October 2007 Weddings
Dear Community,
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Need advice on an ex
So one of the wonders of facebook is that you get reunited with people from your past whom you haven't spoken with in years and years... this of course can be both a good and a bad (or at least, nostalgic and a bit confusing) thing.
So one of the people I got back in touch with was one of my first "real" boyfriends, from when I was 18-19 years old. I had had one important boyfriend before this guy, but this guy was the first one who was a good friend before we started dating, and we had a very deep, albeit short relationship (we met on a year-abroad program, so after the year was over, we went our separate ways...). It took me a while to get over him because we had been so close and I did feel a loneliness and a loss for a while afterwards (even while dating other people who, of course, did not come close to the depth of the relationship I had experienced with this guy).
We kept in touch for a few years, always remembering each other's birthdays, etc., but we eventually lost touch, only to be reunited this year through the aforementioned wonders of facebook. Which is when I noticed that his profile picture showed him with a girl who looked extremely familiar... and although, since it was 10 years ago and I could barely remember last names from that year-abroad program, the "in a relationship with..." name did seem familiar as well. I was pretty sure that he was dating a girl who had been on our year-abroad program with us (but had just been friends with at the time). I didn't want to bring it up right away, but after a few months, I did ask him about it in a general way, and found out that yes, he and this girl had always stayed in touch, and had gotten together last year. And today, I found out via facebook that he asked her to marry him last night and she accepted!
I am very happy that he's happy, and I always thought this girl was nice (we were casual friends on the program). It just feels a little weird to look back on that year abroad and think that the girl he would eventually be perfect with wasn't me at all, but was her. In some ways it feels so fortuitous for both of them, but in other ways it makes me feel like I was just a waste of time or a mistake on his part. I know that sounds a bit ridiculous, but it's kind of how I feel. I don't think I would feel the same about this if I hadn't known the other girl (and if we hadn't all been on the same program together).
This is something that has been vaguely troubling me for months now (although to clarify, vaguely as in very vaguely, I have not been obsessing over this, and it comes to my mind only every once in a while), and so I wanted to see what your thoughts were on how to deal with the confusing emotions that come up when you find that an ex has moved on (duh, just like I have), but especially moved on with a mutual acquaintance. I really just want to be happy for him and not feel all weirded out about it. Advice and thoughts please!
So one of the people I got back in touch with was one of my first "real" boyfriends, from when I was 18-19 years old. I had had one important boyfriend before this guy, but this guy was the first one who was a good friend before we started dating, and we had a very deep, albeit short relationship (we met on a year-abroad program, so after the year was over, we went our separate ways...). It took me a while to get over him because we had been so close and I did feel a loneliness and a loss for a while afterwards (even while dating other people who, of course, did not come close to the depth of the relationship I had experienced with this guy).
We kept in touch for a few years, always remembering each other's birthdays, etc., but we eventually lost touch, only to be reunited this year through the aforementioned wonders of facebook. Which is when I noticed that his profile picture showed him with a girl who looked extremely familiar... and although, since it was 10 years ago and I could barely remember last names from that year-abroad program, the "in a relationship with..." name did seem familiar as well. I was pretty sure that he was dating a girl who had been on our year-abroad program with us (but had just been friends with at the time). I didn't want to bring it up right away, but after a few months, I did ask him about it in a general way, and found out that yes, he and this girl had always stayed in touch, and had gotten together last year. And today, I found out via facebook that he asked her to marry him last night and she accepted!
I am very happy that he's happy, and I always thought this girl was nice (we were casual friends on the program). It just feels a little weird to look back on that year abroad and think that the girl he would eventually be perfect with wasn't me at all, but was her. In some ways it feels so fortuitous for both of them, but in other ways it makes me feel like I was just a waste of time or a mistake on his part. I know that sounds a bit ridiculous, but it's kind of how I feel. I don't think I would feel the same about this if I hadn't known the other girl (and if we hadn't all been on the same program together).
This is something that has been vaguely troubling me for months now (although to clarify, vaguely as in very vaguely, I have not been obsessing over this, and it comes to my mind only every once in a while), and so I wanted to see what your thoughts were on how to deal with the confusing emotions that come up when you find that an ex has moved on (duh, just like I have), but especially moved on with a mutual acquaintance. I really just want to be happy for him and not feel all weirded out about it. Advice and thoughts please!
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Re: Need advice on an ex
Truth be told, I think that many people can be 'right' for us, and perhaps you may have been right for him had you kept in closer touch and had some level of intention to continue the relationship.
Regarding you being a 'waste of time', although you know its ridiculous to feel that way I have to reinforce that you are right. Do you regret the time you shared with him? Do you wish you hadn't wasted time dating before you found your husband? Of course not! Its unlikely that you will find the person you will marry when you are 18. That is the time in your life to be dating around. You were a contribution to his life, a good friend, and part of his maturing and growth process (like he was for you!)
I'm rambling, but I hope I made some kind of a point that makes sense. I think its normal to wonder why it is that relationships turn out the way they do and why people we were once involved with eventually choose to be with xyz person with xyz traits. Especially if we know the person they end up with.
The truth is that neither of us was ready for the kind of complex relationship we were involved in. We were too young, immature and unsettled for things to work. When it ended I realized I wanted to be ready and set out to grow up while he realized he didn't want to be and resumed a carefree life without entanglements.
In the end I know that knowing him changed me for the better and I believe that the same was true for him. If nothing else our involvement helped us to clarify the things that were most important to us and that's never a waste of time. I'm happy for him knowing that he's off living the adventure he craved and I have no regrets because I'm exactly where I always wanted to be.
Come back to tell us what he thinks about it.
I had my "one big ex" contact me on facebook also. He was engaged before I was, but I found out through facebook that they broke it off. He failed out of Purdue and is wanting to move to Hawaii and become a pastor and marry people on the beaches. WTF? We facebook-chatted for a minute, and he said the weirdest thing, as he was asking about the baby and work and everything else: "I always knew you would grow up before I did." I'm glad he knew that (as I always did), but I hope he's not dwelling on the past either.
My one ex who I was friends with all through college is married to a girl I used to cheer with, my other ex is still friends with me and Todd (he went to HS with Todd), and my other ex.... well, I honest to God hope his body is rotting in a ditch somewhere.
It's funny because, just today, the Election board (465, I've been posting on there a bit lately) has had two or three posts about exes and facebook. Apparently this is something that affects a lot of people. ;-)
I have one ex who bothers me. The others I'm either friendly with or not in touch with. My first boyfriend ever is actually a father of 3, living in Kansas and going through a divorce. *The* ex has left me alone, aside from one snide text about how I was probably already married and had a child. That kind of ex is way worse, be glad yours is such a good guy and that two good people ended up together. Holy shiit that's sappy.