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WWYD?
DW and I have been having a lot of issues lately and I'm not sure what to do. We had a few issues before we got our DP but now there are a lot of problems coming about.
1) She acts like my parent and scolds me for no reason all the time
2) She gets mad when I walk in the house and I'm on the phone (usually with my sister) but she doesn't think it's a big issue when she does it
3) She gets mad that I don't want to go to her parent's house 3-4 times a week
4) She doesn't want my past to be a part of my present/future (i.e. my daughter father - we split on good terms when i came out, my friends)
5) She doesn't want either of us to go anywhere without the other, no alone time, no lunch with friends
6) She waits to see how long it takes me to kiss her on the cheek when I walk in the house and gets mad if it takes too long
I'm starting to feel like she has MAJOR control issues and I'm not happy with it. It's carried over in a big way to my daughter and I don't like how it's affecting her.
I need another perspective so I don't overthink or underthink it.
Re: WWYD?
My first gut response was that yes, she has major control issues. I do not think you should take all those things lightly. Looking back over your list, though, there are some that are definitely red flags and some that could possibly be resolved with a few good open discussions (preferably with some professional assistance). Sounds to me like you should meet with a counselor to start to sort it out. On your own, I would say (at least to begin with), but couples counseling is probably a good idea, too.
How is your communication? Have you told her how upset these things make you?
IUI #3 gave us the best 2nd anniv. gift ever: 2 babies! (born 03/09/10)
Peanut and Little Man are getting so big! 2 years old already!
finally blogging again at This Will Be: An Adventure
Yes, I try to talk to her about all of it but she gets defensive, puts up a wall and refuses to listen. She thinks I'm picking on her when I'm actually trying to solve the problem.
I've already suggested a counselor and she says she won't go, that we can work it out on our own.
Lately I've been pointing it out right when she starts the parent/child scolding and she gets mad and ignores me for the next hour or two. She will then start talking to me as if nothing happened.
Two Mommies Healing Hearts
It sounds like your DW has not only some control issues...but I think underneath the scolding that she is insecure. Her demands on your time, the kiss on the cheek, etc all sound like she is scared that you aren't going to stay. Try to remember that anger is rarely what's really going on...it's just the surface emotion to cover what the real one is underneath.
I know it's hard to do because you're PO'd at her behavior...but maybe try being a little extra loving to her both physically and verbally and see if it calms down her behavior that is driving you nuts.
Bottom line though...this posting seems to SCREAM insecurity on her part for some reason and counseling may really be a great way to uncover why....
GL
It is very hard to deal such person but if you really love her, you have to tell her that a relationship is responsibility, respect, understanding and trust. Its not a MAJOR control thingy to put a world just for the two of you. We are human beings and we still need other people (friends, family), to deal each and everyday of our life.
pp's offered lots of great advice but the two things i wanted to underscore were 1) you are not overthinking/overreacting - these are some serious red flags that will undermine a relationship if they aren't addressed 2) counseling - even if she wont go with you, it do a world of good to talk to a professional and get thier advice on techniques for addressing the issues.
oh, and i also think you are brave for sharing your concerns and seeking help. i wish you all the best!
Blogs: Our Growing Family - CT Working Moms
Ditto 100%.
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer
tritto.
PP's have great advice. Counseling for just you (or both of you if you can get her to agree to go) may help. Couples counseling would be best, but she has to want to go with you, not be dragged. Some things you said remind me of my ex--gave me shivers. We did couples counseling but only "so the counselor can tell you how wrong you are" and that's a direct quote--obviously it didn't work for us. If you can't get her to go with you, PLEASE go on your own. It gave me the strength to find perspective, tactics to try for working on our communication, and ultimately helped me find my way thru things.
You might find this book helpful: "Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You" by Patricia Evans. It helped me see things from a different perspective, though it was a heavy read. What you have described are controlling behaviors and you aren't overthinking it. I wish you luck with this, I am here anytime you want to talk, I have been down this road. You two can get thru this with good communication and patience on both sides.
We've had this talk many, many times... I tell her I need her to trust me, I've never given her reason not to; I ask her to be responsible for her actions in the relationship and not play the victim; I ask that she understands that I do things differently than her; and finally I ask for respect as an adult and spouse.
She's said before that she needs anger management classes, she's actually been ordered to go to them before we met. I find a few classes for her and she says she won't go because the classes are full of wife beaters and child abusers. I ask her if she will go to counseling and she says no, it's not for her and we can work it out on our own.
It's like I'm in this vicious cycle where I am always in the wrong, always getting in trouble, not being able to be me.
We talked a couple weeks ago about the ways we've changed since we met, she clearly stated that I'm not a happy person anymore, I'm not happy to see her anymore, I don't want to do anything with her, etc. I tried to explain that I feel repressed, that I'm not allowed to be who I was when we first met but she doesn't see that. I used to call myself andro (although I was more of a tomboy-ish t-shirt and jeans wearing, faux hawk kind of girl) and now I'm as girly as girly can get because she wants it that way.
I went from...
http://i88.photobucket.com/albums/k163/butterflygrooves/Shannie.jpg
To...
http://i88.photobucket.com/albums/k163/butterflygrooves/1245946972.jpg
I know I am to blame for allowing the changes but most of the time it's easier to give in to what she wants than to constantly battle over it.
*deep breath*
Thanks for listening, I'm looking for a counselor as we speak.
Two Mommies Healing Hearts
Controlling? Ordered to attend anger management in the past? Refuses counselling? Get out of there.Run, don't walk.
I'm not concerned for my safety and she cares for my daughter all day long and my daughter hasn't complained...recently.
I don't remember if it was in the fall or at the beginning of the year but my daughter told me a few times that DW had hit her. I brought it up to DW (not my wife at that time) and she said it never happened, that my daughter was lying. She made my daughter stand in front of both of us and say whether or not DW hit her. I didn't think that was fair, what kid would admit that in front of the person that had hit them??? I never got a clear answer on what happened but my gut told me things weren't good (stupid me for ignorning it).
My daughter has changed so much since DW and I have been together... Before DW she was bright, smiled all the time, talked to me all the time, was open with me about her feelings, all the "normal" kid behavior. Now she doesn't talk much, especially when DW is around, she is always afraid of getting into trouble so she never does anything, she asks to use the bathroom instead of just going...
My daughter is repressed just as much, if not more, than I am.
So, yes, to be short, it has been a concern.
Two Mommies Healing Hearts
Please excuse the fly-by to your board, I was wandering around The Nest tonight and came across your post.
I feel so horrible for you, and I think that your situation goes WAY beyond what counseling can do at this point. I do not see this as a healthy or safe situation for you or your daughter.
First and foremost, you have reason to believe that she physically abused your DAUGHTER!!! It's no wonder your daughter has stopped being herself, her step-mother has hit her, her mother doesn't believe her, and she is being controlled just like you are. At the same time, she is trying to grow up and figure out who she is, and she probably doesn't have her mother 100% there because she no longer trusts to open up to you since you didn't believe the abuse.
Second, these are MAJOR red flags, not just something going to a counselor can fix, even if she did go. For a contoller/abuser to change, first they have to want to, and second, it can take years. You're with someone who doesn't think she has a problem and refuses help.
Think of it this way, fast forward 15 years. Your daughter comes to you describing your post, only it's her and her SO. What would you tell her?
You need to get yourself to counseling, you need to get your daughter into counseling, and you need some family session with the 2 of you (you and your daughter) to start rebuilding trust. You need to take control of your finances if you share them at all with your wife, and you need to start planning your exit.
This is all coming from someone who grew up with a MAJORLY controlling and abusing stepfather. He absolutely ruined my childhood, I have no fond memories of growing up. Please don't allow this to happen to your daughter. It is your job to protect her.
Good luck, I wish you all the best!
Because if anything will stop abusive, controlling behavior, it's extra hugs and kisses.
Your poor daughter. She deserves better than an abusive SM and a mom who doesn't care that she's being abused. Oh, you say you care that she's being abused -- if she's not the fithy little liar your wife insists she is -- but you're making no move to put your daughter's safety first. That's what she sees -- a mother who doesn't care about her. And you wonder why she's not happy-go-lucky anymore.
After reading all your posts and the responses... Just, wow. I really do not see how this relationship is going to work out. Your DW has major anger AND control issues AND she refuses to get help. Its like an alcoholic that refuses help - there is only so much you can do before you absolutely have to realize that you need to have some sense of self-preservation. And if its not enough to do it for yourself, please wake up and see what its doing to your daughter.
I can't imagine how your DW is going to flip out when you tell her you're going to counseling for and by yourself. I bet she'll want to go, but only to undermine your efforts and tell you that the counselor doesn't really know your situation, and she'll try to get you to quit.
Regardless of everything else that is going on, please go to counseling, do not let her manipulate you out of healing. You may also want to find out if there's a particular reason that led you to be in an abusive relationship to begin with and deal with those issues so you don't run into this problem again.
I can't believe someone gave you advice to "be more loving toward her." Really?! As if it were your fault your DW was being a controlling biotch. Yes indeed. Be more loving toward her and that'll make her stop being abusive. Not likely.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. There is something seriously wrong with your DW. Because honey if it looks like abuse, talks like abuse, and smells like abuse....its abuse!
Get thee out of this situation ASAP. Your poor daughter is already reaping the negative consequences of this relationship. If you won't leave for yourself, please leave for your daughter who deserves to be bright and outgoing (and who deserves to have a relationship with her father if she wants to).
Finally, you deserve to be with someone who loves you. I hate to be cliche, but love is patient, love is kind, love trusts. Love doesn't count the seconds between when you walk in the door and when you kiss her cheek. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. Consider tough love. I want you to find a DW who is a dear, not a heifer!
WOW! I didn't post this to hear people come down on myself or my wife. I posted this to get another perspective, to possibly see another path to healing my marriage.
I, unlike a lot of people, care about being with one person for the rest of my life. I will not, on the other hand, put my daughter in harms way to stay in a marriage.
In regards to my daughter... She's told me her father has hit her with a shoe when she wasn't even with him, she's told my wife that I've pulled her hair to get her out of bed when I haven't. I've never not believed my daughter when she told me my DW hit her, I reacted instantly and took action in the way I thought was best.
If you don't want to share your concerns in an adult manner or give advice that isn't unkind than please don't reply at all. I'm looking for help, not unnecessarily rude comments.
Two Mommies Healing Hearts
Oh, well in THAT case...
::pats BG on head::
There there! Everything will work out just fine!
Who has the rainbow unicorn farts?? (I can't find my stash)
They're not being unkind, they simply are giving it to you straight and not sugar-coating the facts. There are clear signs that there is a major issue in your relationship. Look through the "snark" and "criticism" and find the advice. They are only trying to help and are concerned. I am sure if you were in our shoes you would feel the same way. Good luck but it sounds like your DW is an abuser (emotional and possibly physical).
You posted examples of major control and abuse, how did you not expect people to come down on your wife?
And were you not given another perspective? That your relationship is abusive and controlling.
At the expense of being repressed (your word) and controlled your whole life? That is no way to live. I believe in being with one person my whole life also...the RIGHT person. Not someone who is going to control my every move and count the seconds before I kiss him on the cheek.
I believe that you believe this, but I don't believe that it is reality. My mother didn't think she would ever do that either. I got 14 years of abuse instead.
And why didn't you mention in your OP? Because you believed that the situation you DID mention was important. Important enough to cause concern (again, your word.)
I don't think anybody was rude...I think there was genuine concern for you. I just don't think you want to hear "You're married to an abuser" from strangers. Ok, fine, but at least take what was said to you and think hard about it, even if you don't want to respond about it. Reread what you wrote about your daughter, and tell us why you think that is "ok".
And then in your backpedaling followup post...
Which is it? Either your daughter is a lying liar who does nothing but lies or she isn't. She can't be both. And how exactly did you take action? By sitting there and not defending your daughter for fear of upsetting your wife?
In any event, she deserves to live in a house with a parent who puts her well-being ahead of their own twisted need to be controlled and (eventually) abused. Maybe her dad can be that parent because it's clearly not something you're interested in doing for her.
I agree with all of this, but especially about the parts in bold. I married an alcoholic, and had a kid with him. I was naive and young and thought that our "family" would make him change, make him see that we needed to be more important than the alcohol was. I changed who *I* was to match who he wanted me to be. I didn't realize how unhappy I was with myself and my relationship until I kicked him out, because love is blind after all. I am living proof of that. Hell, I was with the man for 9 years, despite everyone around me telling me that he was no good for me, but I loved him, so I stayed.
And once I had my DD, I stayed because I didn't want to break up our family. I kept thinking things would get better, the baby would get older and more active and that would make him see that she was more important that the alcohol. Boy was I wrong. See the thing is, he didn't WANT to change, so he didn't. Me wanting him to change, me kicking him out and telling him he can't come back until he quits drinking weren't enough to make him change. His exact words to me were "You have to want to quit drinking, and I don't want to quit."
I certainly did not get married with the thought that I would get divorced. I had every intention of spending the rest of my life with that man. But then I thought about the example I was setting for my daughter. Even though she was young, I was showing her that having someone treat me the way he did, and drink the way he did was ok.
It's not ok. The way she is treating you, based on what you described, is not ok. No one should have to make the kinds of changes you made for her. I didn't realize how much I had changed and how unhappy I was until I was alone. And you know what? I was a million times happier when I got out of that relationship then I ever was.
The point is that you need to put your DAUGHTER first. Yes, you need to think about yourself as well, but it's not just about you anymore. Every decision you make affects your daughter, maybe not directly, but it does affect her. I don't know how old she is, but kids are smart, they see and understand more than you will ever know.
I really encourage you to see a counselor individually. Even if your DW doesn't want to go with you, you need to go for yourself. And if you do go, I think you need to ask their opinion on getting your daughter into counseling as well.
Good luck to you! I hope you can work things out with her, I really do, but I also hope that you will put your daughter and yourself first when making that decision.
Missed M/C 11/5/2010 @ 5 weeks, 3 days* D&C 12/3/2010 at 9 weeks, 3 days
I was the poster that told you to get away - run, don't walk. I did not say this to be rude, unkind or to come down on you. I said it because after reading your posts I was (and am) genuinely concerned about your long-term physical and mental health, and that of your daughter.
Being committed to having a sustained relationship with one person is a good thing, but that does not mean letting someone walk all over you.
I am concerned about your well-being and your daughter's. Your DW has some sort of history of abuse if she has been ordered to take anger management classes as you say. You need advice from a professional counsellor or social worker WITHOUT your DW even necessarily knowing about it. She will let you know if the other posters are right and you need an exit strategy.
If you want anything further you can e-mail me at patrick401ca@yahoo.ca.