NMMR: SIL Birthday

Re: NMMR: SIL Birthday

• labro member

  

  September 2016

  That sounds really awful. We have to be really careful about how we talk about our lives around H's grandmother because if she knew how much we made then we'd probably get a lot of the same heavy hinting about pay for this, pay for that, so and so needs money, etc.
  
  We're all at the age now where if you're the birthday girl/boy you pretty much plan your own thing and invite everyone to join you, which for us means we typically host a dinner at our house with family and have cake/open presents. For someone as young as your SIL, I'd honestly expect her parents to be paying for something if they insisted on going on for dinner/having a big event since she's probably still in college/semi-dependent on them. That wouldn't stop me from wanting to help out in some way/buy the birthday girl some drinks, but I definitely wouldn't have the expectation of taking on the entire burden myself.
  
  I really don't get why your ILs are putting all this on you and your H, other than the obvious boundary issues you've already mentioned. If they keep on pushing...would it be possible for you to offer what would be a cheap alternative for you - dinner at your house with drinks and cake? And then they can take it or leave it?

  

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• Mustard76 member

  

  September 2016

  This might not be much help because we haven't done the family birthday thing for a really long time, as in 15ish years.
  
  But, what about keeping it simple? If you feel like responsibility is falling on you and your H, what about inviting them all over for dinner then find a fun spot to go out for drinks after? I know a dinner party isn't that great when you're freshly 21, but drinks after might be a good solution. You'll then be able to control the cost of dinner and just have an established budget for treating her for a few drinks. 

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• smetter04 member

  

  September 2016

  I wish it were as easy as having them over for dinner at our house and going out for drinks after, but they live 1.5hours away from us. That isn't crazy far away, but it turns into 'well if we're coming down we may as well stay the whole weekend.'  My instinct is that we should do dinner at their apartment, but the frustrating thing is that no one is communicating. SIL has hinted at what she wants but isn't making plans to make it happen. And I've pretty much dropped the rope since it's not my birthday to plan.
  

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• labro member

  

  September 2016

  If it were me, I'd honestly just say something like "We'll be happy to attend whatever you plan. Let us know the time and date and we'll be there." and drop the conversation after that. It's not your birthday and yeah it's frustrating that nobody seems to be communicating about it but I think you just need to extract yourself from the situation and let the chips fall where they may. It's on your SIL to be upfront about what she wants to do (not hints). I guess I don't know how the conversations are happening but I'd just keep passing that same message along whenever someone reaches out to you about plans. This shouldn't be on you.

  

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• smetter04 member

  

  September 2016

  @labro I guess what it comes down to is walking the fine line of trying not to appear disinterested in her birthday (in her eyes) and letting the chips fall where they may. I am excited for her 21st and want to have a good time with her, but the lead-up is so difficult. Thanks for your input! It is helpful.
  

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• short+sassy member

  

  September 2016

  labro said:

  If it were me, I'd honestly just say something like "We'll be happy to attend whatever you plan. Let us know the time and date and we'll be there." and drop the conversation after that. It's not your birthday and yeah it's frustrating that nobody seems to be communicating about it but I think you just need to extract yourself from the situation and let the chips fall where they may. It's on your SIL to be upfront about what she wants to do (not hints). I guess I don't know how the conversations are happening but I'd just keep passing that same message along whenever someone reaches out to you about plans. This shouldn't be on you.

  
  This is exactly the advice I was going to give.  I'd just "play dumb", express excitement over looking forward to seeing her on her birthday, and to "let us know when you all have decided what/where".

  The two things that strike me as super weird.  Why would you all, her brother's family, instead of her...or at least her parents...be remotely responsible for paying or planning?  More a rhetorical question, but that's so nuts.

  Why does she even want to be hanging out with her family anyway for her 21st birthday?  I mean, dinner maybe.  But most people I know go out partying with their friends 'til the wee hours of the morning.  Haha...or at 12:01AM on the "morning" of.  Of course, nothing wrong with the former.  Just struck me as unusual.

  Speaking of, I used to manage a big gas station/convenience store.  I had a guy come in one night at 10PM to buy some beer.  I asked for his ID.  And looked at it.  For about 30 seconds.  And looked at the date.  And looked at it again.  And laughed and said, "You're going to be 21 tomorrow?"  He said, "Yeah."  I said, "Sorry, man.  Happy early birthday!  But you need to come back after midnight.  I know it's silly, but the legal line has to be somewhere and that line is midnight tonight."  He was at least cool about it and understood.

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• smetter04 member

  

  September 2016

  short+sassy said:

  labro said:

  If it were me, I'd honestly just say something like "We'll be happy to attend whatever you plan. Let us know the time and date and we'll be there." and drop the conversation after that. It's not your birthday and yeah it's frustrating that nobody seems to be communicating about it but I think you just need to extract yourself from the situation and let the chips fall where they may. It's on your SIL to be upfront about what she wants to do (not hints). I guess I don't know how the conversations are happening but I'd just keep passing that same message along whenever someone reaches out to you about plans. This shouldn't be on you.

  
  This is exactly the advice I was going to give.  I'd just "play dumb", express excitement over looking forward to seeing her on her birthday, and to "let us know when you all have decided what/where".

  The two things that strike me as super weird.  Why would you all, her brother's family, instead of her...or at least her parents...be remotely responsible for paying or planning?  More a rhetorical question, but that's so nuts.

  Why does she even want to be hanging out with her family anyway for her 21st birthday?  I mean, dinner maybe.  But most people I know go out partying with their friends 'til the wee hours of the morning.  Haha...or at 12:01AM on the "morning" of.  Of course, nothing wrong with the former.  Just struck me as unusual.

  Speaking of, I used to manage a big gas station/convenience store.  I had a guy come in one night at 10PM to buy some beer.  I asked for his ID.  And looked at it.  For about 30 seconds.  And looked at the date.  And looked at it again.  And laughed and said, "You're going to be 21 tomorrow?"  He said, "Yeah."  I said, "Sorry, man.  Happy early birthday!  But you need to come back after midnight.  I know it's silly, but the legal line has to be somewhere and that line is midnight tonight."  He was at least cool about it and understood.

  Thank you @labro and @short+sassy for helping me not feel so guilty about not wanting to be responsible for the plans! I agree that it's odd that the responsibility is seemingly being pushed on us, which is why I've been so torn. She doesn't have many friends in the area to go out with so it kind of comes down to H and I to go out with her, which is fine because we've been looking forward to her 21st for a while now! But it's not up to us to make the plans and I need to remember that this is why I've been trying so hard to establish boundaries.
  

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• short+sassy member

  

  September 2016

  smetter04 said:

  short+sassy said:

  labro said:

  If it were me, I'd honestly just say something like "We'll be happy to attend whatever you plan. Let us know the time and date and we'll be there." and drop the conversation after that. It's not your birthday and yeah it's frustrating that nobody seems to be communicating about it but I think you just need to extract yourself from the situation and let the chips fall where they may. It's on your SIL to be upfront about what she wants to do (not hints). I guess I don't know how the conversations are happening but I'd just keep passing that same message along whenever someone reaches out to you about plans. This shouldn't be on you.

  
  This is exactly the advice I was going to give.  I'd just "play dumb", express excitement over looking forward to seeing her on her birthday, and to "let us know when you all have decided what/where".

  The two things that strike me as super weird.  Why would you all, her brother's family, instead of her...or at least her parents...be remotely responsible for paying or planning?  More a rhetorical question, but that's so nuts.

  Why does she even want to be hanging out with her family anyway for her 21st birthday?  I mean, dinner maybe.  But most people I know go out partying with their friends 'til the wee hours of the morning.  Haha...or at 12:01AM on the "morning" of.  Of course, nothing wrong with the former.  Just struck me as unusual.

  Speaking of, I used to manage a big gas station/convenience store.  I had a guy come in one night at 10PM to buy some beer.  I asked for his ID.  And looked at it.  For about 30 seconds.  And looked at the date.  And looked at it again.  And laughed and said, "You're going to be 21 tomorrow?"  He said, "Yeah."  I said, "Sorry, man.  Happy early birthday!  But you need to come back after midnight.  I know it's silly, but the legal line has to be somewhere and that line is midnight tonight."  He was at least cool about it and understood.

  Thank you @labro and @short+sassy for helping me not feel so guilty about not wanting to be responsible for the plans! I agree that it's odd that the responsibility is seemingly being pushed on us, which is why I've been so torn. She doesn't have many friends in the area to go out with so it kind of comes down to H and I to go out with her, which is fine because we've been looking forward to her 21st for a while now! But it's not up to us to make the plans and I need to remember that this is why I've been trying so hard to establish boundaries.
  

  The wanting you all to make plans is also weird because you all live out of the area anyway.

  It would be like, if someone asked me where to go for drinks/dinner in NOLA, I could give them ideas all day long.  But if someone asked me where to go in Baton Rouge.  Ummm...their guess is as good as mine.  That's 60 miles away and I'm not there very often.  Even if your H happened to grow up there and you all visit fairly often, businesses change and you're not hearing about/seeing places on a daily basis, like a local would.
  

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