Family Matters
CoffeeReads15
newb
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Need Help
Hi, I am new this site and am looking for some advice about my boyfriend's mother, who has pretty much been trying to come between my boyfriend and I since day one.
First of all, my boyfriend doesn't healthy relationship with his mother. She has been abusive his whole life and even went as far as abandoning my boyfriend and his younger brother when he was 15. My boyfriend has explained to me that it's because she is mentally ill and he has always been the family scapegoat. Now, that he's older, he wants to have a healthy relationship with her and the rest of the family, but she isn't reciprocating. For example, he and I have been homeless since August of 2015 and we had to go stay with his mother for a week. Since we couldn't return to the homeless shelters at the time, we asked her for we could rent out her spare room and live there for a month until we were able to go back to the shelters or find an apartment or whatever. She said no because her boyfriend would not allow it. The next morning, she left a gift for us and a note telling us where to find it because she was shipping us off to his aunt's house. I thought she must have really bad. But once we were at his aunt's house, I started getting text messages from her, accusing him of stealing. Umm, hello -- I was there? He didn't steal anything and I know it, and so does pretty much everyone but her. I figured out that she was trying to break my trust in my boyfriend, but it didn't exactly work. They didn't talk to each for 3 weeks after that.
That's just one example of how messed up things are between them and since I'm dating him, I'm caught in the middle.
Fast forward to today, and my boyfriend has been invited to go on a weekend hunting trip with his younger brother and to spend the weekend up at his mom's house. The one catch: I'm not allowed anywhere near the house. All of my things are stored at her house from before we became homeless and, you know, when I found out this trip, I was kind of hoping to get some of them back. The other thing is my boyfriend is staying in a homeless shelter and I'm staying with a relative until we are able to find a place to live -- we've actually found several places, but we either couldn't afford the security deposit or got screwed over by the landlord. My relative is playing babysitter to a terrifying pitbull and two screaming toddlers that refuse to listen to me. I suffer from anxiety and epilepsy. I've so stressed out by being homeless, trying to find a job and a place to live, etc., etc. that I've been having seizures multiple times a week and I was really looking forward to spending quality time with my boyfriend for the first time in 3 weeks. But since mil has barred me from the household, I don't know what to do and I feel completely abandoned by my boyfriend.
He insists that he's only going to see his brother, which I believe, but it doesn't help the fact that I feel like my feelings have been put on the back-burner. I know what it's like to be put in a relationship where I've been put second and I don't want to go through it again. How do I explain this to him without making him feel like I'm trying to force him to choose between me or his family?
Fast forward to today, and my boyfriend has been invited to go on a weekend hunting trip with his younger brother and to spend the weekend up at his mom's house. The one catch: I'm not allowed anywhere near the house. All of my things are stored at her house from before we became homeless and, you know, when I found out this trip, I was kind of hoping to get some of them back. The other thing is my boyfriend is staying in a homeless shelter and I'm staying with a relative until we are able to find a place to live -- we've actually found several places, but we either couldn't afford the security deposit or got screwed over by the landlord. My relative is playing babysitter to a terrifying pitbull and two screaming toddlers that refuse to listen to me. I suffer from anxiety and epilepsy. I've so stressed out by being homeless, trying to find a job and a place to live, etc., etc. that I've been having seizures multiple times a week and I was really looking forward to spending quality time with my boyfriend for the first time in 3 weeks. But since mil has barred me from the household, I don't know what to do and I feel completely abandoned by my boyfriend.
He insists that he's only going to see his brother, which I believe, but it doesn't help the fact that I feel like my feelings have been put on the back-burner. I know what it's like to be put in a relationship where I've been put second and I don't want to go through it again. How do I explain this to him without making him feel like I'm trying to force him to choose between me or his family?
Re: Need Help
As for his mother, we went to go stay with her because the homeless shelters would not shelter us for another 30 days and my mother refused to let us stay with her because she doesn't approve of my religion or sexuality. We really didn't have a choice in the matter. When we offered to rent out her room, we were hoping to be able pay with back cash assistance that was owed to my boyfriend by the government, but it turns out his case was illegally abridged and they took the case to trial without notifying him. Now, that he has a job he is no longer entitled to cash assistance.
I am not making any of this up. My boyfriend and I just happen to come from very messed up families. I'm with him because I love him and because we are all each other has. We met after I became homeless because my mother threw me out because of my religion. That was after my ex threw me out for being mentally ill and disabled. My boyfriend has supported me through all of that and including the trauma of being a recovering rape victim. We also relate to each other because of our families and because he suffers from the anxiety disorder that I do. We help each other, and support each other.
He is a poor choice for a boyfriend.
Please get rid of him today. He cannot provide for you and there is no future with him. YOu also don't want a guy who cannot have your back or a guy who comes from a family with nothing but a war zone in it.
I'm so sorry you are going through a hard time. I'm not even going to pretend I know very much about mental illness or epilepsy, but are there any places you can go to see a therapist and/or a medical doctor for free? If not, are you on Medicaid or can you get on Medicaid?
I feel like, maybe if you can find ways to cope with your anxiety and handle it, you can better find even a part-time job. And if you were earning some of your own money, that would give you a bit of confidence and freedom, would further help your anxiety. Sort of like a "win" circle, instead of a vicious circle.
If your previous landlord owes you money, like didn't return the security deposit when you were forced to leave because of violations, you can take him/her to small claims court. There will be fees, but they are usually waived for people in need. And don't let the thought of going to court scare or intimidate you. Civil courts are very boring and mundane places. Judges are just everyday people who get to wear a black robe to work.
I hope your b/f's job goes well and that things turn around for you all.
If you haven't already, check with your local social services for things that you may qualify for in addition to food stamps. Maybe you can qualify for housing assistance and most important for you assistance for any medical things you need. Check into food kitchens and places that maybe you can volunteer at that would be low stress to just help you get out of the house and give yourself something to do. Take this time your BF will be at his mom's to catch up with some friends or to go to the library, find a good book & a comfy chair to have some quiet you time. Keeping yourself busy (even if it's just reading) may help you to relax with hopefully help you with your seizures.
I think it's important for you to get your own finances in order while your BF gets his in order. This way in case something happens in the future and you go separate ways, you have things in place so you don't end up in this type of situation again in the future. You are going through a rough patch but don't give up & try to relax and breath. With hard work, things will get better.