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The end to that story I was telling... (LONG)
This is a continuation of the story I was telling about my sister. It's also extremely weird to be writing this as I'm in really weird space right now.
She killed herself.
So, like I had said in my other post, my dad had gone to Vegas for the Beavers game. He got back Monday night, but ended up spending the night at his gf's house. He came back to the house today. He said that when he pulled up, he was already kind of ticked because the garbage cans weren't out for pickup, and he told her that was pretty much the only thing she had to do while he was gone. He let the dog in the backyard and then went in the house. He said that when he walked in the kitchen, he smelled something funky, but just thought it was the garbage that had been left under the sink for a couple days. He finished taking care of the dog, and then started going back to his room. He said once he hit the hallway, he knew what had happened - ex-LEO and he had smelled it other times on the job. He said he just had to look though.
They called my stepdad's work (he's a LEO, too) and they had one of his friends track him down to tell him. He then told my mom.
One of my dad's friends tracked me down at my internship. Everyone at the office knew something was going on, as my supervisor was talking to the big boss and she was supposed to be doing an intake. I'm not gonna lie - I totally tried to evesdop to see what was going on. I couldn't hear anything, so I browsed the nest, biding time. She walked swiftly down the hall to come get me, and swiftly back toward the boss's office. I asked if I was in trouble, and she said I wasn't. When I got to the doorway, I saw the officer there, and then I really started to wonder what was going on. He said that my dad asked him to come there and that it was something to do with my sister. My brain started reeling. I thought maybe she had shot him, and I had hoped that it wasn't so. I started breathing heavy and my hands started shaking. Then he told me that my sister had killed herself.?
As I write this, my hands are shaking and I'm almost confused as to why. I mean, I did not like this girl at all. We didn't have a relationship. In a way, I feel so far removed from the entire situation. I liken it to knowing that a soldier died, but you weren't there for it and you didn't know them - you feel sad and sorry for the family, but life goes on for you because it didn't really touch you. You know? But, I know that she was my sister and while my being knows that she's dead, and I can understand this intellectually, I'm still confused.?
I know a couple of you were really confused as to why he didn't take the gun away personally. I guess it's just one of those things that don't really make sense unless you're in the situation. Basically, she was diagnosed bipolar and had not been on medication in who knows how long. She was obviously unstable. And, I think that the reason he didn't take it from her was, in large part, due to the fact that they didn't have a real strong relationship (really, just building one), he really didn't know her (how she was, what she could do), and she was unstable. I guess it was the police side of him that was thinking, well, what if...? And, maybe he didn't think of the other side to that what if. But, I really feel that if it wasn't his gun, it would have been something else. I know that's true due to her past history with suicide attempts.
It's a really complicated situation, obviously, with lots of different aspects. I'm feeling quite strange and I really am feeling for my parents, and my little brother who has had to deal with three deaths in the past 6 months.
One thing that is going to stick with me for a while is the truth about whether or not she was still alive when we went to the house on Saturday. The lights were on in the middle of the day, leading me to believe that maybe she had left the house and hadn't come back yet. I found that note, checked the mail, and then put my dad's mail on his bed. On the way back from his room, I quickly looked in her room to see if she was there. I saw her feet, but didn't check beyond that. Dad said that when he got home, the note wasn't on the counter where we had found it. That makes me believe that she was still alive when we were there. But, it's still strange that almost all the lights in the house were on and that the note was still there (I probably would have thrown it away after I had read it). They say she died Friday night or Saturday sometime.. so, I do know.
Another thing that Alex (the DH) said he thought about when they pulled him from work (my supervisor's husband is his boss - small world) is that it's scary to think that it could have been a murder-suicide. Maybe she wouldn't have planned it that way, but what if I had said something to her and it pissed her off... or what if she had killed my dad when he came home from his trip and then herself? I think that's one of the scariest things to think about.
Anyway, I just wanted to write this out to get some of it off my chest. It's just surreal right now. Some of you may have some opinions to say about the way my dad handled the situation - I don't mind if you share them. I can understand all points of view on this, so I don't really feel like (at least at this point) I'd be offended. I don't know what time I will be checking back on the board tomorrow as we've got some business to take care of, but I will do so when I can. Thanks ladies.
Re: The end to that story I was telling... (LONG)
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I can't even express to you right now how sorry I am for you and your family's loss. I know that it sounds trivial in response to what you're going through right now. I sincerely hope that where your sister is now is a better place where she no longer is tormented by mental instability.
My thoughts before were only my own in thinking of what my own dad would have done re: the gun. Of course all families are different, and I meant to say that in the past post, but felt the conversation was over. Your dad is not to blame for her suicide - you are absolutely correct in that if she was serious about killing herself, she would have found some way to do it.
I'm just very sorry, and please please please let me or any of us know if you need to talk/vent/cry/scream over any of this. Sometimes its easier to talk to someone who isn't so close to the situation.
Again, I'm very, very sorry
I'm sorry for your loss.
I know you don't completely feel that it's a loss right now. My friend recently lost her sister and the situation was somewhat similar. They didn't speak for a long time and the sister was a drug addict. Still, she felt a loss because she was still part of her family.
My thoughts are with your family. I hope you all find comfort.
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Thank you, ladies. I feel like even if I don't get outwardly emotional about the situation, I will need a lot of strength in the upcoming days for the others in the family. Thanks for reading my long post and your good thoughts. Talk to you all again soon, I'm sure.
Lucy Elizabeth 10.27.12
You are in my thoughts and prayers...I'm so sorry you and your family have to go through this. I hope that you will allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel whenever it is that you feel it. You mentioned it's a confusing time, and you may be surprised by all the emotions that come from your sister's death even though you weren't particularly close to her. Be kind to yourself and know that we're here to listen if you need to vent.
I'm really sorry that you're going through this, I know it must be tough. You've been on my mind all morning, and will continue to be. I read your post early this morning and have been stewing on it for a couple of hours, wondering how I'd respond because the feelings you're describing hit very close to home for me. I know a lot of people question (or may be appalled by) your casual-sounding attitude, but I get it. Completely. Your situation is forcing me to deal with a situation in my own life.
I just found out that my biological father is very, very ill from a rare form of Hepatitis C and a Pancreatic disorder, and will likely die very soon. He might get better, but he probably won't and the whole thing came out of nowhere. We have a very distant relationship and I've never allowed him into my life because of the type of person he is and the things he's done. The news that he would probably die soon didn't hit me nearly as hard as I expected something like that would. I've even thought to myself, "Well, if he dies, at least I won't have to deal with him anymore." It's a very strange feeling to be indifferent about the death of a family member, but it's something you can't really explain or understand unless you've been in that position.
I've promised myself that if/when he passes, I'm going to do myself a huge favor and attend therapy. I know I have a HUGE wall up where he's concerned, and I wouldn't be surprised if other aspects of my life are deeply effected as a result. I think you owe it to yourself and to your sister to attend counseling as well (maybe even family counseling with your dad) so that you can deal with her death and eventually mourn her properly.
I'm sorry if my thoughts are all over the place. There are a lot of things that I'd like to say, but don't really know how to express them.
Oh, honey, I am so sorry. What a terrifying and devastating thing to happen. I can only hope that now your sister has found the peace she wanted.
I also think it is important for you to know there is probably nothing you could have done, beyond what you did. Suicide in adults is nearly never about anyone else, it's about the one person.
I know it will take a lot of strength to get through this difficult time. Please come and talk to us any time you need. I know I speak for everyone when I say we're all here for you.
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