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Sad Day VENT **LONG**
I know I mostly only lurk...but when I can't vent "in real life" this is usually where I go...
Besides most of you ladies have been here for the begining, the middle, and the end....
I have gone almost a whole year separated from stbx, but it seems the memories that are the heaviest and most prominent are the weeks leading up to the end.
It feels fresh.
But I am not scared, I am not determined, I am sad. Today just sad. Sad for me, and for him and for our son. And for everyone else whos lives were changed or complicated.
Then, I was so focused on leaving. I was so focused on hating him for everything he did. Hate can be a positive emotion; when it forces you to better yourself. He built me, constructed my desire, perfected my hatred. and then I was driven to be ten times better then he thought he was.
It worked hating him, made it easy. He was my inspiration for all the ways I would never choose to be. It was done, and I was not going to throw him a rope, not this time, unless it was going around his neck. It's what I needed to do. How I needed to feel. Because sometimes. Sometimes when you're shivering so much you can't remember what it was like not to feel, near frozen, you will take whatever warmth comes your way. And I could not go back.
By then the pain it took to stay became greater than the pain it took to leave. There were times when he caught me, but there were more times he let me fall and it came time for me to learn that I could pick my self up off the groud, and walk away.
But now I feel like I lost something.
But I can still see the shock on his face when I told him. The panic. The regret. I remember clearly, then the anger, but first, real emotion. a glimmer of everything he once was. And in that moment I felt eventhing crashing around me. I wanted to take the knot out of my stomach and wrap it around his neck, and in that moment, I was sorry for running away from him, sorry for never being enough.
I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can never be fixed, and this is something that no one ever tells you, and its just increadibly sad, that he can't see it. He did not love me, but he needed me to love him. And he will never know what he did. He probably won't remeber half the things that I'll never forget.
He always disappointed me. It was like our inside joke, except...it's not funny. And the apologies, and everything I knew was nothing but lies, but they sounded so sincere, I always found them to hard to hate.
It's amazing, really, just how much pain the human heart can take.
As I have moved on through this year, I have learned that talking about it, telling people doesn't necessarily purge, telling is sometimes merely reliving, and it is torment. Depending on what part you remember.
I feel like sometimes, nobody has ever held me down and forced me to cry or made me hug them, or got to the inside of me. It's like I say, "oh I'm fine" and walk away, and nobody has ever said "no, your not" or atleast given me permission not to be.
I know I did the right thing. I might be stumbling a little on my way out, but I am walking away...I am moving on.
I am not broken, only slightly damaged. I am bitter, and I am hurt, and I am ready to move on from this. The process is slow, and agonizing.
I am just tried of feeling happy, and relieved. And all these things I am supposed to feel.
When someone you've promised to cherish forever says "I never loved you" it is not a relief. It is heatbreaking. And you have to wake up day after day after that trying to understand how in the world you didn't know.
And I just want it to be okay to be sad. Even if he was bad, even if this is for the best. I just want to be sad anyways.
Re: Sad Day VENT **LONG**
((((HUGS)))))
It is okay to be sad. It's a stage of grief, and ideal or not you are grieving - if not for what you lost - then for what could have been. The hopes and dreams you had on your wedding day that were never realized. It's a sad place to land.
If you need anything just say the word. I'll be sad with you if you need.((((HUGS))))
My heart ached as I read this. It is so similar to the story of a close friend of mine...who 6 years later is still trying to come to terms with how and who she has no changed into as a result of holding onto some of those feelings you've described. She lacks your insight.
You must realize that people often say things to us not b/c they are true, but b/c they are lasting, damaging, moreso than a fist could ever be. I don't think he *never* loved you, but he certainly lacked the capacity for the kind of love you needed and deserved.
In the end, you have grown and learned from this experience and from the past year. It's made you a better person, a better mom, and a better partner. We all have our moments of weakness...but never for one moment think that those moments define us! You are an incredibly strong and resilient person...I wish I had your courage.
I'm sorry
It's okay to be sad! You shouldn't have to be in this situation.
I know there is nothing I can say that will wipe the sadness away, but I want you to know I admire you SO SO SO much. I am amazed at your strength. You did something a lot of women never bring themselves to do, and they live in misery. You deserve happiness, and I truly believe you will get that tenfold. You will. Because you made the right decision.
**MASSIVE HUGS**
Thank you ladies.
Thank you
I'm sorry it hurts so much.
I think it's okay to be sad. And unfortunately I don't think that it will ever go away, at least not completely. I think the sadness will become less prominent as other things fill your life, but right now this is still such a huge part of your life that it makes total sense to be sad.
I say bust out a bottle of wine and put on some sappy music and cry your eyes out. Your head may hurt like hell afterwards, and you might still emotionally feel like crap, but sometimes just acknowledging that things suck (which I think you are already doing with the writing above) helps relieve some of the stress.
Come vent anytime, we miss you around here
I'm sorry you are going through this, but your courage and strength will surpass the sadness you are feeling right now. It's okay to be sad, and I think being sad right now will help with your closure. It's only a part of the healing process, and that is what you are doing now....healing from relationship that brought you hardship.
Feel free to vent away, you know there will always be someone on here to help and lean on!
BIG HUGS!!!
First, I am sending big hugs your way!
I don't know a lot of your story but your strength as a woman and a mother come shining trhough so many of your posts.
I am so sorry that you are feeling so sad right now. Like Triple777 said, sometimes you just have to awknowledge it. When you are ready, you let that sadness motivate you to make the changes you need and want to make. I always believe that things will get better and always tell myself that things have to get better because I will not let myself be dragged down, held down or defeated by whatever it is. That always helps to move from sadness to action.
(hugs). ?It's okay to be sad too. ?I can't imagine the strength and character it takes to get yourself through a year like you've had (I imagine quite a bit).
Take some time to cry it out, wallow in some self pity, drink a bottle of gin, be sloppy a little bit, because it's okay to mourn your relationship/lost hopes. ?You've made it this far, and will no doubt continue improving and opening yourself up to positive new aspects of your life.
?
Huge Hugs
It's totally OK to be sad, you need to grieve this - it's still a loss. I agree with triple777, let it out, drink a bottle of your favourite drink and just acknowledge that this sucked and hurt and then you can wake up on the other side. And it will still hurt, but maybe a little less.
You have no idea how your story has influenced so many other women and I know the women on this board admire your strength and perseverance. You are an amazing mother to B and I'm sure even in your saddest moments, he will help you smile.
You are going to go up from here and we will be there to help you get there.
Thank you ladies!
I am feeling better today.