Trouble in Paradise
greystreet718
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Would this bother you
So I had a miscarriage last year.. I was only 6 weeks but it was still devastating. I also gained about 15 pounds so on top of all the hormonal stuff and grieving I had to deal with none of my clothes fitting.. for no reason.. there was no baby. so one night as me and hubby are getting ready to get intimate. ( even tho I was going through all this I only stopped having sex for two weeks when I was going through the m/c.. I was told not to do anything. other than that I was still into it somehow) well I said im so sad lately,, I don't even feel like going places. im losing interest in things. he says " what if you lose interest in sex?! " all concerned.it just felt to me like that is all he cared about.. How about that I am sad.. that we lost a baby.. that I am grieving. but what if you stop having sex.. I just thought this was insensitive. and it worried me. I mean what if I got sick or paralyzed .. what is importatnt to him. this is also coming from a guy that pouts if he goes more than 2 days without it.. he sometimes forces me into doing it when I am exhausted.. he will talk me into it somehow always. what do u think
Re: Would this bother you
I'll assume you mean "forces", by he nags and nags at you so much it is easier to just give in and get it over with than argue about it anymore. I had a b/f like that many years ago.
But if you literally mean "force", as in marital rape, no question you need to get the eff out of there and yesterday. Call RAINN, find a domestic shelter, just get out.
Back to the less serious, though still serious, version. It's not unusual for couple's to have different "schedules". This is one of the areas where compromise on both sides is really needed. That means the person who wants sex less should at least be open to having sex a bit more often than they would prefer. On the same token, the person who wants sex more needs to not behave like a harassing 2-year-old throwing a tantrum when their partner says they are not in the mood.
You know why he bugs you and bugs you when you say you're exhausted? Because it works. Stop rewarding him for bad behavior. With the ex-b/f I mentioned above, I finally got to a point where I would nicely and calmly tell him, "Mike, I already told you no and that I am not in the mood tonight. You can either accept that and we can move on with our date. But if you are just going to keep trying to talk me into it, I will just go home." Worked like a charm every time.
In the case of being married/living together, I would say basically the same thing as above but then remove yourself from the situation if he keeps harassing. Go sleep on the couch or another room. Go into another room to read. Whatever. But don't tolerate listening to your H gripe and gripe after you have already told him you are exhausted.
As for his insensitive comment, I would actually give him a break on that. It sounds like he said it in the heat of the moment when he was trying to cajole you. I'm sure he is concerned about your feelings and also saddened by the loss of your baby, but we as humans sometimes say stupid, thoughtless things.
I'm so sorry for your loss! You're allowed to be sad. You're allowed to grieve. And this is the time when the two of you should be coming together to support each other. Because I'm sure he is sad and grieving also. Perhaps not as deeply. Perhaps in a different way. But it is still a painful time for both of you.