Family Matters
chickenkitty42
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
IL Drama Over Missing Pet
Hi. Sorry in advance if this gets lengthy. I really need some advice on how to handle my out-of-control ILs, because they are making my life a living hell right now over my DH's missing dog and blaming me for it and I'm just about at the end of my rope over it. Here's the whole story.
Four years ago; and while DH and I were just beginning to date; his brother got married and ended up having to get rid of the female Lab he had because the dog was very jealous and didn't like women, and was being aggressive to his new bride and also destroying her personal possessions by peeing on them and chewing them to shreds. The dog had been raised inside since he got her as a gift from his mother as an 8 week-old puppy plus the BIL lives in a condo so putting her outside wasn't even a viable option. So being male and living alone at the time DH took the dog in.
Fast forward two years later to when I moved in with DH. The dog had accepted me just fine during the time I just visited and wasn't living in "her" space, but as soon as I moved in trouble started. The damn dog would growl at me anytime DH would show me affection, she would climb up on the couch and literally shove herself in between DH and I and try to push me off into the floor, she would walk up and randomly sneeze snot and slobber all over me nearly every single day, and would always raise hell barking, howling, and throwing herself against the closed bedroom door anytime we were having sex! Then we got married and she went from bad to worse.
Almost as soon as we got married (and how the damn dog knew this is beyond me as I was already living there, lol) she ramped up her aggressiveness toward me as she had done to BIL's wife a few years ago, and began snapping at me with her teeth when we were alone, chewing up my things, and even dragged my pillow off the bed into the kitchen, dropped it RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME and peed on it before I could stop her! The last straw was when she tried to bite my cat. This earned her a permanent home in the back yard with a nice big open kennel and a shock collar to keep her inside the allowed boundaries. And wouldn't you know it, after 6 months of being out there fine and dandy the damn dog got out of her shock collar and ran away two weeks ago, and my ILS are up in arms at me because of it, saying it's my fault the dog was "put out" to begin with!
I was laid up in bed with a 103° fever the day it happened and was sick for over a week as I had the flu, but still managed to make flyers, Facebook posts, and email blasts about the missing dog, but my MIL, SIL (DH's younger sister), and the BIL who was the original owner have all been bashing me over the dog's disappearance, saying that I'm the reason a "beloved family member" is gone, accusing me of "forcing her out of the house" because I was really the one who was jealous, and my SIL has even insinuated to others that I purposely turned the dog loose and had her taken away and that this is the reason she hasn't been found anywhere. This is madness!
Every day I get calls and snarky texts or Facebook messages from MIL and SIL asking about the dog and blaming me, and I'm sick of it. The accusations from his family has even caused my DH to end up questioning me on whether or not I really turned the dog loose or secretly gave her away...seriously!
I'll admit I'm not the biggest fan of the dog, but she was 100% okay being outside where she couldn't do any harm or destruction, and I'm sick of having to defend myself to everyone over this. Dogs get loose and run away, it happens every day! The BIL's wife whom the dog originally bullied is the only one who isn't bashing me. And this is not a family of hound dog lovin' rednecks or anything like that either, they are a normal middle-class bunch of folks (DH an insurance agent, MIL retired CPA, SIL a nurse, BIL a teacher) who are normally sane and rational. What would all of you do if you were me? Uggghh!
~X( 8-} :-@
Four years ago; and while DH and I were just beginning to date; his brother got married and ended up having to get rid of the female Lab he had because the dog was very jealous and didn't like women, and was being aggressive to his new bride and also destroying her personal possessions by peeing on them and chewing them to shreds. The dog had been raised inside since he got her as a gift from his mother as an 8 week-old puppy plus the BIL lives in a condo so putting her outside wasn't even a viable option. So being male and living alone at the time DH took the dog in.
Fast forward two years later to when I moved in with DH. The dog had accepted me just fine during the time I just visited and wasn't living in "her" space, but as soon as I moved in trouble started. The damn dog would growl at me anytime DH would show me affection, she would climb up on the couch and literally shove herself in between DH and I and try to push me off into the floor, she would walk up and randomly sneeze snot and slobber all over me nearly every single day, and would always raise hell barking, howling, and throwing herself against the closed bedroom door anytime we were having sex! Then we got married and she went from bad to worse.
Almost as soon as we got married (and how the damn dog knew this is beyond me as I was already living there, lol) she ramped up her aggressiveness toward me as she had done to BIL's wife a few years ago, and began snapping at me with her teeth when we were alone, chewing up my things, and even dragged my pillow off the bed into the kitchen, dropped it RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME and peed on it before I could stop her! The last straw was when she tried to bite my cat. This earned her a permanent home in the back yard with a nice big open kennel and a shock collar to keep her inside the allowed boundaries. And wouldn't you know it, after 6 months of being out there fine and dandy the damn dog got out of her shock collar and ran away two weeks ago, and my ILS are up in arms at me because of it, saying it's my fault the dog was "put out" to begin with!
I was laid up in bed with a 103° fever the day it happened and was sick for over a week as I had the flu, but still managed to make flyers, Facebook posts, and email blasts about the missing dog, but my MIL, SIL (DH's younger sister), and the BIL who was the original owner have all been bashing me over the dog's disappearance, saying that I'm the reason a "beloved family member" is gone, accusing me of "forcing her out of the house" because I was really the one who was jealous, and my SIL has even insinuated to others that I purposely turned the dog loose and had her taken away and that this is the reason she hasn't been found anywhere. This is madness!
Every day I get calls and snarky texts or Facebook messages from MIL and SIL asking about the dog and blaming me, and I'm sick of it. The accusations from his family has even caused my DH to end up questioning me on whether or not I really turned the dog loose or secretly gave her away...seriously!
I'll admit I'm not the biggest fan of the dog, but she was 100% okay being outside where she couldn't do any harm or destruction, and I'm sick of having to defend myself to everyone over this. Dogs get loose and run away, it happens every day! The BIL's wife whom the dog originally bullied is the only one who isn't bashing me. And this is not a family of hound dog lovin' rednecks or anything like that either, they are a normal middle-class bunch of folks (DH an insurance agent, MIL retired CPA, SIL a nurse, BIL a teacher) who are normally sane and rational. What would all of you do if you were me? Uggghh!
~X( 8-} :-@
Re: IL Drama Over Missing Pet
Your husband should be on your side 100% and tell his family to knock it off. Don't engage with the family members at all, and maybe even take a break from social media so you don't have to deal with them. Then your DH needs to call his parents and tell them that they are being completely inappropriate and that they are being hurtful and disrespectful and need to get over themselves.
I'd even go so far as him needing to say, "until you stop your ridiculous accusations and hurtful messages, chickenkitty & I will not be participating in any family functions."
But bottom line, your husband needs to get on your side. And honestly, he probably should have been on your side more in the first place with disciplining the dog and with HIM making the correct decision to keep the dog outside full-time. If he won't get on your side, then you've got bigger issues and should probably see a counselor.
I really do think it's rich that the same BIL who was so quick to just give the dog away for bullying his wife is now harassing and blaming me for the dog going missing after being put out by DH for the same behavior toward me. And the MIL is being dramatic over it because she's the one who gave the dog to BIL as puppy to begin with.
Peeing on this or that is one thing --- suppose there was an incident where the dog bit a visitor or somebody passing by on the street?
Dogs pee on items to more or less claim ownership. They are marking territory.
There is also medication for dogs if they warrant it; there are antidepressants ....and I as an amimal owner hate to say it but I will: as a last resort, your IL should have looked into rehoming the dog.
The dog could have also had a myriad of problems due to inbreeding...had the dog since 6 weeks of age? Way too early for a pup to be away from its mother so I suspect a puppy mill was the dog's origin: inbreeding leads to health and behavioral problems in dogs. Which is why it's a must to adopt and NOT buy from a pet store or some backyard breeder or puppy mill.
But what is happening here with your ILs is full on harassment.
Your H needs to take your side --- dogs do escape from their surroundings and take off; it happens -- and he needs to tell his family to shut up and cut it out, posthaste...
What you have is an H problem and yeah, an IL problem --- but the H problem supercedes it: he is supposed to be as one with you and you and he are a team, no matter what.
I would, if I were you, tell this guy no holds barred that he is to stand up for you right now --- and if he doesn't rethink this jerk.
You do not need marriage to a jellyfish and harassment is against the law. You are getting it from all sides here.
Stand up for your rights on this one and if he won't take your side and if this bunch won't pipe down, consider filing a harassment charge against all of them. Screen shot everything; keep it as evidence. I get the feeling that if you chucked your H out the door right now, this bunch would continue with the nasty comments and other harassment.
Stand up for your rights and do what you have to do. GL.
Some people shouldn't own animals. This should have been taken care of and attended to.
MIL got the dog from kill shelter where she was about to be put down at 8 weeks of age. BIL and his wife spent literally THOUSANDS of dollars having the dog tested, analyzed, and anything else that could be thought of at both the vet and a behaviorist when she was acting out against his new wife, and the dog was deemed 100% healthy physically and was diagnosed by the behaviorist with "aggression issues" toward BIL's wife due to seeing him as her "mate" and seeing the wife as pretty much taking "her man" away from her! In other words the dog was like a jealous, bitchy, jilted woman who was getting even.
And when the behavior therapy didn't work after several MONTHS, the behaviorist finally suggested that the WIFE "temporarily" MOVE OUT to see if that eliminated the problems, and if so the couple should consider LIVING SEPARATELY for the duration of the dog's life in order to "not stress the dog out any further"! This is when BIL decided the dog had to go and DH took her as he was living alone at the time. The behaviorist actually thought it better for BIL's new wife to be kicked to the curb than for the dog to be upset! That is bullshit!
And when the dog started the same nonsense with us we knew it would eventually come down to either putting the dog outside in controlled boundaries; with more than adequate shelter by the way; or rehoming her. In our area rehoming animals is extremely difficult and both shelters stay full because of this, so we chose an electronic fence and an extra large kennel with down bedding placed inside a nice canvas tent for shelter. Was this not better than dropping her at a high-kill shelter and being done with the situation? How is any of what was done here "failing" the dog? And I; with the flu; made flyers and went around hanging them and drove the area daily searching for the dog.
Anyway, my DH apologized the next day for being an ass to me, and him and the BIL's wife both told the rest of the family to STFU and get off my back about the dog. He called BIL out for being a hypocrite where the dog was concerned since he had given her to DH to begin with, told MIL and SIL it was none of their business period as the dog had nothing to do with them other than the fact that MIL had been the one to gift her to BIL after she saved her from being euthanized. I haven't received any apologies, but they have finally stopped harassing me.
The dog is still missing, but we have just learned there has been several dog disappearances in our area around the same time frame, and that it is all larger breeds missing. So they were probably taken for bait dogs and have likely met a bad end
I don't know the reputation of the dog behaviorist to whom my BIL paid thousands of dollars, but the lady did indeed suggest the wife move out in order to keep the dog from being upset...I am not a fucking liar as you so obviously are suggesting. Dogs are ANIMALS, and while we are to care for our animals to the best of our abilities we are not supposed to place them above HUMAN family members. It was 100% bullshit advice to suggest such a solution to someone!
Anyone who really thinks the dog should've remained inside no matter what is probably the same type of nut job as the behaviorist BIL used, and to be honest I wouldn't be surprised if people like her (and you) think it should be okay to actually marry your dog and toss out your spouse if he/she doesn't like being relegated to 2nd place in your life.
Again, it's a fucking DOG who should never take priority over a SPOUSE! My DH took the dog to keep her from going to a KILL SHELTER and we put her outside at our home to avoid the same fate. I don't care if you approve of our decision or not because you are an Internet stranger and do not pay our bills or have anything at all to do with our household, but any sane and rational person would agree that getting nice outdoor accommodations beats going to a kill shelter and being euthanized any day!
And this is the end of my argument with you because; as I already stated; you are an Internet stranger whose opinion I give zero fucks about. The original post was about my IL issue, not a request for dog care advice.
First, unfriend all your DHs family on FB. Just do it. You know where you stand with them. No reason to be FB friends with them.
And second, seriously, this is more a DH problem than it is an IL problem. If he were backing you up and telling his family to cut it out - this wouldn't be 1/2 the problem that it is.
Never own another pet, in case your DH realizes dogs are less trouble than human females