Family Matters
jstephens29
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
In a tough situation!! Advice needed!
Hello!! My husband and I are newlyweds we got married June 2015. Since before we got married, his younger brother who is 22 has been living with us in our one bedroom apartment, I was hoping that after we got married that he would leave. He does not pay ANY bills! He does not contribute in any way shape or form, and my husband does not make him. I have had to hide all of the washcloths because he gets a new one everyday and will pile them up in the bathroom. He has a pile of junk in our living room corner which is now his bedroom and its very embarrassing. I have talked to my husband on so many occasions about what to do and he is doing nothing! I'm so frustrated! My husband works two full time jobs so im stuck at home with his brother the majority of the time. What makes matters even worse his girlfriend spends the night on our nice leather couch atleast 3 times a week!!!! My husband does absolutely nothing!! The only time that I have to myself is when his brother goes to work! I need him out of here ASAP! Im taking any advice on what I should do about this situation. I need my husband on my side. His brother will be 23 in March he has a car and he works. Wr cant even enjoy our newlywed life because he is always here :-( ...... Please help!
Re: In a tough situation!! Advice needed!
Talk to husband and tell him that while you love your BIL that you would really like it that since you have such limited time together, if when you do have it, if it could be just the two of you. That you want to enjoy being newleyweds. Try to propose a time frame by when BIL has to be out.
DH had roommates when we got engaged. I moved in with all of them (rental house) to save up money for wedding. DH & I ended up buying house & moving out of rental & roommates couldn't afford to keep house by themselves. Because of how fast things happened we offered to let them move with us. One moved out on his own, the other followed. And I can totally relate to what you are going through. Initially I thought it was helping out financially. Turns out in the end, the we're in the same spot we were financially. We may have lost his rent money, but the utility usage has dropped dramatically and our food budget has dropped by $200 and the privacy, well that's priceless. We did give him 3 month notice to find a new place to live. Since all he had was his bedroom set and would need to save up for rent & basic household goods. We told him that while we enjoyed his friendship, we needed time to ourselves. I'll be honest, the 3 months, didn't go well and things go ugly towards the end, but not so ugly that our friendship is over. Just very tense.
But hopefully if you can get DH to understand the need to make the limited time you have together some good quality time and that you want to give BIL a set time to move out, not just two weeks, he'll go along with you. BIL isn't going to move out until you kick him out. Why should he, he's got it made at your place. But trust me, once he's gone, you and DH will learn to appreciate the privacy and how much stuff you can do without him being around. And I'm not even talking about sex, the joy of being able to walk around your home and not worry about bothering someone else is priceless.
Good luck!!!
Normally, I'm very much a "compromise and discuss" with your SO kind of person, but I think that time is over. I wouldn't ask my H, I would tell him (though nicely), "It's so great we've given BIL so much help, but this is no longer an acceptable situation and he needs to go. I think 60 days will give him plenty of time to find a new place. Don't you?" "Great, we'll tell him at dinner he needs to be out by (current date + 60 days)." Who knows? Maybe him and couch g/f will want to move in together.
And STICK TO IT!!! Quite frankly, he could find a place in one week at most, if he needed to. People do it all the time.
Its your house and your finances just as much as it is your H's. And it is CRAZY a grown man WITH A JOB EVEN is living there and contributing nothing.
Thanks everyone....BIL came over to spend the night and never left it seems. His mother also lost her place and is staying with a friend they always look for my husband to help them out. Its completely ridiculous and im fed up! Im thinking about just getting some apartment magazines and leave it by BIL things and start off that way maybe he will catch a hint!
Look - here's a harsh reality - marriage doesn't magically fix issues. If your DH is a "fixer" in that he wants to always help his mom and brother, well, his marrying you isn't going to change that. But I suspect you thought it would.
But it doesn't. You need to put your big girl pants on and sit down and talk to your DH and hash all this out.
Do as I told you to do.
And if your "H" will not do as I said he should do -- boot the brother ASAP and get marriage counseling with you to learn communication and to learn how to be a team with you...and to put you first -- you will have to decide where you and you alone will go from there.
Your H was never ready for marriage --- he did not get it that you and he are "the family" -- and neither are you. If you and he are not ready to be a team and stand together as one and not permit anything to come between the 2 of you, you're not ready for marriage.
How did you wind up with this turkey, anyway??? Jus curious.
Thanks everyone....BIL came over to spend the night and never left it seems. His mother also lost her place and is staying with a friend they always look for my husband to help them out. Its completely ridiculous and im fed up! Im thinking about just getting some apartment magazines and leave it by BIL things and start off that way maybe he will catch a hint!
Uh....nope. Not going to happen. What you see is what you get: a slob, a mooch and a horny little high schooler. Really, you permit him to bring his female company into your home? Are you running a newlywed's household or the Playboy Mansion???
His mother lost her place to live? Is she employed? If not next thing you know you will find out he is giving his mother money: positively wrong. Out of the question and bad news. he's got no business giving her any amount of money....I am not saying he is, but it is a very good possibility that he is "helping her out" with a cash handout and is doing so regularly.
The only one here who needs to catch a hint is you. This is unhealthy and it's not a marriage - this is an enablement and codependency. You've been in this spot since you found out that your then-bf wasn't able to make decisions on his own and he lets his family have him by the balls.
He's not "helping" them. He needs to stand down and let Bro and his mother fix their own messes.
And what a mess all of this is. I don't see a healthy marital future for you because it is not healthy now.
When you found out that his brother got the upper and and your then-BF let his brother treat him like a doormat, that's when you should have seen he was not beneficial for your future and found another boyfriend.
You knew exactly what you were getting yourself into.
You were not supposed to get married to be a maid for a deadbeat BIL, a maid for his horny ladyfriend, nor are you married to be a fifth wheel, a doormat and to watch yourself come in last instead of first and foremost.
What you see is what you get as far as your spouse goes. If he was not able to put you first and be a team with you from the start, he never will be.
I'd go as far as saying "Your brother and his horny girlfriend go and right now....or I do" and let him make his choice. That's right: them or you. And it should be you.
"But," you say "Tarpy, isn't this extreme? You are recommending divorce?" I sure am when it is clear he was never the guy for you in the first place. This is a losing battle.
I'd go as far as to change the lock so that neither Deadbeat BIL or your "H" can gain access.
Will talk to him.