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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Can you forgive someone who's not sorry?
Can you?
Part of me thinks yes, you should be able to, since forgiveness is really about allowing yourself to be at peace with the situation.
But then I think how can you forgive them, when they're not sorry, or (what I think is worse) when they don't even realize they've done something wrong. Even when it's explained to them, how wrong and hurtful it was.
So then what, if you can't forgive them, how do you deal with them being in your life?
*sigh* these are are too deep of thoughts for a night when I can not have any wine...
Re: Can you forgive someone who's not sorry?
I don't think it is easy to do, but it is definitely possible. I think it takes alot of introspective work to be able to truly forgive someone else, even though they may not be sorry. You are right when you say forgiveness is about you and not the other person.
If you can't forgive them, that is when the big decision making comes into place. Do your limit your contact with them? Do you make a choice to cut them out of your life?
I'm not sure that there would ever be any black and white answers to that.
Maybe you cannot forgive, but forget? Like if you WANT to forgive them, maybe time will heal all wounds, keep them in your life and hope that some day it is OK again? I'm sorry.
It would be hard to get past forgiving someone who is not sorry, who doesn't realize what they did was wrong. It would make me question why they don't care that they hurt me. Why they aren't sorry. For me it would totally depend on the situation. In time I would be able to forget about it and move on but most likely if it is a major issue that means moving on without them in my life.
Again, for me it all comes down to what the situation is and what they did that hurt me.
It's a tough scenario. I think it all depends on the severity of the wrong. What bothers me is if you've told them what was wrong/hurtful about their actions, and they don't see it. I've been there, and it's hard (hiiii MIL issues much?! LOL)
I think Andrea's right. You might not necessarily forgive, but you try to forget. It's like that time I cut that one childhood friend out of my life (mind you she weasled back in - so I keep her at arms length). I had "forgotten" many of the sh*tty things she did, but never truly forgave her, and they all piled up on each other.
Is it something easily put behind you? Or is it big?
I struggle with that as well. And I've in no way come to a conclusion but I was sexually abused by a cousin (who abused several others in our family) when I was younger. Not just once or twice either. He was a juvenile and so after a short stint in juvy was released. He said "sorry" but really I have not even a shred of belief that he understands the trauma he scarred me with and nor do I believe he has ever been sorry. Maybe just sorry that he was "caught". He tries to be buddy buddy with me at family gatherings which he still comes to and pretends that he's totally normal and nothing has ever happened.
Anyways enough about that... Can I forgive him for this? Maybe if I never had to see him again. But then would it really be forgiven. I try to forget about it but it has forever impacted my life.
As for explaining anything to him. One cousin recently said something totally innocent to a member in their small town and somehow it got back to him and his mom called my aunt (the mom of the cousin who said this innocent comment) and my aunt could hear my cousin (the offender) screaming about coming to hurt them in the background. So, long and short, we won't be going there.
Wow, Shannon it sounds like you're really struggling with something here. I'm sorry you're going through this!
As for forgiveness, I have asked myself this very same question with 2 main people in my life but the situations are unrelated. Neither person is in my life because I am not the kind of person that can be wronged and still manage to have a relationship with the individual. Right or wrong, that's just how I am. Still though, even if they aren't part of my daily life, they are still part of my regular thoughts and what happened still upsets me. One of the people, I think I haven't necessarily forgiven but time and distance has kind of numbed me to what happened. I strive to forgive this person, not for him, but for myself. I don't want to carry around anger and resentment.
The other person, I don't know if I can ever forgive. I feel like in this situation, forgiving them would make what they did okay - and it's not and never will be. It may be because this sitaution is still very recent and fresh and I hope that one day I can forgive, but right now I'm still too angry.
All that being said though, if I do forgive it will be do give myself freedom and they will still not have any role in my life.
I know my answers probably don't help but hopefully you can see it's something probably everyone struggles with.
I'm so sorry you experienced this. Thank you for sharing it with us.You must be a very strong person to be able to still see this person and have him in your life, even minimally.
I think you can only forgive them if you can accept that what they've done is part of who they are and will do it again. Otherwise you will never have peace because if they aren't sorry they won't make any effort to change. And the only way you can probably deal with having them in your life if you can't forgive is therapy, you need someone to help you find coping mechanisms that work for you because otherwise I see it as being very damaging to your mental and emotional health.
This is a tough one. Like others have said, I guess it really depends on the situation to determine whether it's something you can forgive & forget. I truly don't think one can forget anything that has affected them no matter how small or big the issue at hand is. I personally think it's much easier to forgive than to forget.
Sometimes, there are people that just don't "get it" and although explained to them what it is that they did wrong, they just don't see why it's wrong. So, I think in this instance I would just forgive them for being so ignorant and narrow minded and try to let time heal all wounds.
Eventually you may even forget about the situation and what happened. If this person still needs to be in your life in one way or another, I think maintaining a distance will help in getting past the situation.
Sorry you're going through this
I like these conversations. Deep thoughts are good. I'm sorry rosesforme about the abuse. That's horrible and you're definitely a strong person to be able to share with us.
Regarding forgiving, it's all relative isn't it? I try not to let things that happen in the past get to me too much since I only exist in the present. I'm still here and ok so nothing from before can harm me. But I haven't had anyone hurt or damage me in a life altering way, so maybe I just can't comment on it with true knowledge. However, I can only control myself and my actions and reactions. Anything outside of that is out of my control. So whether the offender believes they are harmful or not, is not something I can control. They are who they are, have done what they've done and it is up to them to reflect on that.
It takes a lot of energy to hold onto anger or resentment and I just don't feel I want to use that on negativity. I agree with PP..it's good to let things go just for your own sanity.
On my way to work, so I don't have time to read all the responses...
But yes, we can indeed forgive someone who is not sorry.
Forgiveness actually has everything to do with us and very little with the person who wronged us. It's a choice we make in our wills. Is it easy? In really horrible situations, NO -- of course not. But that's where a belief in God is very helpful. God helps us do things we cannot do on our own.
The best illustration I heard about this is this:
Unforgivness is like being in a boat holding a fishing rod with a huge, heavy, miserable fish on the end. That fish is weighing you down something fierce.
When you make the choice to forgive, it's like cutting the line. You are no longer burdened.
But? That person is still on the hook with God.
So as you go about your life and have to see the person who wronged you, with time you will feel better. Knowing you've done the right thing for *yourself*.
Do you need to 'feel' like forgiving? No. Like I said. It's a choice. And that choice does lead to better feelings. Not always instantly, but they come. That heaviness on your shoulders lifts. Sometimes very gradually. Then it's virtually gone. It's not saying what the other person did was ok, it just says that you're giving yourself the freedom to be ok again.
But with this said, I don't think we ever forget really 'big stuff'. The wounds may be fully healed. But scars will always remain.
I hope you find peace.
I tend to agree to pp's but will still say my thoughts...
I think forgiveness is a truly personal choice especially in a situation where the person doesn't realize that they are wrong/that they have hurt you. In my situation it was about a friend who really didn't see that there were two sides to the friendship and for years took advantage that I would always be there and do anything for her/our friendship. I finally faced up to the reality of our very one sided relationship, attempted to talk it through (that failed) and then decided that I had to move forward. So I forgave her faults, but in order to really feel the relief and satisfaction of the forgiveness, I had to walk away from the friendship as I knew it was something that would continue happening if I stayed around.
Forgiveness is such an internal thing I think, when you forgive and decide to move forward from the experience it shouldn't matter where the other person is in their process of the situation. It's living in the present (as Megan said) that is important and not looking back. I believe if you truly forgive someone you should be able to not think of them with contempt and be able hear their names and keep good memories without feeling all that hurt all over again - that's (IMO) the hardest part.
Thanks for all the comments and stories ladies. It was very interesting to read. This is a subject I've actually thought a lot about over the years and haven't really come up with an answer I'm comfortable with. Mostly b/c the behaviour I'm thinking of isn't one time, but is repetitive and keeps happening, so it's hard to forgive/forget something that keeps happening.
There's no major drama going on right now - although thanks to everyone for their concern.
I just got to thinking about the subject again, as this person hurt someone close to me recently. And although I'm fairly at peace with my feelings re: this person, it hurtful behaviour towards someone else you care about. Know what I mean?
Krista, so sorry to hear about your experience, what an awful thing to have to deal with
. Sorry also hear that there are so many of us dealing with hurtful people in our lives. Anyway, I really do appreciate all the comments and stories ladies, it was interesting to read.