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VENT - DH and inlaws (long, sorry)
Sorry if this is all over, I just can't get a handle on my thought process lately. Too many things all at once. That's why it's long, I can't organize myself 
I hate, hate, hate going to his hometown because it's not relaxing trying to run between two homes to ensure everything is "fair". Plus his dad is passive aggressive and never happy anyway. Or he offers "suggestions" that if you don't agree with means you aren't open minded or if you disagree with him you "can't take a joke". DH naturally doesn't pick up on this having lived with it his entire life.
I try to avoid seeing his dad as much as possible, it's come to the point where it just isn't fun, not to mention I found out recently that the last time we were there I made some comment about DH's job and it became a huge discussion topic in the family about whether or not we were going to divorce. DH works from home for a company in another province. My job doesn't transfer well to said province and certainly not for what I make, at the time I loved my job (that would be another vent), cost of living is slightly higher there, not having my income would be tight. I said something like "DH would love to move there but I don't see how it's possible, what would I do?"
His family has no sense of boundaries. And really show very little respect for the fact that we are adults with our own lives. His dad gets offended if they call on Thursday to tell us they're coming to stay on Saturday for a visit and we say "sorry, we already have plans and won't be here." DH gets stressed because he doesn't want anyone upset with him. Eventually I become the bad guy for refusing to consider changing plans (how is that fair to the friends who asked 3 weeks ago if we want to go somewhere?).
I'm 90% certain I am not the DIL they would have chosen. I know they prefer go with the flow SIL who also gave them the grandchild they were desperate for. I know they find it weird that I refuse to discuss finances with them. Doesn't help things that DH says "kmap prefers to keep that between us", he finds it odd too that I have issues with sharing what I make or how much we spent on whatever, he goes with it but won't say "We prefer to keep that between us" and doesn't see the big deal.
I've disagreed with them on other things as well. We do the DH deals with his family, I deal with mine thing but he usually says "kmap doesn't want to do this" or "kmap thinks..." so I become the bad guy in EVERYTHING. He says he's just being honest because he doesn't care either way. He doesn't get it.
My parents live an hour from the inlaws on a lake property. I love to spend time there but hate to go because if the inlaws find out they want us to come see them too. Not unreasonable but defeats the purpose of a relaxing weekend at the lake. And it's not better if we invite them because in the end I didn't visit enough, my reason for going is to lay reading by the lake, it's my down time and it's what I do regardless of who is there - my family or his. No one else, including his mom, has a problem with this. Just them. So it's an issue when they come out.
Now we were planning to spend a week at the lake, DH planning to go in a few times to visit his family. So of course we have a fight because he's going to tell them "drop in any time, you know where we'll be" and I want to set limits or they'll be there every day, we'll just fight because he'll be upset with how I act when they're around, it won't be fun.
His answer is that we don't go at all. Forget it completely. Rather then say "we're using some vacation days so we have plans for these days do you want to come on x day?" so we can also enjoy down time. When it comes to his family it's all or nothing. I want down time. Not entertaining everyone else. I need down time, work is not going well, I'm not happy, I'm in a really bad place. I was looking forward to this. And now, without even going we're fighting about going.
Internally I'm not in a good place. It's possibly the worst time to add a visit with his family issue because I'm not strong enough right now to deal with it, I wanted to get away and try to sort my thoughts. And he just doesn't get it.
Re: VENT - DH and inlaws (long, sorry)
Yikes. Sounds like a bad situation. Your husband needs to be on your side though. He married you and needs to put you first. And by that, I mean that he needs to stop referring to you as the decision maker. That only creates bad feelings between you and the ILs and paints you as the bad guy.
I have some minor IL issues, but that was one thing that I was quite clear about. Whether or not something was my idea, if in the end, we both agree to it, then it's OUR decision, not mine and my huaband needs to say "we" or "us" instead of "CBL".
Hope things get sorted out and you can have a few relaxing days at the lake!
To save you from another novel, DH just doesn't see any of this as not putting me first. More me being unreasonable because I hate his family. He just doesn't get it. I think it's partly because he grew up in his dad's home and thinks a lot of it is normal and this is what you do for family. I've tried pointing out we have none of these problems when it comes to his mom and he just doesn't see it.
Same thing with the decision making, his response is "well I don't care, it was you who wanted me to say something". I've told him it just makes me look bad, I've also tried pointing out he's trying to keep the peace with his dad at the expense of my feelings and making me unhappy. He doesn't make the connection.
Add to that the bad habit he inherited from his mom - ignore problems and hurt feelings and maybe they'll go away.
Ditto. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Inlaws can be difficult to deal with. Has your DH indicated WHY he won't use "we" instead of "kmap"?
(((HUGS)))
I agree with the other girls....he needs to be supporting you, especially if you're going through a rough time. My family also has a cottage, and I totally get what you mean about needed it to be down time where you spend the day on the dock reading. We are not going to the ILs cottage this year just for that reason.
I don't really have any suggestions on how to solve your issue, but I think that even if DH doesn't want to go, you need to go to the cottage and relax...you deserve it!
Tough situation. Can you explain to him that it has nothing to do with his family, you just don't want to share certain things with anyone (ie: finances)?
As for the lake - explain to your husband how much you are looking forward to alone time with him. Would this perhaps help him to not extend an open invitation to his family to hang out with you anytime they want to?
So sorry to hear you are going through this...again and again. I think our hubbies have a little more in common than their names...
I agree with the other ladies. Even if DH does not get it, he needs to change the way he is framing things to his family. He also needs to understand that its OK for you to feel this way. He may not fully understand, but he needs to accept it. Maybe this is a case where practice makes perfect? If he changes to using "we" instead of "kmap" he'll likely see some benefits in the relationship between the two of you. He may also see his family backing off. In both cases...things get better. You two are happier, and hopefully, the conflict comes up less often with his Dad. Boundaries are a good thing...and his Dad isn't going to get that unless someone sets them.
DH is really good at using "we", but he's not so good at always respecting my feelings or understanding my choices. I know he sometimes says "we" grudgingly, which I hate. It reminds me of when I was a kid and you did something that made your parents "disappointed" Not raging mad, but disappointed...
DH would never admit it, but he's a "everyone play nice and get along, and ignore the unpleasant stuff" guy too. (So is his Mom, which drives him batty, but he does the same thing.) I'm a, "Let's talk this out like adults and deal with it", kind of person. We can clash too.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm sure I'm nopt the DIL my IL's wanted either. (Heck - they still talk to my DH's ex on a daily basis. They've never accepted her actions or what she did to DH. I don't get it...)
You need time to relax and deal with things. If DH cares about you, he needs to support that too. No one can relax if they are stressed.
If you want to chat...just let me know.
K,
Thinking of you tons. Sorry things are so bad right now. We are close if you want coffee...I'll buy!
Hugs!
Sarah
oh geez, this is frustrating! Can you talk to him and switch the roles around about how you are made to look like the bad guy? Like, "can you imagine if I told my parents, K doesn't want talk about this" Your family, "why not?" You, "I dunno, I don't really care either way, but he does and he's mr decision maker" at every conversation you have this is how you are making me look.
And the lake thing, ugh. Yes, you clearly need a break. He needs to establish boundaries-why can't he do that?? I've learned to establish boundaries, and if I can, anybody can. And he's being childish by just throwing up his arms and pouting because he can't invite his family. He does put his family first and it should be the other way around. Like the Thursday phone calls for the weekend coming up. Ummm yea, call us for 3 weeks notice and we can guarantee you some time. Very very frustrating. I probably just scrambled you even more with my randomness :S ?But let us know if you need a quick GTG of coffee or whatever ((hugs))?