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Update on my cousin (bad news)
I've kind of been keeping you all in the loop on the cousin with brain cancer, and I really need to let some emotions out, so please forgive me if this is a bummer post or if I ramble.
Since the last time I updated you all, he's gone downhill dramatically. Big time. I'm talking they pulled the feeding tube yesterday and signed a DNR. He's essentially a vegetable right now, the seizure activity in his brain is apparently constant. Thankfully, everything I've heard is that he's apparently not feeling any pain. I can't tell you what a blessing this was to hear.
Right now they are saying 1-2 weeks and I'm trying to figure out when to make the trek from VA to MA. I'd like to be there for his last days if I can, but made my peace with the situation during a July visit in case he happened to go (mercifully) quickly. After my visit in July, I know that once I'm up there for this last bit...I need to stay till his services are over with. I was a wreck traveling back home in July, emotionally I just can't do that again. I'm finishing up tying up loose ends at work right now. I hate bailing on projects, but I know I need to have the ability to just go...KWIM? Thing is that I don't know when to head up there. Right now its a waiting game up there...
As horrible as it may sound, at this point I'm just praying that he goes quickly and painlessly. A miracle would be nice, but reality is staring us in the face. If you could all keep him & the rest of the family in your T&P, I'd really appreciate it...especially his parents, brothers, kids, and fiancee. This will be, by far, the closest person to me that has ever passed (we have been inseperable my whole life, two peas in a pod, he's just 6 months older than me). My family is already a mess, we're close knit and will support each other, but oh man will it be intense. I won't even get into how many mutual friends/acquaintances will probably be there for the services...honestly I'll probably be too much of a mess to notice them.
Oh & please cross your fingers for me that DH can get leave for my cousins services. As many of you will remember, he's military. I'm worried that "wife's cousin" might not make the cut for getting him short notice leave. Without that leave, he can't come up.
Again, sorry for the downer post. I can't really let this out with my family as they are all dealing with their own grief. IRL friends are being wonderful, but they are working right now. So yeah, right now the debate is when to leave..keeping in mind that I used most of this years time off for the wedding/HM and that we are still going to be moving before years end. It feels like a balancing act...one in which I forsee unpaid time taken off work...there's a point where I know I'm just gonna say screw it and will just go.
BFP#2 2.5.11 (EDD 10.15.11) DS born 9.28.11 due to Pre-E
BFP#3 10.2.12 (EDD 6.12.13) MMC 11.24.12 @11.5w, had passed in 7th week
My Chart Recipe Blog
~All AL'ers welcome~
Re: Update on my cousin (bad news)
thoughts and prayers for you and your family
Is there anyone closer that can help you decide? Not his FI or parents but maybe your parents? I think just being straight forward and saying "I would love to be able to be up there for the next few weeks but can't - what do I do?" they would understand your situation and help make the best decision.
Thoughts & prayers are with you and your family at this difficult time.
Like pp said, can you talk to someone close to you and ask them what to do? If not, trust your gut and go there when you feel you need to be there.
Yes, the wife of one of his brothers. We were in touch yesterday and she's been awesome. I've asked her to let me know if things take a bad turn or if something comes up and I need to get up there. I've asked my mom and brother keep me in the loop too.
I just looked up what I have left for time off this year. 37 hrs are left, and that's counting a special "bereavement day" that my super can grant me (he's already said he will). I might be able to pull off this trip to MA on that, at least if I comp the missing 3 hours the following week...but then there is still the move this year and I'll probably need time off for that. Well, assuming I will have a job wherever we move to..
I'll comp time in the weeks before/after both events where I can...but I've never been used this much time off in a year, EVER.
Crap. As much as I just want to bail, I need to stay here as long as I can. I'd offer to take work with me...but realistically I won't do it up there.
BFP#2 2.5.11 (EDD 10.15.11) DS born 9.28.11 due to Pre-E
BFP#3 10.2.12 (EDD 6.12.13) MMC 11.24.12 @11.5w, had passed in 7th week
My Chart Recipe Blog
~All AL'ers welcome~
Henri and Charlotte, Christmas 2012
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I think if I were in the same situation I'd be willing to take a couple of unpaid days. I'm so sorry this is so hard, my heart goes out to you. And it doesn't sound bad that you want him to quickly slip into peacefulness - this is hard for everyone, including him.
I had a very close family friend (more like family) pass away last year of pancreatic cancer. 7 months after diagnosis, leaving her husband and 20 year old daughter behind. I was adamant on getting there before she passed away (she was in hospice). I didn't make it. the reason I'm sharing this is because in the end I'm very happy I didn't make it. This was one of the hardest funerals I ever had to go to, but I was glad my memories of her are of the person I knew and loved, not the horribley sick and emaciated being she was the week before she passed. In talking to my siblings they were very distraught seeing her during that time, especially since she wasn't herself. Just something to consider - that sometimes it better to miss those last few days, and say your goodbyes at the service (especially if the person isn't coherent).
Cruella, Thank you for saying that. Thank you for reminding me of WHY I went up in July. I'm feeling kind of selfish in not being there now and putting dealing with these final days on others, a part of me wants to take the burden off of those I mentioned (his mom especially)...but I also know that I'm the type that does best as you mentioned...saying my goodbyes in my own way and focusing on the good times and memories. Some of my other relatives are the opposite, they are feeling the need to flock there now last minute. I know that we both loved each other, there is no question of that. Period. I'm trying to prepare myself for the physical changes in him, I know it will be hard to see...
Thankfully, the visit I had in July was about the best possible situation I could have asked for (a day with him and his family at a lake we frequented as little kids...so incredibly fitting).
BFP#2 2.5.11 (EDD 10.15.11) DS born 9.28.11 due to Pre-E
BFP#3 10.2.12 (EDD 6.12.13) MMC 11.24.12 @11.5w, had passed in 7th week
My Chart Recipe Blog
~All AL'ers welcome~
If you do make it up there to see him, be prepared for this (as much as one can be). My last memories of my grandfather are him gasping for air, unable to talk, swallow, etc. not the man who took us for fried chicken and ice cream cones on Sat. nights. I still tear up every time I think of it and it's been 7 years.
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree with pp - I think it's great that you've kind of "made your peace" and saw him in July. I did something similar with one of my grandmas when she had lung cancer, and I think just knowing that I had seen her while she was still awake made me feel better.
My thoughts are with you and your family.