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WWYD? Friends new boyfriend...
My first thought is to do nothing, it's none of my business...
So, my girlfriend just started dating this guy. He's nice enough, but socially completly inept. It's one of those situations where she REALLY wants to be married. She's been really depressed about it before. i've tried to talk to her and let her know that it's better to be single than in a bad relationship of seattle for something less than what she deserves. But I think her desire for settling down has gotten the better of her. She's beautiful, sweet, smart and has everything going for her. For the life of me I can't figure out why she's single. I'd date her if i were a guy. But she keeps picking these guys that just aren't good enough for her. It's almost as if she's trying to convince herself that she likes him. I worry that she's going to miss other opportunities because she's wrapped up in this relationship.
I should just keep my mouth shut right?
Cerclage placed @ 21w6d due to CI (IC)
Re: WWYD? Friends new boyfriend...
I don't know, this is tricky.
On the one hand, I had an arse of a boyfriend for many years, and I knew all my friends hated him, but no one ever really sat me down and nurturingly laid it out for me. When it was over, I told my friends to please always be honest with me, because who knows... maybe if I had felt more confident about moving on and felt more support for finding someone better, I would have. I think as long as you aren't pushy about it, drop it when and if you need to, and respect her ultimate decision, it can't hurt to give your input. Especially if the relationship is somewhat new.
On the other, if a person has already made up their mind or committed to something, I don't really think it's worth going there. Maybe your friend has decided that her desire to be married outweighs her need to find the perfectly right guy? To each her own, right? DH and I have a friend whose spouse is just the WORST and he pretty much knows it too. We don't talk about it unless he brings it up, and even then, we just try to support the decision he made and those that he continues to make. Even if we disagree, and even if he could do SO much better...
You're a great friend to be thinking of her!!
Hmmm, my proper personality tells me it is not polite to speak about such matters.
KEEP QUIET
... however, it would be really nice for someone to give her some perspective...
SPEAK UP
... if you can save a friend from hardship down the road, you do everything you can to help her.
Will she appreciate your input? Would it make a difference? Would it strain your relationship with her?
Newlyweds since 2007
This is tough..
Has she asked you for your opinion about this guy at all? If/when she does, you should definitely tell her the truth about what you think. She definitely shouldn't be settling....
However, if she doesn't ask for your opinion, it's tricky. I understand that on one hand, you want to watch out for your friend. But in these types of situations, it could back fire. She might end up being mad at you for not being supportive or something... Is your friend the kind of person that would appreciate honest unsolicited feedback about a guy she is dating? The other thing is.. what is wrong with this guy? Is he mean to her? Cheating on her? Is he too controlling? Being a jerk to her friends? If he is, then definitely tell her. Otherwise, it might just be something she has to figure out on her own...
oy that's a toughie. i'm a nosy nelly so i'd prob say something in passing...not flat out but just enough.
the problem with people is that deep down they know but sometimes they aren't ready for whatever change is in their best interest. you can say something but ultimately she has to make that decision on her own.
what's that saying...you can bring a horse to water but can't make him drink...sort of the same concept.
you're a good friend!
She did ask me what I thought, but instead of answering her I asked, "Well, do you like him?" and then she went off on a tangent about how sweet he is. And I think he probably is a sweet guy and knows that she is SO far out of his league. You can tell he's into her far more than she's into him. I think she's with him because she's flattered. And I'm not begrudging her that, I've been there done the same exact thing and not realized it until after.
But you guys are right, I can bring it up gently, but be supportive of whatever she thinks is best.
And not for nothing (what on earth does that saying even mean?) but I am SO glad I'm not dating in the age of facebook. When you get a notification that So and So is "in a relationship with" So and So and then 2 months later get a notification that So and So "is now single". Oy Vey!
Cerclage placed @ 21w6d due to CI (IC)
I've seen 2 couple/FB friends "break up" on FB!! One day i saw the guys is "not in a relationship" and then the next day his gf (now ex) "is single". Ick! The guy is actually DH's friend but you know how guys never ask each other about that stuff. I don't think I would like to broadcast to the whole world when I've broken up with somebody. I have another "crazy" friend who started dating this guy so she changed her status to "in a relationship". A week after she changed her status, they broke up so she had to change her status again. Yikes!
If it were my friend and she was dating someone who was out of her league, but also nice to her and a sweet guy (especially after she'd had some bad relationships), I would probably ride it out. If she asked me what I thought, I'd tell her, but not in a "you could do sooo much better" sort of way. Just "He seems nice, but I wouldn't say he's Mr. Right.".
You never know - maybe they will have a positive effect on each other and the relationship will grow into something more than it is now. If that's what she seems to be waiting for, there's no harm in letting her wait (unless he is rude, abusive, controlling, etc.).
If it's already been a long time and it just isn't going anywhere... maybe it's time to have a heart-to-heart with her about what she wants from the relationship, and whether she's likely to get it. Sometimes just talking to a friend and saying things out loud helps a person gain perspective.
It's tough. Any time you talk to someone about their SO, there's always the danger that they'll be angry with you (whether you're right or not!).
Hi Kristen, I vaguely remember a conversation you and I had about this very same situation. We were on the phone talking about my situation with my friend. I have the very same situation with a g/f from back home. But she's the girl that wants your opinion but as soon as you give it, all hell breaks loose. My theory behind that is, THEN DON'T ASK ME. I know for some this can be very touchy, and in the past, I always was slow to the punch and never judged. However, I watched so much heartache occur with some of my girlfriends that I wish I would have spoke up before. But like some have said........most of us really have to see it for ourselves.
I think you probably know the reason why she is still single......its the same very reason why my girlfriend is single. Continuing to pick lousy men is holding them back from the right one. I think if she were to bring it up again, "so what do you think", I would ask her first if she's prepared for the answer. Is this guy just like a dork or does he have serious issues?
No kidding, thank GOD I am not engulfed in the world of Facebook dating. I'm even past the "text dating" as I call it. My single friends seem to only communicate via text with men their dating. Whatever happened to a nice phone call with a man? I'M SO OLD
It's funny that you bring this up, because I am dealing with the exact same situation with two of my friends.
One of the girls knows that I dislike her "boyfriend" (I put in quotes because they break up and get back together at least 5 times a month), so we just don't talk about him much when we are together.
The other is in a relationship where they live together, and it is very negatively affecting her. I just saw them at a wedding, and really got to see that bad side of her boyfriend. All of our friends did, and one by one we have been confronting her. When I spoke with her, I took the approach of concern and caring about her. I told her that the silly goofy person that I have always known her to be had vanished into a self-conscious, overly serious person. Without being too judgemental, I told her she needed to get herself back, and get rid of the negative influences. She took this as genuine concern, and understood. I also made sure not to write off her feelings about him, but asked if maybe she was projecting these feelings onto him because that's what she wanted everyone to see.
I think if you come from a concerned point of view, and let her know that you are just bringing it up because you love her and care about her, it might soften the blow behind the message.
Sorry this is so long, but I know exactly what you're feeling right now!
HTH
This is the approach I'd probably take too. If it looks like he's more into her than she is to him, I would bet that it will end, even if she does really want to get married. If they get engaged, extoll the virtues of a long engagement so she has time to come to her senses.
And I like the "He seems nice, but I wouldn't say he's Mr. Right" approach. That way you're not saying he's a bad guy - and he's not, as you've already said he's sweet. She might not appreciate it, but she won't hate you for it the way she would if you said, "Wow, what are you thinking of? Dump him!" (which I'm guessing she would, based on what you've said about her personality).