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Not A Good Day (uber long)
It started off good. Didn't end so well.
My dad, who is 52, has been in and out of hospital for the past 3 years. Like, every two months he is being put in an ambulance (sometimes airlifted because he lives in a small town in QLD and it's faster to get him to hospital that way).
So, he landed in hospital again last week. My sisters and I learnt of this from an uncle as an afterthought during a phone call for something else. Dad's body is shutting down all over the place. Blood pressure was something like 265 over 200 and something when he arrived at the hospital. When it dropped, he lost conciousness. Damage to the brain and heart. Liver is functioning at 25%. Fluid is in his lungs and heart. Kidneys are shot. He has had pancreatitis for the past few years. Pnuemonia has a very likely chance of happening. He can't breathe properly.
Basically his entire body is failing him now. It has been for a while now but it looks like it's gearing up for it's final whallop. The doctors all say that, if he were their family, they'd be booking flights to be with him right now because it does not look good.
I got the news right before I had to put Maya down for her afternoon nap. She wouldn't go down and took 2 hours to go to sleep, during which I lost it and yelled at her until finally she cried herself to sleep. When she woke, she cried for a good half hour because of she was still upset at me yelling and losing my temper at her like that. I feel utterly awful for yelling at her. OMG! How could I yell at my sweet baby like that!
So, maxed out the credit card to pay the $1,000 ticket to Bundaberg to be with my dad. Leaving Maya at home (ugh) with my mum. I have my first pro wedding shoot this Saturday and I cannot let the bride down and have her be without a photographer on her big day. But I can just see it now, that I will have to leave on Thursday and still have dad be critical and not being able to afford another $1,000 to get back to him after I shoot the wedding.
I have a LOT that I have had to forgive my dad for and put behind me and I believe I did that a long time ago but I haven't been able to leap that chasm that is between us. I just wanted to love him and just have him be my dad. I just feel an overwhelming sadness FOR him. I wish he had more time with his granddaughter...that he hasn't had. There's something huge bubbling just under the surface in me that I know needs to be dealt with but I don't know how it's gonna burst through the top, what it's gonna look like....and it scares the hell outta me.
Sorry, this is so long. 
Re: Not A Good Day (uber long)
Malia & Dave & Alexa
Happily married since 2-17-08! Three since 9-9-09!
Baby Blog
Oh Tina, that sounds like a miserable situation. Don't worry about yelling at Maya, you are under a lot of stress, I'm not a mom yet but I know a lot of mums and I was also a little girl once and I believe that every parent yells at their child every once and a while. (If you didn't feel guilty about it, however, I would be worried.) You can't be a perfect mom all the time (although it sounds like you come pretty darn close
)
And I can't imagine what you are going through with your dad. But you can't shoulder all the responsibility for his choices over the years--while you can feel sad that he didn't/won't have more time with Maya, that were the choices he made, and while it sucks for you, you just have to try to let it go as much as possible. (Easier said than done, I know.) On the ticket, at least you are getting paid to come back to do the wedding, right? Can you call the airline and find out about any family emergency discounts they might be able to offer? Sometimes airlines in the US will do this.
**virtual hug for you
**
I'm SO sorry. I don't know what to say.
Big HUGS coming your way.
Don't beat yourself up about yelling at Maya!
I'm sending you a huge virutal bear hug!!!!
Married Bio
Ohhh Tina. I'm so sorry for all that you are going through
Sending lots of get well vibes and hope he pulls through. Regardless of the past right now, it is so good that you are going to spend time with him, as family is really important. If you didn't you may always wonder.
Hang in there sweets
Joining in on the virutal nestie
hug
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
My Food Blog - Good Eats 'n Sweet Treats
I love Hawaii!
Tara & Ian . 4/24/2008 . The Kahala Planning . Married
big hugs coming your way!
emotions are a scary/funny thing. i can tell you though, the best thing is to let them out.
my brother's dealt with something similar with their dad (they didn't have the best relationship). he passed away and all of sudden they were left with all these emotions/feelings. they all dealt with it differently but they did get it out and you can just see the sense of relief on their faces.
i'm so sorry you are having to deal with this.
sirensong
You're right, that is not a good day. Kids always pick up on unsettled feelings. They pick up the tension and end up fussy themselves. That's normal... happens to everyone. Give yourself a break. Take some time to think things through. Are you sure that someone else cannot photograph the wedding? I'm a photographer, too. Wish we were closer - I would take it for you. I'm in a network of photographers who will cover for each other in the event of an emergency. I have not had that, yet. Do you know other photographers? If not, is there an online forum where people ask for help? In the US, there are a few forums where photogs post looking for 2nd shooters and other help. I would put a courtesy call into the bride and make her aware of your situation. Ask if she has any other options. Who knows, she may have a backup plan herself.
Take a moment and try to clear your head.
What do you need?
Look at your options.
Little Miss Maya will be fine. It's her mama that I'm worried about. Take care of yourself. Sending love and good vibes your way.
Newlyweds since 2007
I haven't cried yet today but you're all making the tears well up again lol!
Thank you everyone, what an amazing support and bunch of people you all are (I already knew that though, just reiterating
)
It's usually times like this where you want your loved ones as close to you as possible, that's why I hate leaving Maya. I haven't left yet but I already miss her.
Surfin, I don't know any other photogs in Melbourne, unfortunately. Not sure whether she has a backup plan but I doubt that she does. She's an ex-co-worker of the hubby's and a friend and she's pretty much relying on me as their photog. Bad timing for it to happen this week but...Murphy's Law, eh?!
After this, I am definitely going to start networking and joining Melbourne photog forums.
Worse case scenario, I leave for a few days to come back and shoot the wedding and play it by ear from there. If I have to fly back, so be it. Money is money but you can never rewind time to say g'bye to someone.
*Hugs to you all*
Lots of big hugs to you, Tina. You are right, money is money and time is more valuable. Wishing you a safe trip and many, many vibes for your dad.
xoxo
I'm a bit late, but big hugs to you, Tina. I hope everything works out.
I went through similar issues when my mom passed away a couple years ago. We had a lot of unresolved issues that we never got to talk about, so if you get a chance to really talk to your dad, you should. You'll be glad you did.