Family Matters
HLC23
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
BIL with bad manners or am I overreacting ?
Hi everybody
We have been married for a couple of weeks now, everybody that was invited came except my now brother in law and his wife they didn't come to our wedding, said he couldn't get time of work. After arrviving back home (wedding back in my home country so my grandparents could be there : ) ) as soon as my husband got his network back on his phone he checked for maybe a call or text from his brother wishing us congrats or asking how it went. We have heard nothing from him not even message, he knows we are back My husband is pretty hurt and doesn't understand why his brother can't be bothered to take 5 mins to call him .We have always wished them well and congratulated them on major events in their lives.He only seems to contact my husband when he needs something or needs help moving out . Are we the ones that should contact him and ask if he wants to see pictures? We only live 5 minutes from them, we don't get why he is ignoring us.What if months go past with no contact and we see them downtown do we ignore them like they ignored us? ( I know me and my husband wouldn't ignore them but we are both pretty hurt and wouldn't know what to say to them) I feel i may be overreacting but i know i would never do that to a family member even if i am not that close to them. Any advice would be great!
We have been married for a couple of weeks now, everybody that was invited came except my now brother in law and his wife they didn't come to our wedding, said he couldn't get time of work. After arrviving back home (wedding back in my home country so my grandparents could be there : ) ) as soon as my husband got his network back on his phone he checked for maybe a call or text from his brother wishing us congrats or asking how it went. We have heard nothing from him not even message, he knows we are back My husband is pretty hurt and doesn't understand why his brother can't be bothered to take 5 mins to call him .We have always wished them well and congratulated them on major events in their lives.He only seems to contact my husband when he needs something or needs help moving out . Are we the ones that should contact him and ask if he wants to see pictures? We only live 5 minutes from them, we don't get why he is ignoring us.What if months go past with no contact and we see them downtown do we ignore them like they ignored us? ( I know me and my husband wouldn't ignore them but we are both pretty hurt and wouldn't know what to say to them) I feel i may be overreacting but i know i would never do that to a family member even if i am not that close to them. Any advice would be great!
Re: BIL with bad manners or am I overreacting ?
If this is who he is, then you need to start accepting that and working with WHO he is not who you WANT him to be. If he isn't one to reach out, if he hasn't ever congratulated you all on other life events, getting married isn't going to suddenly change him into someone who does do this.
Does it suck? Sure. But part of this is on you. You need to respect that this is who he is.
Adjust your expectations and start dealing with him in a way that won't upset you.
Plus, what are they really "doing" to you? They aren't really ignoring you. They are just living their lives and it just hasn't occured to them to call you. Granted, it may never occur to them. But you have to also realize that while you just got MARRIED and had this big thing happen in your lives - they weren't there, they weren't involved. It's just not going to show up on their radar the way you seem to think it should.
Now, if the next time you all see them, if they don't say hi to you, THAT is ignoring you. But not picking up the phone on (what is really) your schedule doesn't mean they are ignoring you.
Yes, there are people who would still think to reach out to you when you got back. But again, proof is in the pudding here - that isn't what your BIL is like, that's not the kind of person he is.
Is he selfish? Perhaps. But again, you all need to adjust your expectations.
I could be wrong on this, but has your H contacted him at all? Or is he just waiting for the brother to make contact first? If it is the latter, your H should just call him! Maybe they don't remember which day you all were coming back. Maybe they are waiting for your H to contact them because they don't want to disturb the newlyweds.
Although I understand why this is hurtful, it sounds like this is the brother's modus operandi. And, unfortunately, even a big event like a wedding is not necessarily going to change that.
Thanks for the advice, i will keep it in mind
Thanks for the reply! No my H hasn't contacted him at all. He thought that it would be his brother that would call to see how things went rather than my H asking him if he wants to know how things went. We don't want the brother to think that we dont want him to see our pictures etc but we don't feel that its us that are the ones to contact first (if he wants to see pics and know how things go we thought he should be the one who asks). I have told my H maybe he should send a text but he doesn't know what to put, and said to me that his brother might reply with a not very caring message making my H feel even worse. I should mention that my H and BIL don't see eachother very often and his wife seems to not be interested in her husbands family ( she acts very cold and distant when we see her).
your DH and his brother aren't close. This is o.k.! Really, it is. I think you and your DH need to find some acceptance of this.
And this: We don't want the brother to think that we dont want him to see our pictures etc
Don't overthink this. TRUST ME - his brother isn't putting any thought to this. At all. He's not going to take your lack of contact or your lack of offer to see your pictures as any sign of anything. he isn't.
I get it that you want him to care. But really, right now is a good time to start accepting that this is who he is and he really probably doesn't care. You don't need to contact him about "we just got back from our honeymoon!", you don't need to offer him to see your pictures.
And I'll be honest - most people really don't care about seeing pictures of vacations. Even honeymoons. DH and I have taken some really fun vacations and outside of our parents, no one cares. It being your honeymoon really isn't going to change that.
I think back to when I was a kid (I'm old, cough, cough) and the joke was always about how people would invite friends over and then pull out their slide projector and show their friends reel after reel of their vacation pictures and how BORED the friends were.
I'm not saying I hate looking at friends pics - I do like to see some pictures here and there of trips they take. But I really don't need to make a point to go to their house and sit down and look at all their pictures. I've never, ever had anyone ASK this of me either.
I kind of think your expectations about people looking at your pictures is a bit misplaced in general, not even specifically about your BIL.
Thanks for replying and for the great advice! Maybe i didn't explain very good , the photos i was talking about are our wedding photos, we haven't even had our honeymoon yet
If you mean that maybe its not in his interest to see our photos like we wouldn't be interested in seeing his vacation photos then i can kind of understand what you mean. I think you are right in the fact that we need to change our expections, if we don't expect anything from him then we will not be disapointed. I am a young newlywed and new to inlaw relationships and kind of find in frustrating how some people act. So its great to have advice from other people.
Thanks for the reply!
And think about all the people in your life - some you like, some you don't, some you enjoy being around, some you don't, some you click with, some you don't. Being "Family" - blood or by marriage- really doesn't change any of this!
Don't expect your ILs to be "different" just because you married your DH.
Thanks! I guess I just expect things too much, expect how people should be now we are family etc. It is hard going into a family that works very different from mine ( I have a very close family). Your advice has been great
No way should they 'pry' into his life. She even said that her DH and her BIL have never been particularily close. This isn't about something going on in his life OTHER THAN him just living his life and doing his own thing. He doesn't have to be interested in his brothers life. It's really as simple as that.