NMMR - little vent

vlagrl29 · March 2016

So I will be 36 in May and one of our neighbors is 6 weeks pregnant and 32 I think. I tell her DH and I will start trying soon hopefully and she asks me "isn't that high risk" - It really upset me even though I didn't let her know. I just brushed it off as the doctors don't think so - at least the ones I've interviewed. It just got me paranoid and feeling old. Pretty much ruined my Friday night and I know it shouldn't have. Fast forward to today and I'm still annoyed but more so at DH. I feel this building project of his is dictating when we will start TTC and the fact that its been going on since Jan of 2015 - its just much longer than we anticipated. He doesn't even have the desire to TTC right now and now that I've done all my homework as far as interviewing OBs, researched VBAC, deep cleaned and steam vaccd the entire house, finished taxes, going to catch up on business in the next month and plant flowers I feel I'm ready. We've been talking about it for almost a year and I'm just kind of done with the talking phase. DH feels I'm pushing him and I am feeling resentful he's not ready, but he does give me a timeline of maybe 2-3 months, but every time we've lightly talked about time frames its always been pushed back. I know I just need to suck it up and find things to keep my mind and body busy and just push it out of my mind. I kind of gave him a hard time this afternoon when he could tell I was still bothered by the talk we had about it Friday night and then he was suggesting we have sex and I told him I wasn't interested. I know I'm being a bitch but it really bothers me. I just need to remind myself my 1st pregnancy sucked so bad and if I have the same symptoms I'm going to hate being pregnant again and wish I wasn't. I was also thinking of going to a yoga workshop in June in Chicago - 3 day workshop with a more famous yoga teacher. Trying to focus on other things. Thanks for letting me vent

smerka · March 2016

As soon as you hit 35, you're considered AMA-advanced maternal age. It's just what they do. You'll likely get more screenings and checkups, but that's about it. But it is a kick to the nuts when you hear them say AMA

Xstatic3333 · March 2016

I'm so sorry for everything. That was horrifically rude of your friend! I'm truly shocked that she would say that, especially being in her 30's herself. It amazes me how people will overstep boundaries when it comes to pregnancy or potential pregnancy.

Sorry for the trouble setting a timeframe with your DH, too. I can't blame you for being frustrated that he keeps moving the finish line.

The yoga workshop sounds like a great idea! Who is the teacher? I'm still pretty new to the yoga world but curious if it is anyone I have heard of.

vlagrl29 · March 2016

It's a girl named Kino. If I'm not pregnant by then I really want to go. She teaches the full primary series of Asthanga which is 2 hours long - I've only done the complete primary once for a workshop here in town last year. She will also work on handstands and backbends. I still really suck at handstands but that's because I don't practice it that much - I would rather forearm stand any day of the week.

The neighbor is not really a friend - just a new neighbor. She told me it took them no time to get pregnant with their first but 8 months with their 2nd. I've told her all the prep work I've done and then she tells me its time for the hard part - WTF? Just cause it took her long doesn't mean it will take us long but of course it got me super paranoid it would especially since it only took us 1 month last time. And the high risk comment made me think my fertility is probably plummeting as we speak and maybe it WILL take us forever.

I expressed all my concerns to DH and he's just not quite there yet and I understand this project has been really stressful on him - many sleepless nights and acid reflux. They've been framing the building for 2 weeks now. He's told me once it has a roof, windows, and walls then we can start but I'm just tired of keeping thinking that that's really going to happen. He says at that point it will be less stressful for him and he can focus on TTC too - I've told him I'm the one carrying the kid and I guess he is worried about the financial part of it too - having another mouth to feed. See for me I feel much better financially because we have an e fund and contribute to retirement. We weren't doing that when we got pregnant with DD. PLUS our OOP max on insurance is only $1k so I'm not sure why he is stressed financially.

Of all the OBs I interviewed not one considered my age an issue, so I had no idea it was high-risk. All I know is I'm in way better shape than I've ever been, I eat well and am in good health which is more than I can say for the neighbor. I will refuse all extra tests when pregnant unless its necessary because it won't make a bit of a difference for me.

It took me 5 years to get to the point of wanting to do this again and I'm just annoyed is all. I cleared my head with cleaning today and felt bad for what I said to DH earlier so I apologized and decided I'm not going to mention TTC anymore unless he brings it up. Just time to cross some more yoga goals off my list and focus on all the other things in my life.

maple2 · March 2016

I totally understand you are feeling a wild mix of emotions, but I just wanted to reassure you that technically being of advanced maternal age does not necessarily mean you will have problems conceiving or giving birth. I'm sure you know that, but it can still feel overwhelming to be put into that category. I had my second when I was 36, and in the end it was no different than when I had my first (actually, in many ways, it was better). Like you, I didn't opt to have any of the additional tests because it wouldn't have made any difference to us.

vlagrl29 · March 2016

maple2 said:

I totally understand you are feeling a wild mix of emotions, but I just wanted to reassure you that technically being of advanced maternal age does not necessarily mean you will have problems conceiving or giving birth. I'm sure you know that, but it can still feel overwhelming to be put into that category. I had my second when I was 36, and in the end it was no different than when I had my first (actually, in many ways, it was better). Like you, I didn't opt to have any of the additional tests because it wouldn't have made any difference to us.

Thanks for that

It makes me worry too because I'm already planning on a VBAC and that itself is enough to try to achieve without the words "high risk" in the mix.

jtmh2012 · March 2016

We were 36 when we had our first. We specifically asked our doctor about AMA since she didn't bring it up. Her response to us was that she didn't see anything in my wife's file to indicate any reason to worry and that unless we wanted her to do otherwise, she was going to treat it was a normal pregnancy and that's what we did. So unless your doctor is worried about it, I wouldn't give it a second thought.

Some people just have no filter it seems.

formerlyGDaisy09 · March 2016

you seem like you're a pretty healthy/fit person. AMA is considered a risk factor for a more complicated pregnancy, but really you would probably have to have a host of other issues for age to truely impact your pregnancy. I think there is some risk for some genetic disorders for the baby, but as soon as you're 35 insurance plans cover the Harmony test so you can have advanced genetic testing done basically as soon as you find out you're pregnant, if that is something that is a concern to you. In some ways, from a MM standpoint, AMA might save you a little bit because your insurance should cover more (NSTs, extra ultrasounds, etc....so you get more check-ins with baby and it should be covered).

unless you have a stong family history of early metapause I wouldn't let your age make you feel like you need to rush things, but if you're ready I would make sure your H knows that it is something important to you and there is a small time crunch (but years, not months). I think part of our TTC timeline stems from our longer-term plans rather than short term, at least with my H when we talked family planning (when I was ready and he was on the fence) it struck him more that if we wanted several kids with a reasonable amount of space between them and didn't want to potentially still be paying for college into our 60's we'd better get on it soon.

short+sassy · March 2016

Ugh, I'm sorry your neighbor was so rude. And, of course, the irony is there isn't too much difference between getting pregnant at 32 or 36 (as far as fertility and complications). The only reason the "line" is at 35 for AMA is because they have to put a line somewhere. Fertility decreases and complications increase as women age, but it's by small degrees. Or at least it is in small degrees in our 20s/30s, perhaps even early 40s. However, it's not like there is a magic switch at 35 and I don't know why people, like your neighbor, act like there is one.

And obviously women over the age of 35 have healthy babies all the time. With the majority of those pregnancies having no major complications.

It sounds like you are a little frustrated the TTC schedule had to be pushed out a bit and this neighbor just happened to irritate that with her thoughtless comment. Vent away!

NicA617 · March 2016

I'm 40 & not a mom, but i'm chiming in... i don't think you should stress too much about it, it will (hopefully) happen exactly when it's supposed to. i have SO many friends who had babies well into their early 40s. All healthy. One friend had a surprise 5th (!) pregnancy at 43. Some got married later in life, 2 did it on their own b/c they wanted babies & were single.

Some people say thoughtless & rude things when it comes to pregnancy. i've been lectured to either A) hurry up & have a baby; or

too bad it's already too late & i waited so long. I usually just nod & give dirty looks rather then go into our personal choice to not have children.

julieanne912 · March 2016

Ugh, sorry she was so rude to you. I've noticed some people think because they had a certain experience with something, that means it's that way for everyone, which we all know isn't the case.

I get rude comments sometimes from people. I'll be 34 in May, and we aren't going to really TTC until next year (when I'm almost 35). I tell them the reason is because we're working on our finances (which is about 75% true... the other 25 is I'm just not sure I'm ready yet). I get comments like "oh you'll never be able to afford a kid, so just start now" or comments along the lines of "well you aren't getting any younger so you better get on it". It's like, really? You really feel the need to comment about me and my plans for my life and my body? So frustrating sometimes.

vlagrl29 · March 2016

short+sassy said:

Ugh, I'm sorry your neighbor was so rude. And, of course, the irony is there isn't too much difference between getting pregnant at 32 or 36 (as far as fertility and complications). The only reason the "line" is at 35 for AMA is because they have to put a line somewhere. Fertility decreases and complications increase as women age, but it's by small degrees. Or at least it is in small degrees in our 20s/30s, perhaps even early 40s. However, it's not like there is a magic switch at 35 and I don't know why people, like your neighbor, act like there is one.
And obviously women over the age of 35 have healthy babies all the time. With the majority of those pregnancies having no major complications.
It sounds like you are a little frustrated the TTC schedule had to be pushed out a bit and this neighbor just happened to irritate that with her thoughtless comment. Vent away!

Pretty much all of this lol. I was frustrated and she just brought it all out. DH knows my concern with age and how it could take longer to get pregnant and his answer is - it only took a month last time and this time I'm going to get it on the first try. Whatever. He is 40 so you think he would want to do this earlier than later as well but his building is taking the precedence of his life right now so TTC is on the back of his brain.

Anyways after a long shower last night I decided and told him I'm not going to be visualizing about a happy and healthy pregnancy and all that stuff because I've done all my homework for this and have been excited about it for some time now and I'm also done being excited about it. I told him I would be excited once he started talking to me about it. I also told him I"m going to focus on other things right now and go to that yoga workshop in June. Basically I'm done and am putting the ball in his court. I also told him I'm done with these supposed timelines that keep getting delayed by his building delays so I'm not even going to think of time frames any more. Thats my solution - not sure if its a good one or not. I"m going to rip out the page in my journal today where I had wrote my goals and visualizations for this year and redo it. Nothing about pregnancy in it.

CuriousKiddosMama · March 2016

Wow, she was just being rude for basically no reason. I wouldn't worry about being labeled AMA- if we try again I will be too. I was actually considered high risk this time because of my previous high blood pressure. This time nothing happened blood pressure wise and yet still high risk. With today's medicine you can have a perfectly healthy pregnancy for years yet. Don't let her get you down. I would also be frustrated with the ever changing timeline. You may have to have a come to Jesus meeting with your dh and let him know exactly how you feel. After all I think I agree with you- baby doesn't show up tomorrow so his studio would be done before baby came f you got pregnant next month.

vlagrl29 · March 2016

CuriousKiddosMama said:

Wow, she was just being rude for basically no reason. I wouldn't worry about being labeled AMA- if we try again I will be too. I was actually considered high risk this time because of my previous high blood pressure. This time nothing happened blood pressure wise and yet still high risk. With today's medicine you can have a perfectly healthy pregnancy for years yet. Don't let her get you down. I would also be frustrated with the ever changing timeline. You may have to have a come to Jesus meeting with your dh and let him know exactly how you feel. After all I think I agree with you- baby doesn't show up tomorrow so his studio would be done before baby came f you got pregnant next month.

oh I already have had many talks with him. Trust me once the walls, roof, windows, doors are installed and all they are working on is flooring, electrical, and plumbing I will talk about it again but not till then. I think I"m actually starting to get resentful of the building as well - as far as it is dictating our life. Only a few months left hopefully and it should be finished

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