Family Matters
LauraMaplin
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Needing some advice because I can't stand my mother anymore (Please read, sorry for the long thread)
Hey guys, new to this forum so please excuse me if I do anything wrong!
I'm 19 years old and still living at home as I'm a university student. I live with my mother, my father and my sister who is 18.
My dad works long hours as he's an architect, ever since he became one my mum hasn't worked - He became an architect when I was 5 years old (Ish) as he went back to university to study.
As he was always away from home it was my mum that looked after me and my sister. She was very abusive to me. I can remember at the age of 6 I told a teacher about the abuse and instead of reporting it straight to social services the teacher asked my mum about it, which in turn lead to another beating, and I can still remember my mum saying "Are you gonna tell them I beat you now?" I was 6 years old!!! I was a baby.
So rather than working my mum spends majority of her time on facebook and has done for as long as I can remember (Well since when it came out I suppose?) When I was 14 I logged onto her laptop and saw she had been cheating on my dad. Imagine the trauma this caused for a child to see? I approached her about it and she denied it and threw abuse at me. She also got her sister involved who KNEW she was cheating and at the age of 14 I got messages from her sister (My auntie) telling me I should've been an abortion. To this day I no longer speak to my auntie.
This has lead to severe mental issues in me to this day. The only person that understands me are my sister who is now 18 as she's been through it and my boyfriend of 4 years as he has witnessed the verbal abuse numerous times before from BOTH my parents. I can't even move out with him yet as we simply do not have the funds.
My dad has become just as bad as my mother, I never told him about the cheating because I was threatened and I was worried it would tear his life apart but in my teenage years he stopped being the loving dad I once had and now we barely have a relationship despite living under the same roof. He calls me names, basically makes out I'm stupid all the time.
I will hear him and my mum bad mouthing me too all the time, it's gotten to the point now where I'm so mentally scarred that the minute I hear them mention my name I lay in bed and cover my ears, I can't stand to hear any more bad about myself.
My dad has openly admitted to me and my sister that if he had to choose he'd choose my mum over his children and I know this is true. He literally worships the ground she walks on and so do many other people, despite the fact she attention seeks and is incredibly fake.
Last Christmas my dad didn't have much money because we were in debt. Instead of splitting the money fairly to buy us all gifts he spent it all on gifts for my mum and me and my sister got nothing aside from presents from each other and grandparents. He said he hadn't had the money to afford us anything, yet he'd spent 1k on my mother (Easily more than that probably)
On her Facebook she has alot of virtual friends, mostly women however I ALWAYS see men comment on her posts about how sexy she is and she seems to entertain those comments but anyway, recently she posted a massive status saying that people were spreading rumours about her so she was deactivating her facebook (I used to say things like this at 13) Of course flocks and flocks of her virtual worshippers were commenting begging her not to go. For 4 days now she hasn't posted a single thing to facebook (However I have seen her using Facebook so it's clearly for attention) and her followers are posting to her wall constantly asking where she has gone, some even listing the perfect things about her. I just wish they would realise who she really is, and how all of this just makes her head even bigger. She also will occasionally post pictures of me and my sister and will get comments such as "Wow you are such a great mother" and "Lucky kids!" and I'm just sat here thinking really? Nobody REALLY sees how fake she is?
Everything I've done in my life has been done by ME as I've had no support from my parents. When my dad found out I was getting help for mental health he called me an attention seeker and basically threatened to disown me. I get panic attacks whenever I'm sat in the family living room with them and I don't even know why, I don't feel as though I have a family. The way my family acts is totally different to how my boyfriends family acts. There is no warmth here, no care.
Please guys can you help me or offer me advice? It's getting to the point where I literally cannot stand being around her, I can't stand hearing how pretty everyone thinks she is. I just know what when I move out I will never come back.
Thanks.
Re: Needing some advice because I can't stand my mother anymore (Please read, sorry for the long thread)
I'm so sorry to hear about the difficult life you have had. Every child deserves to have loving and supportive parent(s) and it sickens me that so many grow up without that.
But you don't have to let the abuse define you and I am glad to hear that you have sought out therapy. I know I am "preaching to the choir" here, but your primary goal needs to be finding a way to leave this toxic situation and these toxic people. Can you get student loans to help cover living expenses? Or get a full-time job and then go to university part-time? I know it will take longer to get your degree that way, but it sounds like that would be worth it to get out on your own sooner.
Good luck and I hope you are able to get out sooner rather than later.
First, I have also had a mother who has been abusive. Her abuse is mostly emotional and verbal, but I have had some physical, so I do understand the toll it takes. I also have a father who has witnessed her abuse and hasn't done a thing to stop it, which causes it's own problems.
If you have made the choice to distance yourself from your mother you need to have enough conviction to stand by it. No one needs to put up with that kind of thing, but if you continue to go back there is no one to blame but yourself for that choice.
I understand that it is frustrating that your father chooses to "side" with your mother. My dad has witnessed my mother being abusive towards us, but has many times explained that we are now adults and that we need to do what is best for us. He has expressed that he has taken his vow to be with our mother for better or worse and that ultimately she comes first. It doesn't mean that he cares any less for us, but he believes that he is suppose to stand by his wife.
For the longest time I couldn't understand how my dad could stand by her side no matter what, until my husband and I were tested. To make that long story short, his sister and I never saw eye to eye and eventually a very important event happened where she was open about standing against me. She tried to have my husband see her point of view in the matter, but he in turn was able to explain that even if I was completely wrong in my own choice I was his wife and it was not fair for his sister to put him in a position where he would have to choose. She actually stated "I don't care if she (myself) is your number 1 or 101, I have always been your sister." Basically implying that since she disagreed with me that he needed to side with her no matter what. As you can imagine that would have caused a lot of turmoil between him and myself.
The reason I shared all of that is only because you need to see it from your dad's point of view. You and your sister are now grown up and he is now faced with living at home with your mother by himself. She is who he will see everyday for the rest of his life, while you and your sister will come and go. Don't hold it against him for trying to keep peace in his own world, while you are also trying to find it.
I hope this long winded 2 cents of mine makes sense and was helpful. I hope that you will eventually be able to come to terms with everything and find peace.
Of course you realize this is toxic and unhealthy.
Get yourself to a counselor and steer clear of your mother and every person in that family who has caused you grief and trouble. It's essential for you --- you don't need the grief.
If you still live there, please move out. GO somewhere -- anywhere but there --- even if this means you get a one room flat that's not the greatest. You need to get away from these horrible people.