How do you know if you should be a mom? (So many concerns)

dragonavicious · October 2015

LONG POST AHEAD!

My husband and I just got married in May and we aren't at a place financially to have kids right now but we have been together for 10 years already and I know that he would totally jump at the chance to have a baby. For me though, I just go back and forth on it in my mind. My best friend just had a second baby and my sister had daughter and that really got me thinking. So I just want to share my concerns and then maybe you can tell me if I should even consider trying for a baby?.

I love kids but I have never been interested in babies. They are okay for a few hours at a time but they are a lot of work and I prefer when they are a little older like 5 and up. I have a niece who I would babysit every Tuesday but I found myself so exhausted doing this.

One of my main concerns is that you will apparently love your baby more then your spouse (I read a scientific article about how the chemicals and hormones essentially rewrite your brain) and I really don't want that. I love my husband more then anything and we have always been number one in each other books (together since 8th grade). But I want to love any children I have too but I can't stomach the thought of losing my connection to my husband.

I am really good with older children and kids love me because I always treat them with respect and I don't talk down to them, but I am not very nurturing. I am a kind person and I love to joke and laugh (don't imagine me as an ice queen) but that innate ability to soothe and calm is not something I possess (To be fair my husband does have that).

I believe wholeheartedly that when you have a child you should put them first and I am concerned that I wouldn't. If I were to be a mom, I would want to be a good one.

I am somewhat concerned about the pain of childbirth but I am more concerned because strokes run in my family and I am scared of suffering a stroke or embolism during the birthing process.

I am concerned about my husband seeing me differently. I have read that some husband's can no longer see their wives as anything but mothers (even if they don't personally see the full brunt of the birth) and this causes them to distance themselves and stop seeing their wives sexually.

I am concerned that I would have a short fuse. I suffered from anger problems as a child and struggled in my youth to keep that under control. I have never ever attacked anyone and my anger now is only sparked by my twin sister (what are best friends for) but I constantly monitor myself to make certain I am not being unreasonable or flying off the handle. I have never exploded at my husband and now that I think about it I haven't "thrown a tantrum" in years but it makes me concerned that childhood anger would come back when I feel helpless and frustrated, which is a big part of motherhood.

Finally, my mothers side of the family may have fragile X syndrome (possibly, we aren't sure) all 3 of her brothers have slight to moderate retardation. They have to live off assistance but are able to live on their own with help from my mother and grandmother when it comes to issues like bills and sometimes medical care. I have seen how hard this is on my mother to care for them, how difficult their lives were growing up, and it really scares me. I only have sisters and so we don't really know if my mother is a carrier. When she was trying to get pregnant her doctor said she had a 25% chance of having a mentally handicapped child, and a 25% chance of passing that carrier gene to the baby.

Now why do I want to have a kid?

I do think I could be a good parent, at least when they are older. If I could just adopt a little kid, 4 to 9, I think I would be really good at it. I am especially good with difficult children (as I was difficult).
I really want to have a baby that is genetically mine. I am obsessed with family history and have traced branches of my family back to 300 AD, it would seem a shame to waste.
My husband is the only son of an only son of an only son, it would feel like a slap in the face not to continue that line.
baby would be a perfect mix between the two of us. A physically, human embodiment of our wonderfully intertwined lives.
My husband would be the absolute best dad in the whole world.

So why am I even bringing this up now? My mother had difficulty conceiving. She had 9 miscarriages and was only able to have us using fertility treatments. She has said that my irregular periods and often late ones closely mimic her and my grandmother. I am just concerned about missing my window. I am 24 now and wouldn't want to have any children until I was at least 27 or 28 but it still frightens me to think that I might miss out on the opportunity.

So am I over thinking all these issues (as my twin has said) or are these completely valid concerns on why someone shouldn't be a mom?

pb&fluff · October 2015

Holy Jesus. I need to take notes just to address it all, which I won't (address it all). Here's my two cents.

- You WILL love you child more than your spouse. And that's okay. If put in a position to save either my husband or my son, I would save my son, no questions asked. And my husband would want me to do so. Your child(ren) are literally a part of you. I can't even explain the love I have for him.

- The love you have for your husband and children are different. My husband doesn't just see me as a mother, we still have a sexual relationship. If this is a concern for you, you need talk to your husband about it.

- We struggled for awhile. All new parents do. It's hard to adjust to having a child in your house, little to no sleep for months, etc.

- I have a short temper as well. I manage to remember that he doesn't always know right from wrong, and I have to remember to use my words and not my voice. It's a learning curve. If you think you will have a genuine problem with it, I would talk to a therapist or someone else to sort of address that and work through it.

- You should probably be tested to see if you are a carrier for Fragile X. If you're not, problem solved. If you are, it is something you need to think about before TTC. There is the option for IVF with PGD, but that is incredibly expensive.

- Strokes and embolisms are caused by blood clots, not by anything during labor. If you are concerned you may have a clotting disorder that could be exacerbated by pregnancy, then talk to your OB about that.

- It is okay not to be in love with the newborn or infant stages. You just fake it till you make it. I loved fresh newborn, but from about 3-15 months it was just eh. But everyday, even amidst his "two-ish-ness," I am amazed at the things he says or does. I keep saying it's my favorite stage.

I do think you're overthinking a LOT of this stuff, though. JMO.

ETA: I feel like most people don't need to convince themselves whether or not to be a parent. You either want kids or you don't. A girl I work with has known forever that she just doesn't want kids. And she's married to someone who feels the same way. If you're considering that you may not want to have kids, it's only fair to have that discussion ASAP with your husband. Don't waste his time since you're on the fence. This should have been discussed prior to getting married.

brij2006 · October 2015

It sounds like you want to talk yourself out of having children. If that's the case, then please discuss this with your husband.

So I'm just going to address a few things.

1. Your mother and grandmothers' fertility has nothing to do with yours.

2. Strokes have nothing to do with childbirth.

PR/BR

- You will love your child more than you can ever imagine. Even when I was pregnant I couldn't get emotionally attached to our baby. But the minute she was born, I understood the love everyone talks about.

- You will still love your husband. I find myself loving him even more now that he is a dad. It's a different type of love.

- Depending how you view it, you may not put your child first. We are religious, and in our religion the order goes God, man, woman, child. We still continue to put each other and our marriage ahead of our daughter. She is not 1st in our household, but that is what works for us. Neither she nor our marriage suffers because of this.

- You may be surprised by your temper. I am very short tempered and can fly of the handle quite easily. The amount of patience I have for DD still shocks me. It's been 8 months and I have never once been short with her or yelled. Now ask me again when she's 3 and it may be a different story.

- Don't let the age thing for kids worry you. I nannied before starting my career, and my favorite age was 2 months - 2 years. But I can never imagine handing my daughter away at 2, because I don't care for the ages 2-8.

FutureMrsWright2012 · October 2015

Regarding Brij's point about your mom and grandmother's infertility not affecting you... this is true UNLESS you are a carrier for Fragile X, as it sounds like they may also be. Fragile X causes premature ovarian failure, so if you are planning to have children at any point, I would get tested for your carrier status ASAP. If you are a carrier and think you'll ever want to be a parent (even if it's not right now), you will probably want to freeze some of your eggs now. Otherwise, female Fragile X carriers often go into menopause in their early 30's. I know its not confirmatory, but if you have wonky cycles already and/or issues with anxiety, ADHD, and/or learning difficulties (especially with math), you are likely a carrier. Best of luck to you.

julieanne912 · October 2015

I just wanted to add that I had many of the same feelings you did at your age. In fact, I didn't even start wanting kids til I was about 28. You're 23. That's very young. Give yourself some time to be married, to save money, and to get your life in order, and stop stressing over other people's health issues. I know that now, at 33, I'll be a hell of a lot better mother than I would have been at 23.

And, for the record, I still have my doubts, I think many women do. I actually love babies but lose interest after they start talking. I've been told by pretty much everyone that it's completely different with your own child. And, since I'm the last one out of all my old friends to have a kid, I've watched them with their kids... women I never thought would have made great mothers are awesome with their kids.

RedAppleJellyBean · October 2015

One time a person told me "If you have any doubts about wanting kids, then don't have kids." Take that with a grain of salt, but it struck a chord with me.

Personally, I knew I always wanted to have kids. But I became unexpectedly pregnant and dealt with many emotions of not feeling ready the entire time I was pregnant. After giving birth, I never looked back. The love is incredible & life changing. I actually felt bad for people who never got to experience the love you have for your child. This is coming from someone who was never into babies OR children of any age.

It's life changing, but incredible. I do think you are overthinking a lot of things, but that's not a bad thing, since you clearly want to be a good mother. And it is completely different when it is your own child. I'm a different person than I was. I have a different marriage, but filled with more of an amazing different kind of love that comes with parenting a human you both created.

groovylocks · November 2015

So. Only good parents worry that they won't be good parents. Bad parents have absolutely zero insight and asking these kinds of questions of oneself requires insight.

So there's that.

I hated kids before we got pregnant. No, that's not accurate. I approach kids like i approach any adult. If you're lousy to be around, i don't like you.

That's mostly changed. Think of your brain like hardware and your thoughts like software. The brain experiences a legitimate firmware update during pregnancy. I used to think toddlers were the biggest pricks on the planet. I remember feeling that way and i still understand why i did. But I don't feel that way anymore. I want to pinch their cheeks and give them candy.

That feeling of aversion goes away. TIMES A THOUSAND for your own baby.

If your marriage is strong, you will grow closer to your husband through the love you both have for your child.

The only thing you probably should address before your water breaks is your extraordinary level of anxiety about every little detail. Because once you have kids, you kind of just have to go with it a lot of the time.

How do you know if you should be a mom? (So many concerns)

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