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Had a lengthy conversation with my sister last night (long)
I spent less time crying this time around. She admitted that she waited so long to tell me because she knew I was going to freak out. I am fairly certain she would have waited longer but since I was flying out Monday she felt like she had to say something (or maybe her Mom prodded her). Her email just said, "Surprise! You're going to be aunt! :P" and included two sonogram pictures. I am not kidding.
Okay, so more on this convo from last night. She has no real job (works at a coffee place) so she is completely dependent on state aid at this point. We talked WIC, food stamps, etc. Thankfully, the state seems to be providing decent health care for her and she is well taken care of in that respect. This guy that is the baby daddy is apparently going to be in the picture but not sure how he will manage since his job is not much better. They are not living together and currently have no plans to marry. Their relationship sounds strained and I am not even going to try to imagine what happens when a baby is added into the picture. (P.S. Any resources you mommies and PG gals can suggest would be wonderful. In general and on topics like BF'ing, CD'ing, etc.)
So, I am left know with feelings of despair for my sister's well-being. A couple of years ago my father cut her off with tuition after her sophomore year. She was working FT but couldn't make it happen to pay for her bills and tuition so she dropped out. I was very concerned that she wasn't going to finish her degree. DH and I were *this* close to paying for her tuition. I now really wish I had. At this point, with a baby on the way, I am very concerned that she won't be finishing and will have limited ways to earn a living and challenge herself. My hopes for her being an independent, young woman seem to slipping away.
Meanwhile, my father (who really should get the award for not knowing how to step up to the plate time after time in the dad department) is apparently blissfully excited over this news. He has been wanting to be a grandfather and can't seem to set aside his selfish wants to lend concern to her situation. It seems so unfair to me that he would not be supportive with my sister's education but somehow muster up something for when she gets pregnant like this. Lord knows how this is all going to play out.
I decided last night that it would be totally stressful for me to see my dad right now and canceled our Pacific NW trip. In the 10 or so years that DH and I have been together, my dad has met him two or three times one of which was at our wedding. DH not surprisingly has very little respect for him. Add in this recent chain of events and I know that it would be an even less enjoyable trip for the H. This is supposed to be our vacation time together (celebrating 3 years of marriage nonetheless) and I don't want to build in stress and chaos right from the get go. Now I just have to think of how I tell my dad that we aren't coming, three days before we are supposed to arrive.
Re: Had a lengthy conversation with my sister last night (long)
I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this. I've definitely been 'sort of' in your shoes before. My own younger sister got 'opps' pregnant when she was 20. She never went to college. At the time she was living with the guy who already had an young kid with from another relationship. When she first told me - I was absolutely horrified and upset and completely disappointed. I always felt like my sister had such promise and could have been more driven, but she hung out with sleezy, trashy friends. And of course my parents were completely oblivious to her bad choices. 3yrs later she married the guy (who I never really liked but is always nice to me and is a good dad) and they are expecting again. The own a house and have somewhat stable (albeit probaly low paying) jobs.
It honestly took me a long time to be ok with the situation, I felt bad for my nephew because I was never thrilled about it. I don't know if this helps, but I think it was a good decision to give your dad and family space. Try to give your sister the best advice and be as supportive as you can. And definitely go do something special with just you and DH to celebrate your three years.
I'm sorry, I know it really sucks.
i'm so sorry amy
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i'd feel exactly the same way you do if it were my sister. and i think i'd be even more upset with your dad but as you've said, that seems to be how he operates.?
i definitely thinks it's for the best that you've decided to cancel your trip. you don't want to be stressed and dealing with family drama on your anniversary. i hope you & dan get to celebrate properly.?
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HUGS! It sounds like your sister loves you and really wants your love and approval in return! I'm sure not telling you about her pregnancy has been agony for her! But again, remember that it's her road to travel, not yours, that might help you keep perspective (as much as your fears for her life sadden you!). As for your dad, I suppose as at this point the Horse has already left the barn, it's not such a bad thing that he's excited for the new arrival. If enthusiasm is all your sister can count on from him, at least that's something. (Can he babysit at night and she might be able to take a class here and there?) Or finish her degree online? People do it!!
Note-if she's got two years of college under her belt, can she work as a substitute teacher? She should be somewhat employable.
Help where you can, but protect yourself emotionally-you don't need to ride everyone else's rollercoaster!!
Best wishes and Happy Anniversary-spoil yourselves!
Some great mommy resources:
Breastfeeding:
kellymom.com: really it is the best source on the web for breastfeeding info of all kinds-lots of problem solving. However, beware the online community there, lots of lactation nazi's!!
Babyfood:
wholesomebabyfood.com: GREAT website for recipes and appropriate ages for introducing new food. By making your own baby food, you can save a LOT of money!! And it's as easy as throwing a bag of frozen peas in the blender! (and freezing it in ice cube trays)
Baby Bargains (a book) THE most comprehensive resource for comparing brands of baby gear and identifying the "right" thing to buy for your budget-- also includes tips on what is OK to buy secondhand!
Craigslist: Great resource for finding great secondhand baby gear.
Also, post a sketch of the situation on the Parenting page of "The Bump" and you'll get lots of other suggestions as well (also consider the 0-6 months or 6-12 month pages for cloth diapering websites, etc.)
Bubblegum Explosion