Family Matters
xmascactus
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Who do I spend the holidays with?
Hello, folks! First time poster, needing some help with the holidays!
Here's my situations: I live with my girlfriend (soon to be fiancee, we've been together for four years!) and come from a divorced family (her parents are together). Whenever the holidays come around, there is always debate as to who my girlfriend and I should spend time with, which normally we could resolve- we have decided to rotate the holidays between families so that we don't have to drive around from house to house to spend equal time with everyone, which is what we've done previously- so this year, we spent Easter with my mother, we'll spend Thanksgiving with my father, and Christmas with my girlfriend's parents. Sounds easy, right?
Wrong, because now my mother and sister are pissed off at me- my sister AND mother are upset because I'm spending Christmas with my girlfriend's parents, and my mother is doubly upset that I'm spending Thanksgiving with my father. What complicates the matter further is that my mother is still single, and since my sister and I will be going to see my dad on Thanksgiving, she will be alone, since her own mother doesn't want to do anything that day. My dad asked us over for thanksgiving first this year, and he asks us every year and we always say no, out of loyalty to our mother (he asked us all the way back in September if we could come, so my sister and I decided to say yes). My mom doesn't want us seeing him on the Holidays since she feels it was he that ended their marriage and that she was always the one that made the holidays for us when we were little (those are her words, I don't understand what she means by that); I don't like the idea of her being alone but I also don't want to disappoint my dad again.
My girlfriend wants to celebrate Christmas with her family this year on account of it being her niece's first Christmas, which I think is important and something we should be there for. Also, her older sister has leukemia, so she would prefer to spend her holidays with her family. My mom and sister are both upset about me not spending Christmas with them, because they feel like I spend too much time with my girlfriend's family and not enough time with my own, and also because I was late to my mother's house for Christmas last year, which offended them.
The clear solution for me is that I should host the holidays at my house, that way everyone is happy. However, my dad doesn't want to be around my mom, my mom doesn't want to be around my dad and his new wife, and my sister doesn't want to be around my girlfriend's family. We tried doing a party last year for Christmas eve, but my family kept complaining about having to be around each other all the way up until the event, and I still hear my sister complaining about it to this day, so I don't think its a viable option. I could also spend the holidays separate from my girlfriend, but I really don't want to do that. What should I do this year- spend the holidays separate from my girlfriend and appease my family, or continue to disappoint them and spend them as planned?
I appreciate any insight, does anyone have experience with this? I have three families I have to cater too, what do yo do in these situations?
Here's my situations: I live with my girlfriend (soon to be fiancee, we've been together for four years!) and come from a divorced family (her parents are together). Whenever the holidays come around, there is always debate as to who my girlfriend and I should spend time with, which normally we could resolve- we have decided to rotate the holidays between families so that we don't have to drive around from house to house to spend equal time with everyone, which is what we've done previously- so this year, we spent Easter with my mother, we'll spend Thanksgiving with my father, and Christmas with my girlfriend's parents. Sounds easy, right?
Wrong, because now my mother and sister are pissed off at me- my sister AND mother are upset because I'm spending Christmas with my girlfriend's parents, and my mother is doubly upset that I'm spending Thanksgiving with my father. What complicates the matter further is that my mother is still single, and since my sister and I will be going to see my dad on Thanksgiving, she will be alone, since her own mother doesn't want to do anything that day. My dad asked us over for thanksgiving first this year, and he asks us every year and we always say no, out of loyalty to our mother (he asked us all the way back in September if we could come, so my sister and I decided to say yes). My mom doesn't want us seeing him on the Holidays since she feels it was he that ended their marriage and that she was always the one that made the holidays for us when we were little (those are her words, I don't understand what she means by that); I don't like the idea of her being alone but I also don't want to disappoint my dad again.
My girlfriend wants to celebrate Christmas with her family this year on account of it being her niece's first Christmas, which I think is important and something we should be there for. Also, her older sister has leukemia, so she would prefer to spend her holidays with her family. My mom and sister are both upset about me not spending Christmas with them, because they feel like I spend too much time with my girlfriend's family and not enough time with my own, and also because I was late to my mother's house for Christmas last year, which offended them.
The clear solution for me is that I should host the holidays at my house, that way everyone is happy. However, my dad doesn't want to be around my mom, my mom doesn't want to be around my dad and his new wife, and my sister doesn't want to be around my girlfriend's family. We tried doing a party last year for Christmas eve, but my family kept complaining about having to be around each other all the way up until the event, and I still hear my sister complaining about it to this day, so I don't think its a viable option. I could also spend the holidays separate from my girlfriend, but I really don't want to do that. What should I do this year- spend the holidays separate from my girlfriend and appease my family, or continue to disappoint them and spend them as planned?
I appreciate any insight, does anyone have experience with this? I have three families I have to cater too, what do yo do in these situations?
Re: Who do I spend the holidays with?
My opinion? You need to own your decision and you have to learn to be o.k. w/ people getting upset. It sounds like doing it "their way" is the only way they'll be happy. That's not fair to you.
And it's incredibly unfair of your mom to put you in the middle. Does it suck that she'll be alone on Thanksgiving? Sure. But that isn't a reason to NEVER spend time w/ other people. And I would bet you that she won't really be alone. I know that MANY people, once they hear that someone doesn't have anywhere to go, will invite "orphans" to spend the holiday with them. My DH and I always keep an ear open in case anyone we know won't have anything to do.
You and your girlfriend have been together 4 years now. You're creating your own life, your own traditions. You can't stay beholden to your mom for the rest of your life. You really can't.
It seems you let your mom and sister get to you. If you want to be a good husband, then you will have to come to terms with the fact that your mom and sister will be upset and that is ok. Better them than your girlfriend.
I agree with the previous posters. My sister in law makes dinner for her children and their spouses on the day before Thanksgiving so that they can all go and celebrate the holiday with their spouse's families and don't have to worry about not spending it with her. She also does the same for Christmas, she make the dinner on Christmas Eve and whomever can make it goes and there are no problems.
My son is now living with his girlfriend and this will be the first Thanksgiving he will spend away from home and I don't mind at all because I raised him to be his own person and he has the right to decide where he wants to spend his time so you stick to your decision and don't let anyone manipulate you into backing down.
You and she host Christmas and invite everybody you think would like to be there --- tell the parents you and she will be hosting this year.
After that, host every year.
Here is why:
You and she are a new family unit. You are a unit unto yourselves and that can't be broken. Therefore, you can host a holiday and invite who you like...and if you and she cannot make it to the parents' homes, well...the parents will have to understand that this how it will be now: you and she are a new family unit.
You'll need to know how many people you will expect and how many to cook for.
Of course, they are only 7, 4 and 10 months so who knows how it will actually work out for us.