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Newlywed Advice
I need some advice. My husband is a firefighter/paramedic working two jobs. We are both in school. I work full time, come home everything do household chores and spend the rest of the night (usually until midnight) doing homework. So needless to say, we don't see much of each other and do absolutly nothing out of the house together anymore. I know he is tired, I know that. I am too. No, I dont work two jobs, but I do work full time and go to school and take care of all the house stuff. I do all the cooking, cleaning laundry, bills, etc. I dont ask for help because he works two jobs. So anyways...when he is off he is so tired, and it seems like he doesn't even want to spend time together. And then I have tried to talk to him about it and I'm not getting anywhere. I have told him how much I appreciate everything he does for us, but it is very hard to not see each other. And then when I do talk to him, he just asks well what do you want me to do then. I don't want him to do anything! All I need is for him to say I know baby, and give me a hug and listen. That's it! Nothing else. But it just seems to piss him off. And I tell him I know there is nothing we can do about any of this, I just need him to let me vent to him. But its like I can't even talk to him. I just need some advice on how to get through to him and for him to not get upset.
thanks in advance! please don't tell me we shouldn't have gotten married or we need severe counseling! I've had mean people on other boards tell me that when I ask for advice. Thank you girls!
Re: Newlywed Advice
Hello, there! I used to live in Corsicana...I really liked it!
Anyway, one of the best things that I have ever done (and I've been in this situation before) is to write a letter to my husband telling him how I feel. That way I'm not beating him over the head with my feelings, I don't have to worry about starting to cry while I'm talking to him, and he can read it over and carefully consider how I'm feeling. It's worked for us in the past. Other than that, just being proactive and scheduling a date night to reconnect often helps a lot. I'm no marriage expert, but I hope that helps!
Good luck!
So sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch! It is always difficult when there isn't enough time in the day for one another. I suggest spending a nice quiet dinner with a glass of wine and opening up the conversation slowly with how you feel. Try to let him know that you don't want to start a fight that you are just trying to open up the lines of communication. The other suggestion of writing a letter is good also, especially when there isn't much time during the busy schedules to talk openly about deeper emotional feelings.
I know for my DH, he can be stubborn and just not getting it sometimes. One thing we decided to start doing differently is instituting a "date night" at least once a week. We don't necessarily have to leave the house, but we do have to spend the evening together. It has really helped to open the doors of communication. We try to do things we wouldn't normally do--like watching a show that one of us wouldn't normally watch or eating a new/different type of food...just to get out of the mundane day-to-day grind.
Hope everything works out and remember you can always ask us for suggestions and advice!!
Couseling doesn't mean your marriage is in trouble, lot of people go to couseling make sure their marriage is on track and to keep from getting in trouble.
I don't think it would be a bad idea for you guys to talk to someone to help you sort through your issues. Maybe they can find a way to help you work through times like this when you are finding it difficult to you on your own.
My husband and I have our way of handling things, but it doesn't work for everyone. Having someone help you figure this out is not a bad thing at all
It sounds like he is much like my H - whenever I vent to him he seems to think that I want him to fix whatever it is that I am venting about. Some guys are just wired to think that and they feel overwhelmed that they need to correct whatever it is that you are talking to them about.
And the thing is that I am not venting to him to get him to correct or fix the problem and I am sure that you aren't either. You just want to get it off your chest and have him listen and he doesn't understand that.
I agree with some of the above posters - set up some date nights, you don't have to go anywhere just stay at home but do something different to make it special. Eat a meal out on the porch or pack a picnic and head out to a local lake area or park.
And yes, couseling doesn't mean that your marriage is in trouble
So is there a reason he is working two jobs? Is it due to finances or some incredibly large debt that you guys are trying to pay off. I say he needs to cut down on his hours and help around the house. I do feel that you are doing far to much of the work and he sounds like he is overworked. There needs to be somewhat of a balance. Can you afford to have a house keeper or maid come in to help you?
I do agree with the poster about writing a letter. I also suggest making scheduling a data night and really go all out on this night. Dinner, movie or what ever you guys liked to do for fun before. But really I highly suggest just communicating as much as you can. While you are in school and he is working two jobs there are bound to be issues if those lines of communications are muddled.
This is exactly what crossed my mind, because that is how my H is too. It drives him crazy if there is a "problem" and he can't fix it. It caused some frustration between the two of us earlier in our relationship, but we've been able to talk it out and reach that conclusion. Before, if I vented to him he would feel like I was coming down on him for not helping enough, etc. when really I just wanted someone to talk to. He would get defensive and not want to talk anymore. Now we're aware of it and I can preface my venting by telling him I don't expect him to fix anything, I just want someone to talk things through with.
I say forget about the household chores for a night and go on a date. Maybe it will help if you can schedule it in advance. Sometimes you just have to make yourselves the priority and not feel guilty about it. Life's too short.
GL!
Just tell him as simply as you put it here. You have to spell things out with guys most of the time. Say "I know we are both stressed and tired, I just want a hug." I did this w/ my DH when we were dating. I just came home one night and said you know all I need is a hug. I just hugged him for a few seconds and I am not kidding you it made me feel better. And when I felt better, he felt better!
I completely agree! Just talk to him and let him know your expectations ahead of time. Sometime I'll preface a conversation with my husband by saying "hey hon... I want to talk. But before I say anything...can I just tell you that all I want for you to say is 'oh... I'm sorry it's hard' or 'sweetie, I hate that you've had a bad day'." So even when he says that exact thing...it makes me smile becuase I know in his way he's trying.
Exactly! Don't forget that "date night" doesn't have to cost money. But can you schedule at least 1 night a week where you have 2-3 hours with just the two of you to spend quality time together. Do those things that make you happy - go on a walk, cook together, eat popcorn & watch a movie on the couch, etc.
Also, my husband and I have recently re-implemented "high-low" converation. At the end of each day - we recap the high & low from each of our day. it takes just a couple of minutes but really helps us connect and remember to talk to each other about the little things.
Good luck!
I agree with the advice given and I am gonna suggest a book to you too. It's called Love & Respect by Emmerson Eggerichs. www.loveandrespect.com
In that book and on that site they talk about the way men and women interact. Men hear, see, think and speak in Blue. Women in pink. So when I talk to my H I am talking out of a PINK megaphone but he is hearing thru BLUE earphones...so when you may be just trying to communicate that you want a hug, he hears I am a failure as a husband or something to that effect. I am sure he is stressed because of the two job thing as you are going to work and school. I really think this book can help you see who each other think and what your needs are.
I went to a marriage encounter (www.agme.com) and my hub and I were fighting like crazy about his job. He workes looong hours and we were not doing well. That really helped. I think there is one coming up.
Hubby and I use to do a night of the week. We would each have a time of picking what we did that night. I always wanted to play games and he just wanted to sit with me on the couch and watch tv or...well you know. But we did it and the only rule was we could not complain.
And we also tried writing to each other in a journal and reading each others letters. It really helped me not to cry every time I talked and helped him not get defensive.