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vlagrl35
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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NMMR a little family issue here - advice needed
I will try and make this as short as possible. It's actually a very long story…..
My mom and grandma haven't talked since last fall - my mom cut her out of her life to take care of herself. they have always had an off and on relationship. My mom says grandma is a malignant narcissist so I understand why she isn't speaking to her. Meanwhile during Feb. I went and visited my grandma without letting my mom know. I didn't want to have any regret of my grandma passed and I never saw her. Now she has a heart valve that needs repair and is on the list for the cardiologist to repair it. She had called me acting like she was dying but it is a routine procedure. Afterwards I debated telling my mom or not - I decided to just so she would know. My mom told me she is at peace and doesn't need to see her meanwhile thinking my grandma was trying to get me back in to hurt my mom. I've taken DD to visit her with me and have told DD not to say anything to nana about these visits. Well fast forward to last weekend when my mom was watching DD - my mom kind of tricked it out of DD and found out we have visited grandma. I was freaking out thinking my mom would get mad at me because she had threatened to distance herself from our family if I did visit grandma. I haven't said anything and she hasn't mentioned anything to me but the last week she has said she is nauseous and feeling like she has PTSD issues and even mentioned looking for a counselor. Now I'm carrying a bit of guilt I think for causing my mom this issue as it's kind of affecting her day to day life. Like maybe I should have never told my mom out my grandma's heart issue because that opened up the door. Sorry if this is confusing - any advice or opinions/ thoughts appreciated.
My mom and grandma haven't talked since last fall - my mom cut her out of her life to take care of herself. they have always had an off and on relationship. My mom says grandma is a malignant narcissist so I understand why she isn't speaking to her. Meanwhile during Feb. I went and visited my grandma without letting my mom know. I didn't want to have any regret of my grandma passed and I never saw her. Now she has a heart valve that needs repair and is on the list for the cardiologist to repair it. She had called me acting like she was dying but it is a routine procedure. Afterwards I debated telling my mom or not - I decided to just so she would know. My mom told me she is at peace and doesn't need to see her meanwhile thinking my grandma was trying to get me back in to hurt my mom. I've taken DD to visit her with me and have told DD not to say anything to nana about these visits. Well fast forward to last weekend when my mom was watching DD - my mom kind of tricked it out of DD and found out we have visited grandma. I was freaking out thinking my mom would get mad at me because she had threatened to distance herself from our family if I did visit grandma. I haven't said anything and she hasn't mentioned anything to me but the last week she has said she is nauseous and feeling like she has PTSD issues and even mentioned looking for a counselor. Now I'm carrying a bit of guilt I think for causing my mom this issue as it's kind of affecting her day to day life. Like maybe I should have never told my mom out my grandma's heart issue because that opened up the door. Sorry if this is confusing - any advice or opinions/ thoughts appreciated.
Re: NMMR a little family issue here - advice needed
Honestly, you and your DD have the right to keep contact with your grandmother regardless of the relationship between her and your mother. The issues are between them and they need to not drag you or your DD into this. The fact that your mom tried to get information out of your DD was wrong...she's only a little girl! You shouldn't have to "hide" your relationship with your own grandma.
I also wouldn't not be feeling bad or guilty about your moms health issues that you think you've caused because of this. Maybe it was from other stress or unrelated things she is also going through but she needs to act like an adult. Maybe she should seek out some help and maybe it will lead her to find some resolve with her mother....
I'm sorry you have to deal with this....
My mom was the scapegoat for my grandma - my grandma punished her, my aunt was the favorite who is now deceased. I heard the same things over and over and there is just so much resentment or maybe its like a defense mechanism when she talks about all the issues she dealt with when a kid. last fall my grandma had it in her head that my mom was cheating on my dad with a neighbor of my grandmas and that was such a ridiculous accusation. My mom was getting emails from my grandma one of which was my grandma mentioned she had to divorce my mom. That was the tipping point of all of this. My mom was trying to get my cousin or uncle to help her but no one would so she blocked them out as well. She said a malignant narcissist is the worst and her and my dad had a plan to go hide in the basement if grandma ever set foot on their property. I know this all sounds crazy.
Obviously if my grandma was treating me badly or bad mouthing my mom I wouldn't be visiting her or I would let her know that its not right, but that's not happening so that's why we still visit her on occasion.
PP's are right that the issues between your mom and grandma don't involve you. If your mom needs to see a therapist, then she should see a therapist. Also, it's incredibly unlikely that you caused any PTSD. Real PTSD is triggered by terrible life events like war or rape. Visiting a person your mom has a difficult relationship with does not come close to rising to that level.
Also, I don't think it's right that your mom tried to get it out of your daughter. Like another PP said, she's just a little girl, and she's being put in the middle of something that doesn't involve her in any way (you are too, for that matter).
I don't think you need to tell your mom all about it, but also don't think you need to actively hide it from her either. You're an adult, and you are entitled to visit or not visit your relatives as you see fit. You are also the one who is entitled to make those decisions for your daughter while she is young. You haven't done anything wrong here.
I agree with the other PPs. If it were me, I'd give my mom a broad, blanket statement along the lines of, "Mom, I'm so sorry you and grandma are no longer on speaking terms. While I completely understand why you have chosen to do that, she is still my grandma and I am not ready to cut ties."
Then, you're mom is already aware you are staying in touch with/visiting your grandma, without your feeling the "tell her/don't tell her" guilt every time you visit grandma.
If your mom is upset by that, too bad. No one is making her upset except her own self. I know that is easier said than done. Nobody wants their actions to upset their parents. But it's unreasonable for her to expect you cut ties, just because she did.