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Have you ever backed out of a wedding?
I was asked to be a BM in one of my BFs weddings. I have never been in a wedding other than my own and I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
When we were dress shopping yesterday the bride told us she expected us all to have our hair done @ Giovanni & Pileggi (sp?) with her the day of the wedding. She said it would only be like $60 (only $60??). Then she picked out shoes from Bridal Manor that were $64.99. The dresses she liked were about $200 (which I am fine with). Later in the day her sister (the MOH) told (not asked) all of us that we are going to OC MD for a 3 day weekend bachelorette party next summer. I have 2 young kids, I am not at all interested in leaving them for 3 days to go out partying. I'm just not in the same frame of mind as the rest of the bridesmaids, I guess.
I was the most laid back bride ever. I picked a color and let the girls pick a a dress from David's Bridal. They could wear whatever shoes they wanted and because I wanted us all to get our hair done together I paid for their hair. I know it's not my wedding so I don't have a say, but this is going to cost was more time and money then I planned. So, my question is:
How do I grecefully back out of being a bridesmaid for my BFF since 6th grade without her hating me?
Re: Have you ever backed out of a wedding?
This is what I was afraid of =(
It is so hard for me to justify saving over $500 to spend on one day (for someone else especially) when we have so many bills/expenses for our family & house that I could use that money for. The bridesmaid dress is going to cost more than my wedding dress did! I'm not a big spender at all and this is all a lot for me to handle.
I never should have said yes and I know if I stay in the wedding party I'm going to be really resentful of this whole thing.
Honestly -- isnt' it better to back out now (a year in advance) then to be bitter about the money for the next year?
At least I know from hear on out that I do NOT want to be a bridesmaid ever again. It's just not for me.
(I'm asking for honest opinions and not being defensive- it's hard to convey this over the internet.)
I think the main thing about being a BM is standing by your friend and being there with her during this special time. She probably asked you bc she really cares for your friendship and wants you there with her.
Could you talk to her about the $$ and let her know that you have absolutley no problem paying for the dress, but ask if it is possible to wear shoes you already have and not get your hair done? You could tell her that you would go to the hair salon and be there with the girls, just not have yours done.
For the bachelorette, maybe you could go for a day or two (I know it is far)? I don't think that is as huge of a deal. I would just be honest with her and let her know your reasoning around not being able to leave your 2 small children.
If the wedding is a year away, maybe you could put aside $5 a week in a "bridesmaid fund" to help with the expenses. I kinda think if you do back out, it will somehow affect the friendship. Just try and be upfront and honest about your concerns.
Good luck!
Ditto saying no to the bachelorette party. There's nothing you can do about the dress or the shoes, so I would suggest asking the bride if it's ok if you do your own hair, but still hang out with the group at the salon.
Don't forget that you will also probably be involved in the shower, which will cost some $$.
If you really want to back out, which is sounds like you do, be prepared to have her hate you and possibly not invite you to the wedding. She sounds like she's a bit controling (weren't we all, whether we realized it or not) and will freak when you say that you can't be in her wedding.
On the other hand, she may be sensative to your situation and offer to chip in some $$ for hair/shoes/dress. If the two of you have been friends this long, I think spending $500 for a really good friend's once in a lifetime wedding isn't that much.
If you are worried about the cost then be honest with the bride and tell her. However tell her in a nice way.
Also if you have a year can't you do what Krista suggested and put 20-3 dollars away each week until then?
Also you don't have to listen to the MOH. I would be polite and suggest some other alternatives that might work as well. Just tell the MOH that a 3 night away weekend just isn't in the financial cards for you, but you would still really like to be able to be a part of the bacholorette party.
I could understand dropping out if all of this was thrown on you with only 3-4 monthes to go, but honestly you have time to save if you still have a year.
Ask the bride if she minds you getting your up-do somewhere a little cheaper and then meeting up with her and everyone else at the salon afterwards.
I agree that talking to the bride is the best thing too do....I never understood how some people think they can "tell" people to do things b/c they are in their wedding.
I think as a bride if you pick a weekend away for a bachelorette party you can't expect everyone to go. That's why I'm only doing a night out b/c I want all of my girls to be able to come....and even at that if someone can't b/c of money reasons I would understand completely.
For the shoes you might have to suck it up if she has some vision of all her girls in the same shoe but like everyone said with the hair you can just agree to be there...she can't MAKE you get your hair done there. She just might want everyone together.
Good Luck!!!!!
Thanks for the suggestions, ladies! I think I will tell her that I can't make the bach party but stick it out for everything else.
I really want to be there for her but there was just so much thrown at me yesterday that I was getting really overwhelmed... I have to remind myself that it is still a year away and I can use this time to save for it.
Thanks again!
I agree with all the pp.
Also, my sister/MOH wanted to go to OCMD for my bachelorette party and was really mad at my friends (I have a small BP, but quite a few girlfriends) when a lot of them couldn't make it. In fact, it wasn't going to be much $$$ for the trip, but they big thing was getting off work. Anyway, my sister was trying to plan this as a surprise and when she told me I told her I didn't want it because I knew (without actually knowing people had already said no) not everyone was going to be able to make it, and it was more important for me to have everyone there then have some fancy weekend in MD.
Maybe this is the same case. Talk to MOH and see if the bride has specifically requested the b-party be in OCMD or if the plans are someone else's idea. The bride may feel the same way that I did.
Good luck.
2012 Reading Challenge
I think everyone said most of what can be said.
I just did a bach party in OCMD and it was the most expensive one I've ever been involved in, so I would think it's fine for you to not go. If they still do that, you can do what the SIL of the bride did for us and find out where they go for dinner one night and send a bottle of wine to the table. It was a nice way for her to be a part of things without spending a ton.
I'm late on all of this, but I agree with all the pp's. I would definitely talk to the bride to see what can be done.
I was asked two times to be a bmaid and declined... one - because it was the same day as my graduate school graduation. I made it to the reception but not the ceremony. second - my H had just left real estate and we were really unsteady with money so I declined. I thought I was nice about it, but apparently she hates my guts now and never got over it. Whatever.
I backed out of a wedding because I am pregnant and don't want to be in any of her pictures that way or be uncomfortable since we all know weddings are a long day!
I would see if you could maybe go one day to the bachlorette party and come home. I am going to the dinner of the bachlorette and not the clubbing part afterwards. Then you will at least be participating.
As for the hair, I would just tell her that you cannot afford to go to that place, but you will make other arrangements. I've heard of bridemaids having to do that before.
(Don't forget to budget for the cost of the shower!! that's even more expensive than the dress, sometimes!)