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horrible appointment yesterday - me and baby are healthy/safe though
and that is the important thing. I keep repeating that to myself.
I know everyone has their own view of homebirth, however that is what I wanted so the fact that it looks like there is no way I will be getting that has been really emotional for me. I didn't go to work yesterday because I was upset and crying all day.
I think I had mentally prepared myself for the possibility of being risked out for a health reason but there was no indication of that, so I hadn't really given it much thought.
Anyways, I went to my appointment yesterday and the midwife basically dumped me for non-medical reasons. All other homebirth midwifes in a 40+ mile radius are booked for the month of February. Two of them had really long phone conversations (one talked to me and one talked to my husband) and felt really bad and said they would really evaluate their schedules and think about taking me on - but it didn't sound promising.
Like I said, regardless of your feeling on homebirth, this is something that I was really looking forward to and something I really wanted, so to have it taken away has been really hard on me. I am also having conflicting feelings about the whole process in general, since this MW talked a big game about wanting to support the mother/family and really be all in tune and caring but then would basically turn me out with few options, but that was just one lady and she should ruin my view of the profession. I know there are horrible lawyers out there but I think me and MH are pretty great people...
But again, me and baby are healthy and safe (I think... I didn't really have a normal appointment yesterday) and that is what is MOST important.
Re: horrible appointment yesterday - me and baby are healthy/safe though
You're right, the health of the baby is the most important thing, and everything else will just have to be taken as it comes. I hope that another MW will be able to guide you! Either way, it sounds like the MW who dumped you(!) was probably not the right person for you. If anything, you can be happy knowing that her negative energy will not be involved with bringing your LO into the world!
Malia & Dave & Alexa
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Did she say why? I'm so confused about this...was it b/c you are a lawyer?
I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
Thanks everyone. I know this is for the best, because I wouldn't want someone like this at my birth anyways.
As for why... we are not really sure. She said some stuff about her feeling that my husband was not supportive and she didn't feel comfortable around him, but I really think it was just an out - for who knows what reason. The examples she used were odd - plus he only came to the initial consult and then for about 15 mins of one appointment. I didn't think his absence was odd - tons of husbands don't attend all appointments, who wants to watch me get a physical? He planned to be more present as things progressed. The MWs we talked to yesterday said that is pretty typical and they would never use that to form an opinion of a husband's involvement.
She comes highly recommended by my naturopath, and other people and prior to selecting her both MH and I called past clients (for all MWs we were considering) and everyone loved her. It is normal for a homebirth midwife to want to be a good fit but everyone I have talked to to since yesterday says that they usually spend a lot of time w/ the couple and really ask a lot of questions to determine if they can work through any issues, and she didn't try to do any of that so it really blind sided us. And if they have any concerns they usually bring them up right away. 15 weeks is a little long - especially since they all know the practices usually fill up by 12ish weeks and should want to give clients optimal time to make new arrangements.
She had obviously made up her mind before we got there so she clearly wasn't going to to bring up her concerns and let us work on them (but again, given the way things went down I really wouldn't want someone like that to care for me anyways). That right there frustrates me because if she truly had been loosing sleep over all this for weeks she should have let us know so we could have tried to make other plans and not be put in the position we are in right now where no other homebirth MWs are available.
It's funny you mention the lawyer connection because my ILs are certain this had something to do with it (FIL (one of many lawyers in their family) said he has been treated similarly by people in the health profession) and once he said that we did recall some strange comments she made. But who knows, I don't think we will ever really know the whole situation. I wouldn't want to be cared for by someone that was really scared by that anyways.
It is frustrated b/c we did everything right - I called all MWs immediately after the BFP and met with them right away. We thought we couldn't go wrong because the 3 we considered came highly recommended. I scoured the mothering.com boards, stepped out of my comfort zone and contacted friends of friends I had never met that had homebirths to get perspective, etc. etc. And now all of that was pretty much for nothing because I have no options now.
sorry that sucks! have you tried getting recs on the seattle baby board? (you're in wa right?)
my friend just had her baby on the 24th with a midwife, i'll see if i can get her info for you.
thanks! I lurked there a little, but everyone is in Seattle (or very close to it) and I live in Olympia. I expanded my search to Tacoma, but that would pretty much be my upper limit to travel.
I spent a lot of time on the mothering.com boards to find people a little more local to me. The same names come up over and over so I think I have pretty much exhausted all options. Also Washington is somewhat unique in the fact that they license homebirth/birthcenter/hospital midwifes so I was able to quickly make a list of ALL local-ish MWs.
Sorry to hear things aren't working out as you hoped. Even though I'm a NICU nurse, I considered a home birth for a short time because I just thought it would be nice to be in the comfort of my own home. Especially since I've never been hospitalized before. And I kind of wanted to do a water birth. But honestly, I know the risks involved and I know that you can have a perfectly uneventful pregnancy and things can go wrong during delivery so I'd rather be at a hospital with a level III NICU (the highest level of care available) just in case.
The lawyer thing could very well be related because OB/GYNs have the highest malpractice insurance rates, and midwives probably have a similar thing and similar fears about being sued. Parents can sue up until a child is 18 for things they believe are related to birth trauma/injury, from what I understand.
I am so sorry...how heartbreaking. The fact that you don't have a medical reason not to have a homebirth means you just need to find a practitioner, right? Have your tried widening your search? Here, MWs will come from 1-2 hours away if need be. That may avail you to more options.
I hope you can find someone who will work WITH you. GL!
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oh robbi, i'm so sorry - that's horrible!! she definitely left you in a terrible position. i'm not sure i understand why you can't use a doctor from seattle though - don't they travel to you? are they not willing to go so far?
one of my friends did a home water birth last year - i'd be happy to get info from her if you think it might help.
but yes, at least you and the baby are safe and healthy!
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
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again, thanks everyone!
Lori and Sandra, I'm finding that most midwives don't travel that far.
Most that I spoke to in Tacoma (less than 30 miles from me) wouldn't even travel to me but would take me as a patient if I wanted to birth at the free standing birth center up there. I would have been ok with that, but then we got to the topic of timing and they were all booked in Feb.
I have a few more women to call, and will follow up with the 2 that said "maybe" and it wouldn't hurt to try to call a few in Seattle and see if we could work something out but if someone in Seattle can't come to me (or meet in the middle) I don't think it would work very well for me to worry about making up to a birth center up there with traffic the way it can (sometimes) be.
I'm so lucky to live in a state that is so supportive of MWs (state licensed, insurance approved), but right now it's kind of working to my disadvantage because they are all booked up and not extremely flexible in terms of travel.
thank you for sharing your story.
However, I feel confident that a capable midwife would be able to provide all the care for me and my baby that I need safely at home.
A hospital is the last place I wanted to be without a good medical reason, so I am still very upset that I may end up there without good cause.