Am i justified?

Re: Am i justified?

• GilliC member

  

  September 2015 edited September 2015

  daisywalker said:

  I started dating my husband when I was 18. He was 28. about 2 years into the relationship, we had a little strain. After that when I tried to initiate sex, he kept telling me he was hurt and he needed time and I shouldn't push it. Since then, I didn't feel like we were close anymore. It felt like there was a certain kind of strain in betn. we went months without it. He simply had no inclination. Even when we were alone he found excuses. sex with me were absolute last priority. Before we got married, I believe it had  been atleast a year since we had last had sex. yes we fondled but never had sex.

  I married him. Because I loved him. I couldn't leave. I wondered how this was going to be ok, if it ever was. But it never became ok. same thing continued after we got married. Once ever fortnight, some fondling and once ever 1-11/2 month sex. when he wants, how he wants. I never felt like he needed me, cuz he didn't. I never felt like he wanted me cuz he didn't. Whatever love making did happen, if I can even call it that was with me turned away from his face. There were times when I was desperate for comfort, but all I got was an empty bed, a constant feeling of emptiness inside.

  This being the crux of the matter, along came other issues. My frustrations were raging high, he was having a hard time professionally so his frustrations were high. we were both isolating each other. I isolated him cuz I was so deprived and frustrated, and he isolated me cuz he believed I had ruined his life and life was bad for him. Then comes a day, when I come home after a 12 hr day to a yelling and angry husband, and I am just done. I want out. I am over it. It built up and one fine day, I was done.

  Now he keeps saying it ll never happen again. he makes excuses for his lack of desire, sometimes evades the question by saying it wont happen again. But truth is, he didn't make love to me cuz he didn't feel that desire for me and over a period of 4 years that this kept happening he totally crushed my heart. I cant seem to go back . Am I justified. Is my hurt justified. or should I give him another chance?

  WTF? 4 years of almost no sex. And how on earth did he get to "you ruined his life?!"

  
  

  It really sounds like it's time to move on. Yes, you are completely justified. But you don't even need to be "justified." Make the decision that is best for you, because that's what matters.

  
  

  Also, regarding your decision to marry him (and presumably part of your reason for staying), there is some wisdom in this that I wish I had known sooner:
  http://markmanson.net/love
  

  

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• daisywalker member

  

  September 2015

  Thank you for your reply. So I cant say it was 4 years of no sex. Lack of sex is one issue but the underlying feelings of not being wanted, or desired etc adds to it. So it was 4 years of scares sex yes. When I ask am I justified. I come from a culture where each decision is family based. So is this. My parents believe this can be corrected. They tell me your broken heart can be mended if you gave him a chance. but why should I give him that chance. Mind you, being with him entails a lot of compromises, which were acceptable/dindnt even feel like compromises before. But today, I don't want to give him a chance, make the compromises, and then try to fall back in love with him and learn to trust him. Finally it comes to this. My parents say if its what you want do it. We don't want that, we think its worth a shot but if you don't, then get a divorce. But they don't seem to believe that my reasons are justified . I end up feeling like I am being ridiculous and my reasons don't really have ground. Anyway thanks for taking time to reply. I read the article, and compatibility stands out to me. I thought we were compatible when I was younger, but as I have grown and become my own person, I have realized, we are not at all compatible. Our lives, our visions, our futures are completely different. I know what I have to do, I m just looking for approval to do it. And I mat never get that. So I have to do what I think is best for me.

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• GilliC member

  

  September 2015

  I completely understand where you're coming from. Both my parents and my XH's parents are still married. We stayed together trying to make things work for years because of the pressure. In the end, we split up and were both happy about it, but my mother said some terrible things to me about the divorce. Honestly, that was the hardest part, but like you said, I had to do what's best for me.

  
  

  (Seriously, she was awful. She even said, "It makes me sad that you're getting divorced, because it makes me sad to think that you're going to spend the rest of your life alone." FYI - She was completely wrong, because I've met a great guy since, and we are much more compatible than XH and I ever were. Plus we can take things as slow as we want, because there's no pressure at all to get married.)

  

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• Erikan73 member

  

  October 2015

  It sounds like if you are questioning if you made the right choice or not. I think you and your husband need to talk. You need to tell him about how you are feeling & what he does that makes you feel that way and he needs to do the same. You may need to involve a counselor to help mediate this discussion. Once it's all out on the table, then you each need take some time to figure out, are you each willing to make the necessary changes to make the other happy. Then based on that, you can determine, what the next course of action will be. If you still end up divorcing, you can at least leave knowing you gave it shot by talking. I'm not saying months of counseling, unless after some talking you think that it's helping the situation, then by all means continue.

  One other thing is that once you tell him about how the lack of sex and how it goes, if he doesn't understand why he has a lack of drive, maybe have him see a doctor. Maybe he has low testostrone. Then with his low sex drive, of course you are unhappy, your unhappyiness makes him unhappy which ends up in one big unhappy situation. Granted even if that is the situation, it sounds like you have other issues to deal with. But it would explain some things which may make it easier to start dealing with any other issues. In the end, you need to do what's right for both of you, but at least you won't be questioning if you are justified or not. You tried, it worked or didn't work and you move on.

   

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