Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How to tell the parents we're staying home for Christmas?
Last year I was not able to celebrate Christmas or Thanksgiving with my wife because I was out of the country for work. My wife and I do not want to travel this year for Christmas or Thanksgiving; we want to start a tradition of spending the holidays in our own home. We were married in 2014 and this year will be our first Thanksgiving and X-mas together. We live on opposite sides of the country from both sets of in-laws. We don't like travelling, especially during the holidays. In addition, staying at my wife's house is not comfortable - we have to sleep in a small bed, and my in-laws' cat aggravates my wife's allergies.
The problem is that my mother-in-law often uses guilt to get her way. We're worried that our decision to stay home for the holidays will be taken as an offense and that we will be guilted into travelling to see the in-laws during the holidays. I have issues with flying and I feel very uncomfortable on planes. We have very few days off with my wife's schedule and driving is not an option with our limited vacation days.
I have explained to my parents that we don't like traveling on the holidays, and they were understanding. They don't like traveling on the holidays either. My mother in law will not be as understanding. I am going to offer that they are more than welcome to come to our house for Christmas. (My in-laws won't want to; they hate traveling as well). My mother-in-law may see this as a slight and heave an enormous amount of guilt on my wife. My wife gets soooo stressed with the guilt. The way guilt is used is NOT FAIR TO MY WIFE.
We just want to have a calm, comfortable Christmas together and to not travel. Any suggestions for how to tell my mother-in-law that we aren't coming to her place for x-mas? I would like to broach this in a way that won't upset anyone or cause tension. We don't want to set a precedent of going to their house every year, because it will turn into a yearly obligation.
Any thoughts on how to broach this issue?
Re: How to tell the parents we're staying home for Christmas?
If she gets mad? Too bad.
It always astounds me when people will get so upset that a family member does not want to travel...but then they aren't willing to travel themselves either.
If I was in this situation, I would state the reasons traveling is not an option over the holidays. Uncomfortable, more expensive, allergies, not much vacation time...all good reasons. Repeat as needed. And if my mom started getting naggy/guilt trip, the conversation would be shut down and would be shut down each time she brought it up. It's just the way some people need to be treated.
Another option, is it possible you all would be willing to visit your MIL at another time of year? If so, offer to do that. Like, "Mom, flights will be twice as expensive and airports twice as crowded if we travel in December. How about we make a visit in March instead?"
Of course, I fall in the category of "holidays are nice, but visiting family is the main thing regardless of the time of year". I honestly don't understand the obsession some people have over celebrations/visiting HAS to be on Christmas.
As for telling them, honestly, I woudl NOT list a bunch of reasons. They'll look for holes. The shorter and simpler, the better.
And in the future when you go - allergies are a GREAT reason to stay in a hotel.
If her mom doesn't understand that,then she's just an amazingly selfish person.
Just a thought, but what if you tell them that due to the cost of traveling over the holidays and the limited time off you get, you won't be visiting (which is the truth). However, maybe you can work a visit to each set of parents for say a 4 day weekend at a different time of year. Like fly in Thursday night & leave sometime on Monday? This way they can still see you and you can travel at a less expensive time and less crowded too making the traveling portion easier.