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emily1004
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Sad about not being in wedding party
I have a very close friend I have known for the past 10 years, who was in my wedding party, and is getting married. I am extremely happy for both of them, in fact, my husband and I introduced the two of them three years ago. We have talked about her plans for her wedding, but she mentioned to me the other day, that they may not even have a full ceremony and just invite everyone to a reception. She also claimed she is not having a bridal party, but the groom mentioned another guy, was going to be the best man. I see what is going on here, they do not want me or my husband to be in their wedding party or at their ceremony, and we honestly have no idea why we would be excluded. Also, she has no siblings or close cousins. We still do thing together on a regular basis and I told her I will help her anyway I can. Even not being in the wedding party I can take, but not being invited to the ceremony, when other friends of theirs will be there. I understand it's their wedding and their choice but I am deeply crushed by being excluded. Should I say something to them? I'm not one to hold back my feelings and if I don't say anything I think I will become resentful. It's just a bad situation all around.
Re: Sad about not being in wedding party
First off, let the whole wedding party thing go. They are having either a very small wedding party or none at all. Either one of those options are fine. The fact that they didn't ask either you or your husband to be in their wedding party, while disappointing, should not be taken as a slight. For example, my sister...and we are the only two siblings and have a good relationship...did not ask me to be in her wedding party. And that was fine and her choice.
However, you got me on possibly not being invited to the ceremony. Normally, it would be super rude to ask someone why you are not invited to an event they are having...but then, it's weird and at least a bit rude they are having a different guest list for their ceremony and reception.
I know when I used to frequent The Knot, this type of set up was only grudgingly "etiquette acceptable" if the guests for the ceremony were a very small percentage of the reception guest list...like just parents and bridal party type of thing.
But if they are inviting other friends to the ceremony, but not you and your H, unfortunately, they may just not feel as close to the two of you as you all do to them.
Basically, your choices are to say nothing...but feel hurt and wronged. Or say something...which will probably just lead to an awkward conversation and you will still feel hurt and wronged, but maybe at least have an explanation.
If it were me, I have to admit that although my head would tell me to say nothing and just swallow my feelings...I might not be able to help myself to say something, just in the hope that I could get it out in the open and understand their decision.
She said that "they may not even have a full ceremony and just invite everyone to a reception."
Thank you, and you all are right. I got a ton of grief over things I planned at our wedding. They are our friends and I would never want to cause them unhappiness, especially during a time that is suppose to be one of he happiest times of their life. I'm just really thrown. The two people they chose to "stand up for them" are relatively new friends. They didn't even know either one of them when they were single. My friend has also claimed she can't stand the girl's boyfriend, so I don't get why he gets to be at the ceremony and we don't. She's a nice girl but she blows my friend off all the time. Also, in our families we a used to, "if you don't go to the ceremony, you don't get to go to the party". So this is all very foreign to me. I know it's their wedding, their choice...just venting.
I won't say anything, except I will be sad, not to get to witness the ceremony and leave it at that.
There is some debate about on this subject on TK, with the general consensus being that it technically isn't rude if it is truly a very small portion of the guest list invited to the ceremony.
But I'm with you @dutchgirl76. I would heavily side-eye a friend/relative who invited me to the reception, but not the ceremony. And, unless they were an especially good/close friend or family member, I would decline an invitation like that. It's just really weird. I mean, the whole point of a wedding is the ceremony! So, if most guests aren't invited to the most important part, why even have a bigger reception?
OP, I think you are handling the situation perfectly. I'm sorry you're disappointed and don't blame you one bit. Sometimes weddings bring out the crazies in people and/or highlight a character flaw. But it sounds like this person is a good friend. She has been a good friend before the wedding and she will (probably) still be a good friend after the wedding. I would focus on that and it sounds like you are.
Wait for the official invite, sounds like there are a lot of maybe's going on & until things are finalized, booked & invites sent, things can change. Maybe they plan to just to to the court house & do a ceremony there and then have a party for family & friends afterwards. I know the county near me, limits how many people can come to the courthouse to witness the ceremony due to space.
In regards to who they picked to stand up for them, maybe he gets along better with that guy then he does your husband and she felt that if FI picked that guy, she had to pick his GF to stand up for her.
If either the MOH or Best Man is married or in a serious relationship, they can't very well ask them not to bring their Siginficant others to the ceremony. Only way that would possibly fly not to invite significant others to the cermeony is say if the location of ceremony only allows for a total of say 8 people due to space and they each want their parents, so once you add two sets of parents, bride & groom & then MOH & BM, you have max capacity count.
Either way, does it suck that you weren't asked to be in the wedding party and it doesn't look like you are invited to the ceremony, yes it does. You have a few choices, suck it up & be happy for them & attend the reception, or decline invite to reception and just move one with friendship,or end friendship with them.
LMAO at bolded (and in agreement). Though, with that said, under most circumstances I think it is at least mildly rude to guests to invite them to the reception, but not the ceremony. It starts getting into "tiered" territory. And it can hurt people's feelings. Look at the OP!
For example, your cousin and her H could have chosen to have a small wedding and reception. I doubt any of the hundreds of parent business associates would have side-eyed this. Or they could have chosen to have the large reception and had the ceremony at the reception site. I get the attraction to have her ceremony in her hometown church, but then they are purposely choosing to not allow most of their guests to see the most important part of the day. While I don't think this particular example is a huge etiquette faux pas, it was still putting her vision ahead of what was most polite to their guests. I'm sure most of us had to make compromises for our wedding.
Heck, I had longtime visions of how I had always pictured my wedding. But, when push came to shove, so many of those things just did not fit in with my guest list or location and I had to give up on ideas I had always planned for. But that isn't a sad statement, I just went with what made the most sense and flowed best for the wedding my H and I were hosting.
I actually put the "at home" reception into a different category. That's typically something where people were invited to the ceremony and actual reception, but many guests chose not to go because it was far away. So the couple has a "come celebrate our marriage" party when they return. Which is a lovely idea. In other words, it is the guests themselves choosing not to travel to (insert foreign country) for the ceremony/reception, not the couple only inviting them to the reception.