May 2009 Weddings
Sarah05102009
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
"I was a mail-order bride"
So what do you think?
http://www.lemondrop.com/2009/08/12/i-was-a-mail-order-bride/
Re: "I was a mail-order bride"
DH's mom is Filipino and has a lot of female Filipino friends (say that 5 times fast). I would say that probably half of those ladies are mail-order brides. MIL talks about how those couples are very wary about being seen in public because of vast age differences and what people think/say.
This story is obviously different because this woman utilized the situation for her best interest. I think, though, that this is probably the minority of mail-order brides out there, unfortunately.
Just to make sure it is clear...MIL is not a mail-order bride. But, they did meet while FIL was in the Air Force and stationed in the Phillipines...
I think she sounds like a very happily married woman. Having been around the immigration block and talked to people in every situation you can imagine, I've heard horror stories of mail order brides...but no more than more "traditional" marriage based immigrants (probably less as a matter of fact) and I've certainly heard a smaller percentage of mail order relationship horrors than regular old boy-meets-girl horror stories.
I have no problems with mail order relationships, both parties go into it knowing what they want. It's really no different than match.com or eharmony. People create accounts for the purpose of finding a long term relationship. I don't necessarily agree with all of the reasons that women become mail order brides...but I also absolutely disagree with the reason that a lot of American women become a wife. I think that as modern, American women we can't possibly comprehend what these women are facing in their lifetime.
Historically it was common for American women to become mail order brides, when a woman could be nothing without a husband. And it's still somewhat common for parents to arrange their child's marriage, even in the US. We just don't talk about it or have a term for it because "our culture doesn't do THAT! OMGWTFBBQ!!!"
Also...the dangers of mail order brides for both parties have been significantly reduced since the US government enacted IMBRA which, among other things, requires all marriage brokering companies to perform full background checks on anyone seeking their services.
I think the woman in the article and her husband definitely approached it the right way. Obviously there can be some dangers in the process, or one or both parties can be in it for the wrong reasons, but to me, it's almost like internet date sites, which is considered perfectly acceptable in society.
I also agree with this that she said: " I believe that it's not so much how you get married but what you make of your marriage that matters."
Here's the article from its original source, Glamour magazine, where I read it two months ago. (Yes, I subscribe.) http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/2009/06/yes-this-woman-is-a-mail-order-bride
Unfortunately, the online version doesn't include the side column from the magazine, basically explaining that Lera's story is highly atypical and how most of these arrangements are much less successful and can include abuse and other legal problems. Context is everything.
I posted the original article here for the comments. I find it highly interesting that several posters claim the same Soviet/Ukrainian background as Lera and debunk some pertinent details of her story. Kind of takes away from her overall credibility and theme of "what I did for love".
Also, sorry, but comparing marriage brokers to online dating sites like Match is crap. With the foreign marriage brokers, it's understood that the man will pay to bring the (typically poorer) woman to his country and provide for her, at least initially. Can you imagine contacting someone through Eharmony or Jdate and expecting him to be your financial savior and sugar daddy? See how well that flies! Bad comparison, doesn't stand.
TTC #1 since January 2013
Match and eharmony were somewhat bad examples. However, I still think the full financial support as the basis of a relationship happens very often between two US citizens. Sugar daddies...trophy wives...etc. There are even dating sites out there dedicated to finding that type of relationship.
I know there is abuse in these types of relationships, but I think it's less common than most think because we normally only hear about them if they are bad. Women who come here like that, and are perfectly comfortable and happy don't speak out about it because they're sure to be judged for their choice. And, unfortunately, we know there are many abusive "traditional" marriages.
Im not saying I agree with it, but as long as both parties are clear about the facts of their relationship and are consenting adults and there's no abuse or other illegal activity...who am I to judge how they met?
Historically marriage was not about love, it was a business arrangement, usually arranged by both spouses families. The more our culture makes it about love and choice...the higher our divorce rate goes. I'm no making any sweeping commentary about what marriage is or should be...I'm just a history geek and I'm making an observation.
Also...I'm sorry about any ugly formatting. My phone is iffy about posting on the nest...in fact this one was so ugly that I logged in from the computer (a big no-no and I might get in trouble...but Tuesday is my last day at this job so what're they going to do...fire me?)
NERD!!! Geez, Andrea, such a history geek should make old style costumes and meet up with other history geeks and act like they're in another era and ... wait. Hmm.
There are definitely personals sites out there with their own crazy slant. Ashley Madison, for one, and I'm sure there are several geared towards rich guys and trophy wives. I'm sure the sugar daddy (and mama, equal treatment) market is well covered on the intertubes. But those still lack that extra little ingredient of "I wanna be an American, get me out of here... on your dime!" Which was clearly a prime motivator for Lera. The fact that she and hubby have a happy marriage is a nice end result, and great for them, but I still don't buy that she logged on just to find love.
TTC #1 since January 2013
Thanks for posting the other article - the whole time I was reading the original article, I was thinking that her account was a little too perfect and irl, the situation probably plays out very differently.
I have to admit, something about the whole situation just makes me think twice. It just doesn't seem like a lot of the women that come over are heading into healthy relationships. The women would have few, if any, contacts in the US. While it's okay if one spouse earns more money than the other, it seems like it could cause power issues when one is the sugar daddy or vice versa.
I guess I have the same view of it as I do prostitution. Even though I think it is degrading, I would almost like to see prostitution legal. That way, the women can be protected by laws and the whole situation would become a whole lot more transparent and safe. I guess I see this the same way - it is far better for this to happen through legitimate companies - as long as they keep their actions open and keep tabs on the women. At least some of the potential abuse can be kept at bay.
I do just want to end on the note that I do not agree with this practice - I think it is taking advantage of women with few options. Sure, divorce rates have gone up, but I don't think I see that as a necessarily a bad thing. It's not like bad things weren't happening in the arranged and political marriages - it's more like people didn't have the power to end the relationship.
I am late commenting. Very interesting article and all points above are good. I think that many women are living in miserable situations around the world and that people in America don't have an idea or can not ever understand without living in their shoes or visiting the respective countries and seeing how many people really live outside of tourist areas. I am not saying it is right but when it comes to survival and life people make desperate choices. I can imagine how tempting it would be if I had no electricity, clean water, food or hope for the future in my country to marry someone that can make my standard of living better. I just don't know what I would do in these women's shoes because I am not one.
What do you think of foreign adoptions? Just curious? It is a similar situation. Children that are living in poverty and are unhappy...people pay money/broker adoptions in order to bring a child to live in the US so that they can have children and raise them here. There are people profiting usually in the home country from these adoptions and this also brings non-US citizens into the country and makes them citizens for the purpose of making a couple happy. The US has many children here that need homes but they may not fit exactly what that family is looking for. Is it okay for people to pay for children from other countries when so many children in America are in need? If so why can someone not pay for a relationship with someone from another country? Just interested in your thoughts.
You're seriously comparing adopting an orphan child to spouse hunting through a marriage broker???
I can't even dignify that with a lengthy response. That's just ridiculous.
TTC #1 since January 2013
I agree.
I am not talking about Orphans. Adoption brokers are a VERY controversial subject and are similar to Marriage brokers. These babies in many countries are taken from mothers or homes..Just do a search on adoption brokers on yahoo or google. Here is just one article: No articles are good about brokered adoptions. I don't understand how you don't see the similarity?? I hope this clarifies...If you don't understand my thought train it is okay.
Quate from http://www.adoption-articles.com/adoption_business.htm:
The Broker in Adoption
The broker may be an agency, social worker, lawyer, doctor, religious minister, or even an individual soliciting to obtain a child for her own use. Usually the broker benefits through fees or donations to the "charitable" work of finding babies for people to adopt. Infants "sell" for anywhere from $10,000 on up into the hundreds of thousands of dollars. Most brokers enjoy "angel" status in addition to the monetary benefits.
The Product for Adoption
The "product" that the adoption industry sells is human children and a promise of "real parenthood". Some customers also enjoy the status of "savior" that comes with adopting a child that seems to have been "abandoned" by her mother. The most in demand are healthy infants, especially white infants. Babies may be taken from family as a way of committing genocide on a population. Examples of this are the Aborigines in Australia, the Native Americans in the United States and Canada.
You claim to have studied law, and yet you still think it's a valid comparison? And question why we don't?
Here's one of the first things I, an attorney, learned in law school: children cannot enter into binding contracts, as they do not have the capacity for informed consent, and are therefore protected by laws designed to promote their best interests.
No, better - here's one of the first things I learned in life: children have very little (if any) say in things like who raises them and where they live.
Meanwhile, this article is about marriage through international agencies for adults. The women we were discussing, including the one featured in the Glamour article, are adults. Marriage is an institution FOR ADULTS, presumably consenting adults.
Next attempt, counselor?
TTC #1 since January 2013
Yes, I did study law in school and I did not go into the consent of children in my above post. I am comparing marrige brokers to adoption brokers. I understand this is an article on adults and that marrige is an institution for adults. I understand that children are protected by laws in AMERICA to promote their best interests. I do completely understand your points. Do you think that all mail order brides are going into these contracts consenting? I enjoyed the glamour article. It brought up memories of the discussion in class. Like I said you don't have to follow my train of thought. I found it interesting. I have family that works in adoptions/foster care. It is a sensitive subject to me because there are so many children in America without homes that need them. Esp. needy children. The article in my mind formed a connection not only from class discussion but also about those poor kids in foster care. I see mail order brides as attractive women that men buy. I see these poor children that are sold as attractive babies that couples buy when we have plenty of foster children that need homes. I was in no way trying to be snarky as you know I don't roll like that.
Going to bed
I am in Germany still so almost 11pm..uggh! Anyway, thanx for your points and article. I just can't write anymore today or tomorrow..blah.