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MIL issue about watching brother in law's child?
Hello all, I've been lurking around on these discussion boards for a while and this is my first post of my own 
I'm just looking for any thoughts or advice I can get on this situation, because I'm losing my mind over here.
My husband and I have been married for just over a year. To say his family is difficult to get along with is an understatement. His mother is absolutely crazy- basically, it's her way or the highway.
So pertaining this this situation specifically, here's the back story- His older brother is a single father to a 6 year old little girl (he has sole custody after a gruesome custody battle with the courts). For whatever reason, husband's mom is stuck on the fact that because brother has a child, it's automatically everyone's responsibility to help watch her- and she has pounded this ideation into brother's head because he thinks the same way and doesn't hesitate to try taking advantage of it. Now I definitely don't mind helping out when we have time, but husband and I are very busy. We work all week and try to get other things done on the weekends (like fixing up our house, chores, groceries, etc) while maintaining a social life. We chose not to have kids right now because of this. The handful of times we have offered to help watch niece on the weekends so brother can pick up overtime hours at work, brother will drop her off bright and early- 6:30am Saturday morning, taking way our one day a week to sleep in- and won't be back to pick her up until after 7pm (even though he says he'll be done with his weekend work shift by 4pm). When we try calling him to see why he hasn't come to pick her up yet, he doesn't answer the phone. While I wouldn't mind watching niece for a few hours on a weekend here or there, having her with us for our entire day Saturday really makes it difficult for us to relax and get the things done that we want to get done on our day off. Because of this situation, and brother's flakiness about picking up his daughter, we have stopped offering to watch her. He was never grateful or even said thank you when we did watch her anyways. Husband has approached brother about it, but never gets anywhere because brother blows it off so he stopped trying (what's the point in keeping on saying the same thing over and over again and getting nowhere, ya know?), and any discussion with husband's mom has ended in a screaming match because she feels like "family should help each other out".
Fast forward to this past Saturday. I had my mom and husband's parents over for dinner. Now neither myself nor husband were in the room when this happened, my mother told me about it and she's never been the type to exaggerate or make up stories so I don't doubt it's 100% true. MIL starts complaining about brother, and how he will drop niece off and her house and not come to pick her up for hours past the time he said he would. My mother simply agreed with her, and said "I have heard he's done that to (me) and (husband) a couple times". At this, MIL flipped a switch and completely flew off the handle- started raising her voice at my mother and becoming very nasty. She began berated myself and my husband, saying how we never want to help out or act like family, saying things to my mom like "you have to understand, this is family you're talking about!" and "you have to understand (brother) works full time and he's a single father!" My mom calmly tried to explain her point, stating that "the thing is, they're newly weds and they deserve to enjoy their time together before they have children", and "it's not that they don't want to help, but they can't devote their entire weekend to watching (niece)", and "they work really hard all week too and enjoy their days off". MIL continues to bad mouth me and my husband to my mother, my mother is just in shock at this point and didn't know what else to say. Right as husband and I were walking back into the room, I witness MIL shouting "I'm so sick of no one wanting to act like family!" and got up out of her chair, and stormed right out of my house.
Honestly, I do believe MIL has some mental issues. I really don't think a stable person would act the way that she does. But I am at a loss for how to handle this situation. Trying to talk and reason with her is impossible, because she refuses to see anything from anyone else's perspective- she literally is not happy unless things are going HER way. Husband wants to call her and tell her he's upset about how she went off on my mom and stormed out of the house, but hasn't yet because we talked about it and know that if he calls it's just going to end up being another screaming match so I think he's going to try letting her cool off for a couple days longer before he tries that.
I think the easiest solution for all of this would be to cut MIL out; the only thing that's difficult about that, is we still want to be able to talk to and spend time with the rest of the family (FIL, husband also has another brother and sister). And honestly we do still want to see brother with child and niece, we just don't appreciate the way he drops his child off and acts like we owe it to him to watch her.
What would you do?
Thanks in advance.
Re: MIL issue about watching brother in law's child?
The issue with BIL is different,is he sloughing his DD off all the time or just for him to work and then a few hours after? If you don't want to do it just say no.
Thank you for your advice and reply!
Yes, BIL is always try to pawn of niece. The main issue for us has been the fact that saying no leads to MIL getting all high and mighty about what she personally thinks we she do. In her world, she thinks we should watch niece whenever BIL asks. And when we don't do exactly what she wants she becomes very angry.
Your MIL is in the wrong. She needs to butt out and the rest of the family is not a roster of babysitters and caretakers for the kiddo.
He sounds overwhelmed and overloaded. Doesn't he have a primary babysitter or caretaker for the kiddo, one he can count on? It also sounds like he can use some parenting lessons and parenting skills --- being a one parent "family" is NOT an easy thing to do.
I don't know what to do about your MIL --- she can't pop off and scream at people. That has to stop. Somebody somewhere in time is going to have to tell her to cool it --- has she got a husband? He would be the primary choice to do this.
Thank you so much for your response TarponMonoxide.
In response to your comments:
No, BIL does not have a primary babysitter/caregiver for the little girl. And the reason for this is because he hasn't tried to find one. He really thinks (mostly because I believe MIL has pounded it into his head) that it's the responsibility of his siblings (none of us have kids yet either) to watch the kid whenever he needs it. He has never once attempted to find a nanny or anything like that to help out in the regard.
And totally agree, MIL's behavior needs to end. My husband and my sister in law have both tried to address the issue, but it's greeted with nothing more than more screaming, yelling, etc. She does have a husband, but honestly he has absolutely no backbone. He will not stand up to her at all. I think he's scared of her! It's really a strange relationship that they have; they've been married so long and their relationship basically consists of him kissing her bum and her bossing him around and yelling at him if she doesn't get her way. I think a lot of the issues with MIL come down to the fact that she's a control freak.
This is all kinds of crazy. If he finds a good babysitter and tunes this nasty ole harridan out...he has his battle won.
If you're in her home, you say "We won't be spoken to like this" and get up and leave. On the phone? "i'm going to hang up now".
No matter what she says, don't engage. Make her leave or leave yourselves.
IF anything will get her to stop, this is what will do it. When you stop fighting with her or entertaining her tirades in ANY way, she'll realize they don't work. It's not a given that it will make her stop but you have a better chance of this making her stop than talking to her.
Thank you, this is really good advise. I think you're right, by stopping engaging she will soon learn it's not going to get her anywhere.
In a way it's like she wants the drama and for everyone to bow down to her when she starts her tirades of terror. And I think she wants everyone to try calling and reasoning with her- she wants everyone coming to her and "begging for forgiveness" or engaging with her or whatever it is she's seeking. She has to learn that acting like this isn't going to get her what she wants.