Family Matters
janined22
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
MMM
Re: MMM
she gets really angry and tells me off and won't speak to me for a few days.
This? You have to realize that you aren't responsible for her feelings. She's putting unrealistic expectations on you. Really, she is. If she gets mad, that is 100% on HER. not you. HER.
You have to learn to let her get angry. You have to learn to set boundaries. Saying "no" is a boundary. Taking her out every other week is a boundary (vs going to her house nightly).
And my advice? Stop telling her WHY you can't come over. Just say "Sorry, we can't come over tonight". She asks why? Just say "we're busy/ tonight's not a good night.". PERIOD. Don't qualify it, don't explain it, don't defend it. I wouldn't even say "we'll do it another time". Just say "Can't come over" and leave it at that. Yes, she'll get mad - but LET HER. Just rinse and repeat. Even if you're just sitting at home in your underwear watching TV, you "can't come over".
She pulls out the guilt? "I already made food for you". You just say "I appreciate that. However, we can't come over".
I'll also ask- if your mom doesn't like your SIL, why are you telling her about plans you have with your SIL? You had to know how that would go over. Your mom isn't rational. don't give her more info than she needs!
If my DH went over to prevent her from being angry with him/us that would piss me off. I would be livid that when I tried to set a boundary he did not support me
It is very simple: stop catering to her. Simply tell her you are not available to be there night after night.
Your mother needs to get some outside interests! I am guessing she is either divorced or a widow; there is plenty for her to do that does not entail you and your H being her entertainment committee.
Do not enable here and do not be her codependent. She can volunteer, take night school classes, further her education, join a special interest group and otherwise find something to do whgere she will be out of the house and keep herself busy.
Thank you ladies, I have been thinking of doing just that. Standing up to her and letting her know that I do love her but that I need my space, I need my own time for myself, for my friends and for whatever. I love to read and I haven't even had the time to do so.
Thank you very much for the advice.
If it is convenient for you all, would it be possible to set up a standing dinner night(s) with her? I'm sure there would still be push back, but maybe if she had some security that "Wednesdays" were her regular nights with you all. She would back off some.
But, yeah, I work a full-time and two part-time jobs. I am a happy camper when I can just go home from my f/t job and relax for the night. I would never go to anyone's house...even my own mother's...for a few hours most days. My time in my own home is too precious.