how to get DH on board with budgets

orangehills · August 2015

So, I'm having a tough time budgeting with my DH. All within the last month or so, we paid off our debt, got reasonable cars for our family. We met with our financial planner and got set up to hit retirement goals, so now we are saving the right amount to hit those goals. The next goal is we want to sell our house and buy a new one this fall while interest rates are low and house prices are reasonable. It'll be tight for awhile until he or I get another job that makes more, we'll only be able to put like $150 into our normal savings per month after all bills are paid. (We do have a large e-fund though). And if we want another kid down the road, we'll definitely have to be making more. But that's not for a few years. If something happened though, we could push money around and be ok even with a bigger mortgage payment. So the issue is, he doesn't want to be part of this budget process. I try to talk to him about the budget and he gets angry. He wants to spend more on a house with the idea that he'll be making more eventually. Um.. it doesn't work that way! We get a house we can afford NOW and when we make more, that money goes to savings, another child, etc. I'm turning into the bad guy because I'm only looking at houses that are in our budget that aren't going to cost a ton to maintain. Even though there are plenty of good houses out there that would work for us, he's not happy because it's not the perfect house. But we don't make enough to have our dream house at the moment, but most anything would work longer term for us than what we have now. Have any of you dealt with this? If so, how did you handle it? Did you just force them to sit down with you weekly, monthly? (We are in therapy about communication issues, so I'm working at it...)

CuriousKiddosMama · August 2015

I'm not sure if this would help him understand where you are coming from, but make 2 budgets and show him. One based on a conservative house, and the other based on his dream home figure. Maybe seeing it on paper, where it isn't such an abstract thought anymore will help him see where you are coming from, even if he doesn't agree.
I am with you. I wouldn't buy a house based on income you may make in the future. Too many things can happen and you may not get raises for several years. Yeah, it's not likely, but it can happen. And then you would be house poor and not able to do other things you want, potentially including having a kid when you wanted.

jtmh2012 · August 2015

orangehills said:

It'll be tight for awhile until he or I get another job that makes more, we'll only be able to put like $150 into our normal savings per month after all bills are paid. (We do have a large e-fund though). And if we want another kid down the road, we'll definitely have to be making more. But that's not for a few years. If something happened though, we could push money around and be ok even with a bigger mortgage payment. So the issue is, he doesn't want to be part of this budget process. I try to talk to him about the budget and he gets angry. He wants to spend more on a house with the idea that he'll be making more eventually. Um.. it doesn't work that way! We get a house we can afford NOW and when we make more, that money goes to savings, another child, etc.

Honestly, I think I'd be a little upset too. You tell him that you want to buy a house that you can afford now, not based on the more he'll be making later, but you start off by saying it'll be tight until you or him find another job that makes more. Not much different in my opinion.

simplyelise · August 2015

You guys need to wipe the slate clean and start from the other end. Every where you look into home affordability, you find a percentage range of your takehome. As a rule, your payment (principal, interest, taxes and insurance) should not be more than 25% of your takehome.

If things would still be tight with the more affordable homes you are looking at, maybe you guys really should wait until you can afford more. What is it about your current home that makes it so unliveable? Could you really not do two more years there?

On the subject of getting your husband on board, maybe you need to be more communicative about your feelings. Money is frequently actually about security for women. So you could say, "I know that if everything goes according to plan and we both make more in the next couple years, we will probably be fine, but it would make me feel vulnerable and insecure to be so stretched by a mortgage payment. I wouldn't be able to enjoy purchasing a dream home right now because I'd be so worried about what would happen if one of us lost our job or if we had a medical emergency or someone becomes disabled and unable to work."

CuriousKiddosMama's advice about the two budgets. But if you're already in some counseling about communication, maybe it would be good to bring this up as a topic. He can't just stonewall you and say "no". He needs to participate constructively in some way.

strickland8052 · August 2015

What if you guys talked to the financial advisor about the home purchase? I would imagine that he or she would recommend that you only buy a house you can comfortably afford now? Would DH be more willing to listen to the expert?

Good luck!

orangehills · August 2015

Our financial adviser thinks we should buy now since we'll have about a 100k down payment, no debts, and interest rates are going up. And DH isn't upset because I told him he needs to get a new job, he wants a new job, because he realizes he's grossly underpaid for what he does and he wants something better. But he's also put it off for years and is now upset that we can't afford more, and when I say we should wait or that if we buy and it will be tight, then he gets upset with that. I can't ever win. We did talk more last and with our therapist- and that's totally right simplyelise about it being about security. He did finally look at the budget though, so that's a step in the right direction!

Our house doesn't have a driveway and only a concrete patio backyard, and we have 2 cars plus a work truck. So my DH is always driving to a different place to exchange cars because there is no street parking allowed in our neighborhood unless you spend $50 a month for a permit, and there aren't any open permits right now. That's what we would like to change, that and getting a little bit of a yard for our dog and daughter. He bought this house a long time ago as a bachelor. If need be, we can make it work of course, but we were thinking now is the time to jump before rates start going up too much. We'll see...

brij2006 · August 2015

The rule is that your payment (on a 15 year mortgage) should not be more than 25% of your takehome pay. Run those numbers, and that's that. If it means you stay in your current home for a few more years until you're making more, then so be it. Don't buy a house you can't afford because a bank told you that you're approved for X amount, and that it's the right time to buy because interest rates are low. Interest rates are only a very minuscule part of the equation.

Sit down together and lay everything out in your current budget vs a budget with a home in the price range he is wanting to spend. See how much it will affect things.

Sorry, but $150/month to have extra just isn't enough. If something breaks and you have to tap into the Efund for $5,000, that will take almost 3 years at $150/month to build that $5k back up.

hoffse · August 2015

Yeah, don't buy a house based on future income. That's just a recipe for disaster. Honestly, a $150/month buffer wouldn't be nearly enough for me to feel ok either. H and I frequently have "surprise" expenses that cost more than that due to the nature of our jobs. I've never really thought about what my minimum buffer would need to be, but i don't think I would be comfortable with less than $300 - $500 or so.

That 25% figure does vary based on your income and where you live, so it's not a hard and fast rule. It is, however, a starting point.

If you have crunched numbers and determined that the home prices you are looking at give you only $150/month extra in your budget, I think that's your answer regardless of any debt-to-income ratio. Until your income goes up, you guys need to stay put.

Interest rates will likely be going up soon, but it's going to be a slow creep. We did have 15-18% rates in the 1980's, but we're not going to jump from 3-4% to 18% overnight (and I doubt we'll ever see rates quite that high in our lifetime again). Ultimately, the affordability of your home is way more important than nailing down a stupid low interest rate, especially because the slow creep back up is going to be just that - very very slow.

Keep in mind that higher rates also tend to depress house prices slightly. So there is some evening out that happens on the price side, which makes this creep even slower.

if you guys have this great downpayment and you know where you want to buy, then maybe this is the motivation your H needs to find a job that pays him market for his skill set (sounds like he's underpaid). That's step 1, and then step 2 is re-evaluating what you can afford with whatever the interest rates are then, while taking into account maintaining a sufficient buffer.

Sisugal · August 2015

When he gets his higher paying job -- he also can get his higher cost home.

strickland8052 · August 2015

Sisugal said:

When he gets his higher paying job -- he also can get his higher cost home.

This. Realistically, how long do you think it will take him to find a new job? The job market is really good right now.... it only took me 2-3 months. Even if it takes 6 months, interest rates should still be pretty good then.

AprilZ81 · August 2015

I've been job hunting since February and I only have a three week contract job to show for my efforts. NEVER buy a house expecting to get a newer/higher paying job. That is a nightmare waiting to happen (which you know).

vlagrl29 · August 2015

I don't have any advice on getting DH on board and my DH and I think pretty much the same when it comes to budgets. Just wanted to add that I would recommend buying a newer-ish house so you won't have any surprise repairs that will take out of your savings. We bought our house brand new and the only repair we have really had to spend money on was the air conditioner. DH has been able to repair our washing machine and a damaged part of our siding by himself.

short+sassy · August 2015

Something else to point out to him is it is this kind of reasoning that is partially to blame for the housing market collapse we had in this country a few years ago.

"It's okay I buy my house with an interest-only loan and five year balloon payment...because just think of how much the house will appreciate and how much more money I'll be making 5 years from now. Yay!" " If I wait to buy later when I could actually afford it, house prices will just get higher and I'll lose out on that equity. Must buy now." Nnnooooooooooooo.

csuave · August 2015

Congratulations on the progress you have made so far with your debt and goals!

I think your "gap" in perceived budget is too wide for this, but if it was something like $1000 or $2000 you may try to communicate to H in terms of opportunity costs. Something such as "I would feel comfortable if we increased the house budget by $2,000 but only if we agreed that buying a house for that total means no more hockey tickets and getting rid of cable."

orangehills · August 2015

He's coming down to reality. It's hard for him to get that we just can't afford the kind of house we dream of. Maybe down the road we can! But right now, we work full time and have a baby, I don't want my weekends to be cleaning and yard work, So a 1600-1700 sq ft house with a smaller yard is perfect for me, and in our budget so that we can still put at least 400 or so a month into savings. Much better than a bigger house where we put less into savings. So hopefully we find something that works!

MissKittyDanger · August 2015

I feel your irritation. I'm curious, would this be a starter home? If so, typically people go below their amount for a starter home. Bank said originally we could go up to $300K BUT we only feel comfortable doing $200K at max, we're looking at $184.

How are you approaching your husband about finances? Is it possible he's just responding in defense? I agree with PP that he should be looking at current income and that $150 would make me feel uncomfortable as well.

As PPs have said, maybe have your financial adviser speak to you both about this and explain why he shouldn't assume future income.

how to get DH on board with budgets

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