Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Help! I am losing my best friend...
So, I will give you a little back story. I met this guy in 2002. We started dating and life was good. He had 4 sisters (ages 6, 8, 9, 13) and a brother (age 12), and I loved all of them. I butted heads with his parents a lot, but I took them as my family. We got married in 2004, against his mothers wishes. We had two kids within the next 5 years. That was when we started having problems. He wasn't working and we argued all of the time. So, we separated in 2013.
Okay, now his 6 year old little sister, spent more time with me from the moment I started dating him than she did her own friends. It was the best of both worlds for me, I was like another parent, but I was also like a sister. Even when I left her brother, she was on my side, defending me to her family and such. I have tried really hard not to put her or my kids in the middle of any divorce battles, and I have succeeded. Well, from my side I have. I don't think anyone else has tried to put them in the middle either.
She is almost 21 now! I have seen this girl go through EVERYTHING. She is my best friend and I wouldn't have it any other way. The problem is she is getting married. I found out from her fiance when he was going to propose and was invited to the surprise proposal. It was amazing! She told me that I could plan the whole thing because she didn't know where to start. So, I started buying little things here and there, then she started making plans. She had told me that she wanted me to make the cupcakes (because she didn't want a cake). Then a week later she said that she only wanted me to help if I really wanted to. I kinda felt like she was going to tell me she didn't want me to make them, so I prepared myself for that blow.
A year after the proposal, she has gotten her dress, picked the venue, picked the colors, made all the big decisions, and is even going to pick her wedding cake soon, all without me! She didn't even mention that these things were taking place. I found out on Facebook. I still haven't seen her wedding dress. Not only is she not including me in her big day, she has told me that I don't need to be there until the wedding starts. So, I won't get to help her get ready or help decorate or anything.
I don't really talk to any of my ex inlaws (other than her). If I see them, we are cordial to one another. They come to my kids birthday parties, and I make sure that the other little kids in the family get to see my kids, without hesitation.
I know this is her big day and she has told me that she just wants everyone to be there to enjoy themselves, but she knows I am the kind of person that enjoys helping. I just feel like I am losing her. How do I deal with this? We always joked that she was my practice for dealing with things before my kids grew up, but if my kids are going to do this when they get married, I don't want them to grow up anymore! Please help me! I am just feeling like I am losing my best friend or one of my kids and I can't stand it!
Re: Help! I am losing my best friend...
I think you need to divorce this kid you married and keep your distance from the sisters and brothers.
You are mistaking a "best friend" ship for being a more or less surrogate parent to her. How in heck does a 6 year old defend what is a 19 year old, to her mother and father???
Maybe you need to just make a clean break of it and stop all contact with them. This whole thing is just crazy.
I agree with @Erikan73. I understand why you're hurt, but you need to at least let this wedding stuff go. For whatever reason, she has not included you in the planning. Maybe that's easier for her because of her brother/family. Or maybe her and her FI ended up preferring just doing the planning stuff themselves and haven't involved anyone else.
Honesty, that's my style. Especially for important items like a wedding cake, DJ, photographer, flowers, etc. I'd rather have a "hands off" relationship with a professional I am paying, than rely on a friend/family member to provide me those services as a gift. Mainly because, if things went wrong, I don't want to be p***ed off at a loved one who was doing something nice.
Another thing that might be going on here is she is pretty young. She is only a few years outside of being a teenager in high school. She is about to get married. She is metamorphosing from being a child to an adult. As such, her relationship with you might be subconsciously changing.
I'm certainly not saying she doesn't love you or doesn't still want you in her life. But her need for the kind of support and "sisterly advice" you gave her as an adolescent and teenager just isn't there anymore.
I'd suggest staying in touch in the same way you usually do. Be understanding if, at least for the time being while she is in the throws of wedding planning, she doesn't have the same time she used to keep in touch as well and/or socialize as often.
But, it's very possible because of her entering marriage/adulthood coupled with the rift between yourself and her brother, that you all might lose some of the closeness you have shared in the past. Even under the best of circumstances, relationships change over time.
I want to add, when I was planning my wedding, I didn't ask anyone by hubby's opinion on things. We paid for things ourselves. My thought was the less people I involve, the less opinions and suggestions I would have to deal with. I did things so that everyone involved could just show up that day & enjoy the day. That included the parents. She may be doing the same thing.
Also if her parents are paying for the wedding, she may be doing a lot of that stuff with them since they have the final say on what they will pay.