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the great KID debate...
I'm just gonna dive right into this one...
anyone else out there find themselves struggling with the decision to have kids? My biological clock is ticking, but I keep hitting snooze. I just don't know what I really want anymore. I always THOUGHT I wanted kids (one girl, one boy), but then I thought that ONE would be plenty. And now I struggle with whether or not to have even the one.
This is, of course, not even taking into consideration my husband's thoughts/wants. At this point, he doesn't want ANY kids. (We argue back and forth on this one, but that's another posting altogether.)
But I'm still trying to come to terms myself. make up my own mind. I'm not asking for advice here... just wanted to see where other people stand on this. Seeing if there are others out there like me, or if I'm just "weird" in this way that I question this so much.
My husband has 2 nieces and a nephew that I get to watch grow up. We're a big part of their lives, and I LOVE it. I'm just not sure I want that kind of job full-time, you know? One day, I'll TOTALLY have baby fever, and almost break down crying when I see a family (with stroller, little kid, etc.) walking down the street together. But the very next day that sight will turn me off, and I think that I'll just get a dog instead.
I know that parenting is a full-time thing. And it takes a very unselfish person to do the job. I just don't know if I can do it right.
Aaaargh! Please, someone tell me I'm not completely nuts!
Re: the great KID debate...
It's a huge decision to start a family, and normal to have a lot of uncertainty. I love playing with my friends' kids, but I also love the fact that I come home to a kid-free environment. My husband and I are on the same page - no kids for us. That's the most important thing, that you and your husband agree on what works for you.
there are quite a few girls here who are either conflicted over the issue of having children or have decided that it's not for them. it's totally normal. obviously, i'm not one of them, but i understand that it's a difficult decision to make.
parenting is, indeed, a full-time thing. it's the most wonderful, frustrating, rewarding, amazing, fabulous experience and i love it. but it's not for everyone. and, it's really hard to figure out when you're really ready or not. but you have to first know that you WANT it, and if you can get past that, then the timing will come naturally.
however, it doesn't necessarily take an unselfish person to be a great parent. it's totally okay to be a little selfish, as long as you make the right decisions in the end.
Um...this is funny to me because I have almost the exact same situation. My bro has 2 daughters ( 5 and 7) and a son (2) and I call them my rental kids. I love them more than anything. Lately DH has been telling me he is thinking about being a dad a lot more, and my first thought is eeek!
thanks, all. keep it coming. this topic always fills me with so much doubt... in myself, my husband, aaargh...
i'd never been much of a "kid" person till my mid-college years. i started working in a home for abused/neglected kids, and saw how wonderful it all was, to be a positive influence in someone's life like that. it was soooo fulfilling to know that i was making a difference. And I got to handle a LOT there, but also got to do the fun stuff, like reading bedtime stories, etc. I fell in love with kids, though I have to admit that the little ones still scared me. ; )
I've made a lot of choices in my life that took me in different directions that I'd previously planned; big decisions made. One goal I used to have was to continue my education, get my Master's degree and become a child psychologist, or at least get back to working in that field. Then I decided that it would be really, really difficult to do that AND raise a family. I made the decision NOT to pursue that path, since (at that time) I would have rather raised my OWN family than spend time with other people's kids.
And now, I don't know. My husband and I have changed a lot over the 6 years that we've been together (him even more so than me). When we started out, we both wanted 2 kids. Then along the way, it changed to one. ANd now he says he doesn't want kids at all, and doesn't know if he can be pursuaded otherwise. So now I feel like I'm up against 2 HUGE issues here. Decide for myelf whether I even want children of my own, and then if I decide that I DO... decide again whether having a child is more important than keeping the relationship with my husband.
Joy of joys.
So, that's where I'm at. Rock (me) hard place.
I totally get what you mean. When I see pictures of other people's kids or when I see cute babies on the street, I totally want one. But then when I'm sitting in a restaurant with a crying child at the next table, I cringe. I take that as a sign that I'm not ready for the commitment.
So in the meantime, I'm gonna stand in line behind ssinca.?
i totally cringe when i hear a crying baby too. usually, this is while i'm pushing the happy, playing bean in her stroller.
that makes me a complete butthole, i know.
no, it makes sense. ; ) i KNOW that all kids have their "issues" and throw tantrums, etc. But a lot of it has to do with the parents and how they respond/handle things. I am up to HERE (hand waaaaay above head) with the type of parents that feel like the world is their kid's playground. You know the kind... kids running rampant thru the store/restaurant/wherever, screaming at the top of their lungs, etc. And it's not till you shoot the parent a dirty look that they stop and take notice of what their little brat (i mean, angel, of course) is doing, and then usually yell at the kid to stop, when in fact, the kid was being a kid and the parent just wasn't giving them any kind of guidance at all as to how their behavior SHOULD be.
and i know that this brings on a WHOLE other dimension/topic for discussion... but, while I'm in the middle of a vent, I'm gonna roll with it.
last night, i was in my dance class. the whole place is totally casual, and little kids are often brought to hang out while their parents dance... it seems to work okay for the most part. except for one family, who are acquaintances of mine (and former clients, too, which makes it even more sticky). Their kid is newly mobile. So while one parent is dancing, the other is watching the kid. problem is that the kid is (happily) screaming while they play a game together. Okay, um, cute (to you) and all, but I'm trying to dance, and relax, and concentrate here. Please for the love of (insert spiritual being here), take the screaming kid outside. Too cold? hang out in your car!!! I don't see how keeping your child happy should infringe on the well-being of the rest of us in class.
sigh. okay. i'm done.
I've always known I wanted kids and so has DH. I think if either of us ever questioned it, it would be a huge deal for the other person. I am glad we have waited though. Initially I wanted one ASAP but it was more so to fill a void more so than anything. I feel like I'm at the point now where it's beyond just needing some attention or some time off work.
For those of you who don't want kids or who are contemplating having kids o appease your spouse, please think long and hard. My mom is the product of someone who didn't want kids and it's really been hard for her. My grandma made it clear to her that she only had kids because my grandpa wanted kids and if they had been part of my mom's generation (when it was more acceptable to not have kids), she wouldn't have had any. I can't even imagine how hard that was for my mom to hear. If you do end up having kids for the sake of having kids, PLEASE don't tell your children!
wow. just wow. I can't imagine anyon actually SAYING that to their own child. How absolutely horrific.
yeah, that's why this is stressing me out so much. I want to make an actual CHOICE here, and not just do it cuz I'm "supposed to." I have informed my mom that she might not ever be getting grandbabies through me. She still feels the need to try and convince me whenever possible that I need to have kids. (That my life will somehow be less than complete without doing this?) My mom has even started BUYING babies' clothes. seriously.
I've had a less than stellar upbringing myself, with divorced parents (amongst other issues). And working in the kids homes that I have, I've seen a LOT of crap. Another reason to think things through.
This.
MH and I are at a point where we don't know if we'll ever have kids. We'll see what happens over the next few years, but as of now, I'd say the odds are 50/50 at best and maybe more like 70/30 for not having them. When I told my mom, she was at first a little shocked (thought it was MH trying to convince me that I didn't want them - not that way at all), but since then she has accepted it. When her friends ask her about it, she says "I had what I wanted, but now I want my daughter and her husband to have what they want, whether that is or is not having kids." I really appreciate that she feels this way.
And I'm 32.
seriously, thank you ALL for posting here. I have been feeling like such a FREAK lately for questioning this whole thing. Family/friend pressures have taken their toll, and my marriage is also suffering because of it.
I still feel like I'm on everyone else's timeline, you know? You've all been there... when you're dating, it's "when are you going to get married?" Then you're engaged and it's "when's the big day" and ALL talk turns to wedding-related stuff. Immediately after the wedding it's "when are you having kids?" constantly. i thought i'd be safe from questioning for awhile, cuz my step-sis actually recently had twins in October of last year. She even made a comment to me, like "at least this will take the heat off you for awhile." nope. not even close. my mom has evenmade comments like "I love them so much, but it will be different when it's YOUR kids...that will be even MORE special." And I keep reminding her that I may not ever HAVE kids...but I think she still thinks it's a "phase" I'm going through.
I dunno. I just know that I'm not ready for a kid NOW. I don't know if I ever will be, but at least I know that NOW is not a good time.
I find it kinda funny when the sight of a new baby often does nothing to me, and yet when I see a cute little dog being walked, I get all excited.
But, thanks to all of you, at least I now know I'm "normal."
Most of my friends aren't married yet, and the ones who are all seem to be on the same "track" in life... meet, get married, have kids, buy a home... I feel like the oddball.
I cringed when on the flight out to MI, we had a baby in front of us, a baby across from us, and two small children (under 4) behind us. Luckily, they were all very well behaved and had minimal crying, but I was seriously worried for awhile. I told myself not to judge because that'll be us in the near future, but I still couldnt help it.
Confession:
During a recent dinner at Masa's in San Francisco, there was a three-year-old dining with her parents. She cried. She squealed. She even got up and ran around.
I don't pay good money for fine dining to have to endure such shenanigans. I wanted to muzzle her and her parents.
I even took a picture of the little brat, but I didn't post it in my review. It made me angry all over again.
And I was not the only one who felt like this. Many many people in the room were shooting daggers their way all night long.
w.o.w. weemo.
I'm thinking if you can afford a dinner at masa's, you can afford a babysitter.
Biggest Pet Peeve EVER
Oh, the mother was particularly obnoxious. It was apparent that they'd been there before with the brat.
I actually heard her say, "We've been coming since she was a baby!"
Amazing stuff.
well, then, boo to the restaurant. they should have been banned.
DH and I both used to think we wanted kids (before we met). As time has gone on I just lost all interest in it. I got to see my nieces grow up (now 10 and almost 12) and my DH has two nieces almost the same age. We have too many things we want to do and too many adventures we want to go on and having kids would prevent us from doing them. When I see people with kids on trips, outings I realize how nice it is not to have to deal with them.
DH asked me the day before we got engaged "now you are sure you don't want kids, right?" I can't imagine marrying someone and not being on the same page with this issue. It seems like this would be a deal breaker.
the problem is that we both USED to be on the same page. But, as we grew and changed, and our relationship grew and changed, we just weren't sure anymore. So, while an actual decision HAS to be made at some point, it doesn't help to make a decision when I'm not sure of where I stand. And then if I decide I DO want kids, I have to ask myself... is having a child more important to me than this relationship I have with this wonderful person I now call my husband? So, just because we're not on the same page on the kid issue doesn't mean that it's an automatic deal breaker. We have always been open and honest with one another as far as where we stand with this (and other important issues), so it's not like it came as a sudden surprise.?