Family Matters
littledove308
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How to deal with crazy?
Apologies in advance for the essay.
In May 2013 my dad was killed in a motorcycle accident, aged 48. As an experienced rider there was nothing he could have done to have prevented it and he died instantly. This alone is painful enough for me to deal with and it is still very raw. A month later my nana, my mother's mother, also died, aged 87.
I have an older sister (S) and a younger brother (K). Other than my siblings we have no grandparents (that we have contact with) and virtually no extended family. The day my dad was killed my mother came home, as the police officer was stood in our living room after breaking our hearts, she threw her arms around us and said "we're going to be okay".
Fast forward to October 2013, my mother had paid for a family holiday for us all to get away from it all and relax a little. Up until this point we had all been very supportive of each other, we had bent over backwards to make sure she was never alone if she didn't want to be etc etc. A few days into the holiday and after a few drinks my darling mother comes out with a sentence that is eternally etched into my brain - "what would you do if mummy got a new daddy?". 5 months after the death of my dad, who she was married to for 25 years, she comes out with this. I understand she was grieving and didn't want to be alone but jesus christ spare a thought for who you're saying it to woman. My brother in law then went on to explain that she was out of order and it was inappropriate.
When we returned home we found out that she had been messaging a bloke on FB and had arranged to meet up with him. We only found this out as she disappeared for hours and wouldn't answer her phone, fearing the worst as we were all still hurting a lot over my dad, we checked her tablet to see if she had marked anything on the calender, just before we were about to call the police and report her missing we found out from her facebook messages that she had gone to meet this guy. I completely understand this was an invasion of her privacy but we genuinely were worried that she was dead in a ditch somewhere.
After this all hell broke loose, none of us could comprehend why she would sneak around in such a way and why she would be jumping into a relationship so soon after dad's death. We then found out that this guy was 14 years younger than her and had a criminal record, hardly an outstanding member of society by anyone's standards. Christmas was unbearable enough but with the added tension between us and my mother it was even harder. She had begun to prioritise spending time with the new guy to spending time with us, to the point where she was staying at his house more nights a week than she was staying at home with my brother who was 16 at the time. Things spiralled into full blown shouting matches and arguments like you've never heard before in your life, even to the point of having to pull her and my sister off each other.
After months of this I decided it was best for me to try and avoid speaking to her for my own sanity, she caused me instant anxiety whenever I spoke to her and only made grieving for my dad harder.
Its been nearly 18 months since I made that decision, we speak every now and then but she generally acts as if it never happened. I have tried on so many occasions to explain to her how much she has hurt me and my siblings but still she pretends like we're all happy families. My sister doesn't have any contact at all with her and my brother has to speak to her because he lives in her house (which she actually no longer lives in as she lives with her new guy). Since then she has enraged me further by using things like taking my brother for his weekly food shop as a tool to control him. He is 18 and lives alone in a 3 bedroom house because she basically abandoned him at 16 years old. She has had a life insurance claim from my dad's policy yet she refuses to give my brother any money to repair and maintain the house he is living in. Her new guy proposed to her earlier in the year, she announced it a month before I finished university (great timing, like i wasn't stressed enough) but has recently told my brother she doesn't think its a good idea. WHY ARE YOU STILL ENGAGED THEN?
I feel like at this point I should explain that this is not the first time this has happened to my family. When my grandma died in 2009, my granddad had a new girlfriend 2 months later and I basically cut all ties with this crazy person too. He ignores me if he sees me in the streets, nice of him isn't it? When this happened my mother was furious and couldn't believe how someone could do that to their family, she fought on the same side as us and was equally outraged. Now its her turn.
Basically this woman is bat sh*t crazy, and always has been even before my dad died.
Last week she text me and asked me if I wanted to go shopping with her. Just out of the blue, no lead up to it, no reason why. I said I didn't think it was a good idea. Considering I can't even look at her anymore because she makes me so angry, I thought this was wise. Then yesterday she texts me again, do I want to go shopping? This time I said yes. I still don't know why. I feel like she's leading me into a trap. She has caused me so much pain, heartache, anxiety, depression, she left us when we needed her and now she wants to go shopping? I can't be the only one who thinks this is bizarre?
Am I leading myself into a world of pain or is it worth going along to try and salvage the tiny shred of our relationship that may or may not be still there? It's worth noting that if I go along and we get into an argument, I can't just go home, she wants to go to a shopping mall an hour away from my house.
Re: How to deal with crazy?
I am so sorry for your losses! My own father passed away unexpectedly at the age of 49 (though that was almost 20 years ago).
But I am going to warn you, that you will not like the rest of my response. Your mother did nothing wrong in dating a new man within a few months of your father's death. Nothing. I realize it was upsetting for you and your siblings to hear, but people grieve differently and there are no timelines for when it is appropriate for someone to start dating again. I actually think it is you and your siblings who have been very unfair and hurtful to her. And, I hate to say it, but that is probably part of why she began spending more of her time with her fiancé (or b/f at the time).
The only fault I'm seeing here on her end is it sounds like she was a bit neglectful of her youngest son when he was still a minor.
In addition, the life insurance is her money to do with as she pleases. If she doesn't want to fix up her house, she doesn't have to.
My own mother start dating again about eight months after my father passed on. Not too much longer than the time your mother waited. She only dated one person...who is 10 years younger than her...and they are still together to this day. In fact, got married a number of years ago. From a daughter/son's perspective, it can be a little unnerving in the beginning. I do get that. But far, far worse would have been if she had spent the last 20 years alone.
She spent 26 happy and joyful years with my father. And I am eternally grateful to my stepfather for giving her the love and adoration that she deserves, along with 19 years and counting of more happy, joyful years in her life.
I hope one day you and your siblings can let go of some of your hurt and disappointment. And start to see it a little more from that perspective. My guess would be, if you could ask your dad, he would not want his wife to be sad and alone.
(Internet Hugs) I know you're hurting. That was devastating what happened to your father and think the grief is tougher when it is so unexpected. It's like, out of nowhere, your whole world tilts upside down. It was almost two years before I started feeling more like my old self again. But it does get better and the grief lessens a lot. Of course, you never forget, and there are moments...even all these years later...when some weird random thing out of the blue (a smell, a word) brings that raw grief back like it just happened, but it is just for a few moments.
Stay vigilant.
I also agree she's wrong not to take care of your brother, but now that he's 18 I'm not sure there's any action you can take. Sorry you are going through all this!