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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Ok, serious question...
So, I was wondering how many of you (either with or without kids) knew they want(ed) kids but had to talk their DHs into having them.
Trying to make this short, I thought for a long time I didn't want to have kids. ?But the older I am getting, the more I am changing my mind. ?I think I am certain I want kids now but DH is pretty much dead set against them. ?I never really thought this would be a problem since I didn't want them either. He has come around a little lately but he still doesn't /really/ want kids. ?Do you guys think I have a shot in hell??
Re: Ok, serious question...
If you changed your mind, he may too. It will probably take time, but it might happen. I would definitely talk it out.
I know this is weird, but this sounds just like the book baby proof (at least what the back says). I know a couple of other girls have read it.
Scheduled IVF for April 2013--SURPRISE, don't need it! EDD 9/6/13
Ponder-ing whether or not to become a Viking's fan
That's a tricky situation because you both went into the marriage not wanting kids but now you have changed your mind so it probably has taken him for a whirl. Do you know why he doesn't want kids? Is there a reason?
I think you def have a shot especially if lately he has been coming around. You may just want to have a serious conversation with him in regards to why he doesn't want kids. I hope it works out for you!
I thought the same thing! I read that book and it was quite interesting.
Ok, so here's the deal. ?We have been together for 8 1/2 years. ?When we got together, I wanted kids, he didn't but we never actually thought we were going to stay together this long. ?Well, the longer we stayed together, the more and more I liked not having kids so I changed my mind. ?(Again, I wasn't actually sure we would ever get married.) ?Well, we got engaged last year and married in May of this year. ?A few months before we got married, we kind of started talking about having kids. ?He said he was starting to come around, but it still wouldn't be any time soon. ?Honestly, I think his main concern is money. ?We seem to live paycheck to paycheck now and it sucks. ?Sure we have savings....but not what he thinks we should have to really start a family. ?I know he would be a great dad and I think maybe he will come around but ?he is SOOOOO worried about the money thing. ?Don't get me wrong, I understand it's very expensive and hard to have a family these days, but no one is EVER financially ready to have kids and I don't think he understands that.
My big problem is I'll be 32 in a couple months. ?I know I'm not old, but I don't want to wait for much longer to get the show on the road. ?I just don't want to be 60 at my kids graduation. ?I still want to be able to enjoy my golden years too. ?
I can totally understand the money. My DH wanted kids, but wanted to wait because of the money situation. Well, as you can see we have no choice now. Basically, when you have a baby, ready or not, you will become ready. We have no choice. We are cutting back, moving to a cheaper place, etc. and we have to make it happen. Just talk about your concerns and he may change his mind. Maybe suggest ways that you two can change your lifestyle so that you can be ready for baby financially.
IMO, if he doesn't come around or decides not to I think that's just a decision you might have to get used to since you got married knowing it wasn't a priority of his.
Oh, don't get me wrong. ?There is NO WAY I would ever leave him if he doesn't come around. ?He is my life and my soul mate and this will not change that at all. ?Sure, I want kids but not at the cost of the love of my life. ??
My situation is flip-flopped from yours... DH wanted kids like 7 years ago when we first started dating. He couldn't wait to get married and be a dad.
Me, on the other hand, I was really scared to get married or have kids up until recently. So people can change their minds.
I would have an honest convo with him bout it. Maybe if he sees how much you really want them now, it'll change his perspective some.
If he is entertaining the idea now...it is only a matter of time. When he sees all your new nestie friends with babies, and sees that we all have cool lives even though we have kids...you are in there!!!! haha. Hey, the woman has the ultimate control in that department anyway..hahah. I am kidding...kind of!...(never would I say that if he was totally against the idea)
I am sure it is scary for a man to start a family...maybe even more so than a women. Men want to be the providers. I am sure he wants to be in a position of knowing that he can take care of him, you and the life you have created together. Dont rush him into making any decisions. You do have some time and you never know where you may be in just one year from now. Personally I wouldn't say or do anything just yet. Give it some time and I like to think he would come around.
On a side note...I dont get couples who never have kids. To not be able to concieve is a different story but to simply not want is weird to me. I love family and being with family so I am sure that is why I feel that way. I also always think of people who grow old and never have kids that lose their spouses. I would never want to be in that position. I would want my children to be there with me.
I was just reading about this in my Women's Health magazine. I personally don't think you should try to convince him. You knew his preference going into the marriage. If he comes around, he does. But I would never ever want to pressure someone to have kids. I just think it will show in their parenting.
It concerns me that you didn't think you'd stay together but now you want to have kids with him?
Did Rylie give you the baby fever?
I think from now on Brett has to only be around her before 5PM. After that, I can't guarantee her mood...as you saw last weekend. (But hey, at least once she goes to sleep she sleeps!)
Seriously, though...like others said, I think you need to have a serious talk with him. Yes, the cost of daycare and other baby expenses sucks, but the wonderfulness (haha is that even a word???) of being a parent greatly outweighs that.
Good luck!
Oh! And if you would have asked Brian a few years ago if he wanted kids, he may have very well said no. But I can tell you with 100% certainty that he loves Rylie more than anything in the world and is so glad that we have her.
I know he wouldn't change anything.
Well, first and foremost I am not going to convince him to have kids. ?It's something that, like I said, we have discussed and is still up in the air. Right now he is against it, but like I said in another post it's because of money. ?We don't have it now. ?In another year, who knows where we'll be. ?Heck, I'm not ready to give birth tomorrow. ?But I would like to start trying maybe this time next year. ?And about knowing his preference going into the marriage....like I said, we had had several conversations about it before getting married and he was starting to come around. ?It just seems like he's more against it now than before we got married. ?But we have been going through some things lately financially so that may be what it's all about now. ?Again, I would never "pressure" someone into having kids. ?If he doesn't ever come around, then we don't ?have kids. He likes kids and would be a great father, it's just scary and I can COMPLETELY understand that.
As for it concerning you that I didn't think we would stay together, not that it's any of your business, but he was 19 and just out of a long term, controlling relationship as was I so neither one of us wanted to settle down. ?We went through a lot of ups and downs and realized (after a while) that we were meant for each other. ?I mean, I think at this point that is quite obvious since we have already been together for longer than a lot of marriages in this country now a days last.?
That's what I keep telling myself. ?For so long he was absolutely against it. ?But the older we get and the more settled we get, the more he starts to entertain the idea. ?Heck, when we first met he said he was never going to get married. ?That only took 8 1/2 years to change. ? Heh.
And I completely agree with you about him wanting to be the provider. We have had this little joke for a while now about him wanting to "keep" me. ?Meaning I stay home and be a house wife and he make all the money. ?That's his mind set. ?He wants me to not have to ever work and him be able to take care of him, me and our kids (if/when we have them).
See, I always thought that without kids I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. ?Well, while that's true, that just doesn't sound like how I want to spend the next 100 years of my life. ?(Yeah, I'm gonna live that long!) ?I just can't imagine not having kids when I am old. ?I could, until I /really/ grew up and now that just doesn't seem like an option to me.
Thanks for your advice by the way. ?Can't wait for lunch next week!?
I had the fever a while ago but I certainly think she put the nail in the coffin. ?;)
B knows that it's not easy. ?So seeing her after 5pm last weekend just showed that. ?But she was still really good considering how tired and fussy she was. ?I caught him staring and smiling at her more than once. And so did Kim. ?:)?
Well, I haven't been in your situation, but I can kind of understand where you are coming from. DH and I were older when we met (early 30s) and both of us wanted children. It was something that was discussed during the first two weeks of us dating (and constantly throughout our relationship. I originally wanted 3 (with 2-3 years in between) and he wanted 2 (one year in between).
Well, between my first pg being high risk, me on bedrest for 3 months and a 5 week prem. baby... I think the fear that something would happen to me in another pg, started my DH "second thoughts" about another one. At one point we agreed that we would be "one and done".
Well, about 6 months ago I really started to get "baby fever" again. He was starting to reconsider it too. So we decided to start ttc #2 this summer. Well, about a month ago, DH started getting nervous again. He finally admitted that his concerns were totally financial. We both have to work and we have plans for private schools (if the need arises) and college for our child(ren). DH is also "big" into "toys", cars, 4-wheelers, kayaking, etc and wants to share these loves with his children, and feels like 2 children would cut into these expenses.
We ended up having a very serious conversation. I told him I would give up all the "toys", shop at garage sales, cut coupons, and do whatever I had to do, to have another child that I could love and feel the same way about as I do our son. I also told him that we had come to a cross roads that really worried me. I knew that if he refused to have another child, I would eventually come to resent him. And I was afraid that if we did have another child, that he would eventually come to resent me. He is completely aware of how important completing my family is to me. He took a few weeks to think about it, and fortunately, has come around. So we are "jumping in" to ttc #2.
Your husband has the right to have those concerns, but you are right to let him come around on his own. You are also right, in that you are never "financially READY" for children.... you just make it happen. Good Luck!
this is kind of on point* I think you should read the book "Baby Proof" by Emily Giffin. It's a good book and kind of deals with this issue (flipped scenario).
I always said I didn't want to have any children, but now I'm starting to think otherwise. Some days DH is ready to start conceiving that evening, and others he doesn't ever want to think about children...
good luck.
I totally understand...I'm in the exact situation in terms of not wanting kids in the beginning but now, wanting them and DH not wanting them.
Not sure if this will help you but here's what I've done.
I've initiated a talk with him to discuss what I was feeling and why and got his feelings on the idea of having a baby, etc.. Although he's not feeling it at this time, he did remind me that he has been known to change his mind. Knowing my husband and understanding his reasons why, that one statement was satisfying for me.
With that, I left it alone. Yes, its still in the back of mind, but its been discussed. For me since I know when we discussed this subject in the beginning we were both on the same page and I have since changed my mind I will let it be.
I know my husband, and understands his reasons as he does mine so with that being said, I've resolved within myself to accept it either way. For me if its its meant to be it will be.
So basically...if you've already discussed this with your husband and nothing definite has been agreed on at this time, just let it be. You know your husband...
I HTH some...
I don't really have a lot to add to this that others haven't already said (deanna, scmcmahon) so I'll just echo their sentiments. You know your DH the best, and all you can do is talk to him, and then leave it alone for a while. Bringing it up all the time will only make it worse! It'll work out.
When Todd and I started dating both of us "assumed" we would have kids. I didn't think we would get married though, so I never considered if WE would have kids. Before we got married I told him flat out that I wanted to be a mom some day and he said he was on the same page. About 6 mns after we got married he said he was changing his mind and that he didnt think he wanted kids any more. While I had no plans to leave him, I was really pissed off! I never made any bones about wanting to be a mom (not that I was one of those girls who's life goal was to be a mommy, but I just knew I wanted a family at some point). I let it go (after telling him I felt like I had been lied to) and didn't bring it up. About 6 months after that he said he wanted to start trying. I was actually really scared about this! I was still thinking he didnt want kids and was starting think maybe this wasnt such a bad thing! We decided to try, thinking it would probably be 6 months to a year before I actually got pregnant, and low and behold I was pregnant the next month! It's crazy how things work out. And honestly I think we think too damn much these days! We have way too many choices for everything. Having kids didnt used to be a decision that we made. It either happened or it didnt. Now we go to great length to make sure its the "right" thing and the "right" time. I'm here to tell you...there is no "right" time! When the baby gets here that all of a sudden becomes the right time!!!
Its also my opinion that not having kids does not make you any less of a couple or a less of a family. Families come in all shapes and sizes and the fact that you and your husband have been together as long as you have to me means you are obviously great together. My boss and her husband dont have kids and they have very full lives.
This is way longer than I had intended, but its just my 2 cents!!
Thank you so much. ?That was really great advice. ?I am the same way. ?I tend to WAY over think things, one of which lately being having kids. ?I mean, I know you have to kind of plan it (going off the pill and what not) but it just seems like every time I think yes, something else inside me says no. ?I am 99.9% certain that I want to have kids, not now but in the next year or two. ?Your advice was great!! ?Maybe this time next year we'll be talking about a due date? ?(Fingers crossed.)?