Family Matters
brendasduke
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Mom moving in, need advice
My mom is having trouble with her finances. Since my dad passed away, she has squandered a lot of life insurance money and sold her house and now she is getting into lots of debt. I recently bought a house with the intention of letting her stay with us to help her save money without actually giving her any money which I fear she would not be able to spend properly. She has a job, but it doesn't pay well. In any case, she has been wanting to bring pieces of furniture over to put in various rooms of our house without me really wanting those pieces. We have very different taste and I do not like her taste. Also, her house is smoky from my sister staying with her and smoking indoors and I am about to have a baby and don't really want smoky smelling furniture around. I expected her to confine her belongings to her room, but she seems to feel entitled to put them anywhere she wants and has even bought plants to plant in the yard without consulting me about it. When I asked her not to change a blind that was custom to her bedroom to a cheaper vinyl blind she bought at Target (that matched her bohemian style) in her bedroom, she became enraged that I was trying to control what she did in her bedroom and said she felt like one of my children. She told me to lose her phone number. This was very upsetting to me as she is close to my children. I don't want to have a lot of drama in the house, but I feel as if my mom is too late in life to learn how to take care of herself financially (my dad has always helped her). She is 3 years away from being able to collect Social Security. How do I tell her I don't want her to decorate outside her room without being too controlling and making her feel like she is not welcome? I want to avoid drama.
Re: Mom moving in, need advice
In addition, are you married ? If so then that is quite disrespectful to your husband as this is his home too.
This is YOUR home and she is to follow your rules. If you moved into her home, it would be the same: her rules and you follow them.
I do not think any of this will work. It's going to be too many crossed horns. Your mother is going to have to find a way to be on her own, even if it means living in a studio apartment or getting a 2 bedroom apartment and having a roommate to share expenses.
Above all, do not give her money. Something is wrong with this whole picture...and speaking as one who has a sibling who was in a pack of money problems, none of this looks good for her.
Wishing you luck. I would simply say, "mom, sorry: we can't lock horns on these problems that crop up. For lack of a better way of putting it: this is my home and there are rules here; it would be the same if I moved into your home. You can either live wqith the rules or get your own place; the choice is yours" and let her take it from there.
As Disney pointed out: are you married? How come your H approved of this? THis is something you and he should have talked over --- and if you did this minus his input, this is not good.
Would you like it if he zoomed out and bought a home and had his mother or father or whoever move in....
Just to help the person out?
I don't think you would.
You can also be stuck with her permanently.
Take back your home ---- if she doesn't like the rules, the door is open.
Uhmmmmm, how can you not see that she is manipulating you. She told you to lose her number over a stinky old chair and blinds. What you are doing for her is incredibly kind and generous, almost bordering on enabling. She should be down on her knees thanking you for rescuing her from homelessness, not treating you like you are less than human. She is not allowed to treat you like this. Anyone who disagrees are probably the same people who created this monster.
So tell us how this was okay for your H to merrily allow *you* to run out and buy a home with the sole purpose of having your mother move in with you...
And not to mention a mother whose spending habits are alarming and questionable...and whose reason behind the spending is unknown to you. And also unknown to your husband, the doormat.
(my gosh, the 2 of you need to learn how to make decisions together! You go "My mom is moving in with us" he goes "okay" and you go "okay I will also be buying a house, just to accommodate her"???
Wow...she needs but one room! Wot "new house" for your mother to be accommodated in????
This is already whackadoo. You never should have said yes to this arrangement --- help your mother find an apartment she can afford (either by herself or with the help of a roommate or 2; lots of adults have roommates, believe it or not)....but never permitted her to move in with you. She isn't even abiding by your rules! by rights she is a guest in your home.
But past that - you're going to have to be firm and you're going ot have to let her get mad. She ISN'T entitled to do whatever she wants in your home. And the people telling you to just lether?? WTH? This is YOUR and your DHs home. NOT hers. And really- I wouldn't have a problem reminding her of this. And may even tell her "These are the rules. If you don't like them/ don't want to abide by them, then you can find somewhere else to live. This is my home.".
As said, she acts the way she does because she thinks she'll get her way. You're going to probably have to treat her like a child to a certain degree.