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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
so frustrated-(really long)
Dh got a call from his MIL yesterday about his dad's bday. Turns out mom has decided to throw a party for FIL?on sat? at 3. UUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And of course the second DH mentioned that we already had plans she gets all upset. DH said he and the kids could just go but he said he would like it if I could come. In DH speak that means he really wants me to go with him but doesn't want to tell me not to go to GTG.
I hate that my IL's always do this. Plan things last minute and expect us to drop everything. And DH is really upset over it. He almost doesn't want to go just to get our point across but than again he wants to see the other family that is coming down for the party. But than again he is also upset with those family members cause they keep telling his mom that they never get to see DH and the kids and some of them have never even met Joaquin. Yet the baby is almost 8mths old and no one bother to call or make an effort to come see the baby all this time. Heck his parents didn't even bother coming to hospital when Joaquin was born even though they only live 10min away. And yet just because they decide to come down one day we are suppose to rearrange our already busy schedule just to see them. And more often than not, they end up not coming till too late or not at all.
I just feel so bad for DH, he loves his family and wants them to see the kids and all that but he hates that they keep doing this. And he hates that they make him feel bad for preferring to spend time with my family. Plus his family keeps insinuating that I'm the reason we don't see them. They think that I make all the decisions and that DH just does whatever I say. When it's really both of us making the decisions and DH making the final say. Granted I'm not a big fan of visiting with them but I do it and I'm pleasant and keep my mouth shut. I remind DH about their bdays and I buy all the presents and I tell DH to call his mom. I've tried planning something with them in advance a couple times only to have them cancel or forget or just decide they don't feel like it.
Last weekend MIL wanted us to come visit because a cousin was coming, DH told her I had an appt at 2 but we could go before that. MIL said she didn't know what time cousin was coming but would call us. Sat morning she calls and tells us cousin is coming at 2. And immediately asks DH to just bring the kids without me. DH kind of thinks that this is just too much of a concidence but doesn't want to think his mom would do something like this. Till he shows up at 2:30 without me, only to find out his cousin had been there for 2 hours already.
I just don't know what to do anymore and I don't know how to make DH feel better.
Uuggh anyway thanks for letting me vent and long story short I won't be going to GTG 
Re: so frustrated-(really long)
I'm so sorry Kat- that really sucks (and you will be missed at the GTG!!!).
Coming from a family that is so awesome, I sometimes have a REALLY difficult time grasping my H's family. They would pull the same kind of crap all the time. Planned something for weeks/months, then the time comes, and they are suddenly "too busy" or "forgot" or whatever... even though they really have nothing to do, lol!
My H and I got to the point where (and he made the final decision on this one- but I fully support it, lol), that we do not talk to his family unless it is on his terms. They don't have our address or phone #, and he keeps his # blocked when he calls. he loves his mom, he loves his nieces, but would prefer not to be stuck in the drama- so we just cut off contact.
I know this isn't something you're contemplating- but I was basically trying to say that sometimes you just can't ever please them- you could bend over backwards and do everything for you, and it sounds like it would just never be enough
AND that I'm so sorry you're dealing with that- it isn't fair to you or your H or your kids 
Oh HELL no. Stuff like this pisses me off to no end. Sometimes A's family will plan things at the last minute and get all butt hurt because we have other plans and can't make it. For instance, my mom will ask us what we're doing on holidays way in advance because she knows that its hard to accomodate everyone. MIL will tell us a week before that she's having dinner at such and such time. If I say we already told my family we'd be with them it seems like she gets all offended. Ugh.
I'm so sorry they're being so difficult. It sounds like you've already tried this, but I would try to plan ahead with them and if they dont want to do it, its their problem.
I'm sorry Kat!
I agree with lena though if you cant ever please them then dont worry about hurting their feelings.
((hugs))
I'm sorry you can't make it and I'm sorry you have to go through all of that too! That sucks!
You could be in my situation, though...I have NO family down here...I miss being near them...there are times I wouldn't mind a last minute invite.
Ugh. I am so sorry. For both of you. It's one thing to plan things last minute, but to freak out if you already have plans is ridiculous.
He definitly needs to set some ground rules and when they do this just say "sorry, we can't make it" Sounds like MIL will be unhappy no matter what, so whats the point in bending over backwards. But I know thats much easir said than done. H has had to do that with his fam a few times. It seems like he needs to have a talk with his mom and let her know that you guys need at least a weeks advance notice or there is no promise you guys will come. After a few times of you guys "not being able to make it" I bet they'll start planning things a little better. It'll always be an issue, but it could help. Plus he needs to tell mom to back off on the guilt trips and manipulations. So not ok.
Thanks ladies. Right now I am so over caring about their feelings. My main concern is DH. He is an only child in a very "mexican" family (take whatever non pc,stereotype you want from that). So he feels alot of the pressure. I just wish I knew how to make him feel less guilty and not think about it so much.
I know. I think this is where all of DH's guilt comes from. We both know he would miss them like crazy if they didn't live near by and he does want to see them.
Unfortunetly dealing with the guilt is someting he'll have to do on his own. He'll have to learn what boundaries to set and how to set them without letting his family guilt him into tearing them down. When a family is toxic than there really is nothing wrong with setting boundaries. He doesn't have to cut off all contact, but he has every right to limit contact for him, you and your kids sake.
I agree 100%! Boundaries are key. My situation was a totally last-straw kind... but if your H can set them down and let them know that he has his own family who have obligations as well, and that they have to schedule thing X number of days in advance or you can't make it unless you have time available- then maybe they'll see your side. They have to get used to the fact that 1) Your H is married, 2) He has a wife who also has a family 3) You have your own family and that must come first above all! (take that in any order, lol!)