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Advice - hate friend's SO
I have a friend (and brideslave) who I've posted about a few times (crappy toast, sudden move to Cali, etc.). As you can tell, we have a weird relationship and it's definitely been rocky.
She is in the process of moving to Cali with her craptastic boyfriend. This guy SUCKS. He doesn't work, collects unemployment and has her support him. They've fought on the street in 2 different cities/countries and people have approached her to offer her help out of her abusive relationship (this is why my neighbors comment a while back bothered me so much). He's a liar. He's lazy. He's a drunk. He's total trash. Really, I could go on forever about this. And the biggest thing is that she is totally changing her own values and everything for him. She's in therapy so she can learn how to keep him happy. She got laid off and isn't looking for work which is totally unlike her.
I obviously thinking she's making a huge mistake but it's her life and I can't control what she does or make decisions for her. I just don't know how to handle staying friends with her because she always wants him around and it's getting to the point where neither me nor C can stand to be in the same room as him. It's also just really hard to watch someone change so drastically. I know many people have posted about how much they hate their friends' SOs. Any tips on how to deal with this?
October 2013 February Siggy Challenge: Valentine's Day Fail
EDD 10/3/13
Re: Advice - hate friend's SO
I think you said it in your post.....You should probably tell her straight out that you don't like her bf, as every doesn't either, and that unless she can hang out without him around then you can't be friends. Once this chick realizes she's losing friends over him she'll probably start to realize her relationship with this dude is bad.
Same thing happened with my college roommate and best friend. She went out with this total POS in college and EVERYONE hated him. Any time he came over I would peace out. She got the point after awhile that everyone hated him.
I'm with shag on this one -- tell her how you feel about him, and that he's not welcome around you & C. She may cut you out of her life for it, but that's her decision, and at least you stood your ground.
Also, WTF kind of shrink is she going to in order to "know how to keep him happy"? Shouldn't her shrink be talking some sense into her?!?!
I've spoken to her about it already. So has her mom, her dad, her brother, my mom, my dad, strangers in the street, etc. I told her I was there for her if she wanted help getting out too. I was worried it would ruin our friendship, but she's heard it all so many times that she just smiles and discusses it for hours. She's made up her mind to stay with him.
I've been debating telling her that I can hang out with her but not with him. I think that would most likely completely end the friendship and I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for that. At the same time, it might be the only thing that resonates with her.
And her therapist of course doesn't say that. But she and her therapist are somehow realizing that so many of their problems are actually her problem. He yells and grabs her in the street because she's not giving him enough responsibility in the relationship. Crap like that. (And I often think therapy is problematic because you only hear the perspective of one person rather than seeing the reality of the situation.)
October 2013 February Siggy Challenge: Valentine's Day Fail
EDD 10/3/13
Be honest without hurting her feelings.
Sometimes people have to learn the hard way, it won't make a difference what you or anyone says. You can only hope that one day she will realize what she's done, and the friends that she lost along the way.
It sucks but unless she sees it for herself, there's really nothing you can do.
My mom and I were just talking abou this because she has a friend who has been in an abusive relationship for 25+ years. It's easy to point the finger at him, but she's partially to blame for choosing to put up with it. I think it's great step that she's seeing a therapist and hope they can work on making her strong enough to realize she deserves better.