I think that my father's determined attitude towards assisting our move is very kind but we still don't want him to feel pain.
How do you deal with older relatives who do not want to be mindful of their health issues?
My husband does not want to hire movers this time. He will have one of my brothers to help him.
My father and I are close. He's a very caring and encouraging parent. He wants to help us move. Since my father is 64 years old and suffers from hypertension as well as arthritis, my husband and I do not want him to help us move all of our belongings. We think that my father is too old to be moving heavy objects. We just want our poor old man to take it easy.
Stubborn is my father's middle name because he insists on helping us. My husband and I think that my father's determined attitude towards assisting our move is very kind but we still don't want him to feel pain.
How do you deal with older relatives who do not want to be mindful of their health issues?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: He insists on helping us...
64 isn't so old or incapacitated that someone that age can't do anything physical. Nor should hypertension (assuming it's being treated!) really be a factor to keep people from being physical.
Now. the arthritis, I can't speak to that and I don't know how much it affects your father.
But be careful about putting your dad into a "little old man who is too decrepit to do anything" box.
That being said - a few thoughts:
1- don't tell him when you're moving
2- hire movers so that you don't need help
3- let him help but task him w/ easy tasks that won't affect his arthritis
It's not your job to limit a man's tasks if he is mentally capable of deciding for himself what he can and cannot do. It's insulting to his manhood. Remember, he wants to "be young."
However, you CAN decide a head of time all the boxes you want your dad to move. Maybe put them in one place and tell him - "That's your pile over there." So, you maintain his dignity, yet you steer him to lifting items that aren't going to put him into pain for the next few days.
Another great idea, is to have him be the "in the truck manager." Someone needs to be in the truck telling people where to put things to make a good "stack." He might like that leadership role.
MommyLiberty5013 said: It's not your job to limit a man's tasks if he is mentally capable of deciding for himself what he can and cannot do. It's insulting to his manhood. Remember, he wants to "be young."However, you CAN decide a head of time all the boxes you want your dad to move. Maybe put them in one place and tell him - "That's your pile over there." So, you maintain his dignity, yet you steer him to lifting items that aren't going to put him into pain for the next few days.Another great idea, is to have him be the "in the truck manager." Someone needs to be in the truck telling people where to put things to make a good "stack." He might like that leadership role.
If the tasks directly pertain to me, I have the right to decide who helps me with them and for what reason. I have never said nor implied that my father cannot think for himself. I do know that he is not mindful of how his illnesses affect his life because of the same pride you were speaking of.
You didn't talk about the reasons WHY. you just said "he has hypertension and arthritis". My DH has hypertension too. He doesn't pass out from cutting vegetables. Without knowing more behind your reasoning, I'm going to pull in my own experiences to work from.
We can only work form what you wrote. You didn't tell us your brother is 12 years older, you didn't tell us your dad passes out easily. The less information you give us, the more we're going to pull in from our own experiences. Give us more information, we can more directly answer your question.
And please show me where all these exclamation points are that made you feel like we were shouting? I used one, ONE, exclamation point after one pretty innocuous point.
Yeah...I used a total of 3 exclamation points in all 3 of my posts. The three I used were limited to one post and all limited to the last sentence. I did this, "!!!"
I agree with VOR, you gave vague information about your father and brother. And you also used language that described your father as "old and decrepit" or at least led readers here to infer that was what you meant.
You said in the OP, "Since my father is 64 years old and suffers from hypertension as well as arthritis, my husband and I do not want him to help us move all of our belongings. We think that my father is too old to be moving heavy objects. We just want our poor old man to take it easy."
Posters were responding to your bolded text.
Also, how on earth could any of us make an informed response when we didn't know he passed out cutting veggies? You left that out of the OP = your fault.. But you get annoyed with posters who respond based on the facts and data you did first provide.
I hear you - you have valid concerns about your dad's health. I get it. Then, move secretly or hire it done and don't tell him. Or, have him come and communicate your worry/concern but let him ultimately decide what he wants to do.
What are you going to do if he comes and he begins to move boxes - yell at him, tie him up, force him into his car to leave? I just don't see how any of us can insist our older parents in ill health do or not do certain things. They are still adults with their own mental faculties and while we have concerns (valid ones) for their well-being and health, they are ultimately in charge of their activities and bodies.
That's how I respond to family members with health issues - I share my thoughts politely and ultimately realize its their personal decision with what they want to or don't want to do.
What about having him help with lighter chores, like taking clothes you have hanging in your closet and putting them in the backseat of a car. Give him a cooler to pack up the fridge & freezer for you while the heavy stuff is being removed. Also you can put him charge of making sure all the closets and drawers have been emptied and if you plan to clean the house after it's empty. Maybe he can vacuum each room for you as it gets emptied. All those things would be helpful to your but would take into consideration the concerns you have about your fathers health.
You didn't give us a lot of information. Own at least that much while you're getting answers you clearly don't want.
The fact that I DID give you suggestions seems to be lost because you got defensive because I dared to say that you seem to your dad as being "decrepit". "Poor little old man" seems to means something else to you. That's fine.
But again- you KNOW how these boards work. I don't know you. I don't know the intricacies of you or your life. As slow as these boards are, people don't ask a lot of clarifying questions. It seems 1/2 the posters never even bother to come back, so.... I'm going to give advice based on what is put in front of me the first time.
Ack. And everybody who responded before in disagreement are a bunch of ogres and mean grumpy giants pounding their fists at you. Oh for heaven's sakes. You make yourself sound like a victim.
You were the one to call your dad a "poor little old man." You criticize us for making responses based on that. Are you seriously suggesting that we ought to have asked you probing questions on your statement...like..."Do you really mean to call him a 'poor little old man?'" How are any posters supposed to know that that's NOT what you actually meant in your OP?
That's like a poster stating she is sad and then a responding poster questioning her on the validity of her emotion - it doesn't work that way on here. You called him old, little and poor and that's what we responded to. How could we possibly know otherwise? Or, to know that that isn't want you meant?
Yes, you were talking to me about he exclamation points. All total (because I cannot sleep and I counted), VOR used a total of 1 exclamation point in all her posts. No other posters used exclamation points. I, on the other hand, used 3 exclamation points at the end of one sentence in one of my several posts.
So, for this discussion, you have been given a total of 4 exclamation points, 3 are from me. And, therefore you got sensitive about my 3 exclamation points. You don't have to deny it. So, to me this is proof enough that you are looking for insult here.
By the way, I don't go out of my way to be mean or rude to people on TN. I'm a very kind hearted poster here and will generally be diplomatic rather than stabby with folks, even if I disagree with them. But, what really gets me is when a person asks for advice or input or ideas, here and then gets responses and then treats the responders like the mean kids on the block.
I still stand by my original advice about your dad. And, I don't get how you laying out your physical problems ought to change our responses. Because I have my own share of health issues and I STILL stand by my opinion of your dad getting to decide for himself.