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BR: Having a really bad day (LONG)
I cannot stop crying...it started last night as soon as we got home from our hospital tour. Long story short, I hate the hospital. I don't want to give birth there. As far as hospitals go, it's fine, I am sure, but the whole thing just terrifies me.
The flourescent lights, the stark lineoleum floors, the beeping monitors, all of it. I have never stayed in a hospital, ever. And I feel an overwhelming sense of dread when I think about having to be there for 2-3 days to give birth. This is supposed to be a joyful event and it is now one that I dread. Not the meeting of my LO, but the entire process of getting her here.
Their simpliest protocols bug me...for example, the mother in labor is only to receive ice chips. Why? Since when is starving yourself during a marathon recommended? And that they require all patients (ugh, the fact that they call you patient bugs me...pregnancy is not an illness) to have an IV. And be continuously monitored by the fetal monitor. Both will severely restrict my ability to move about during labor. Seems to me that they basically want to plug you in and have you flat on your back, pump you full of chemicals until the baby pops out and if that means via c-section, well so be it. They also limit the number of support people to three, but only two can stay for the actual delivery. Well how is that supposed to work when I want my DH, mom and doula there?
On top if it, I got a call today from my doctor's nurse saying I failed the one-hour glucose screen. She said my number was so high (182) that they don't even recommend my doing the three hour test. I burst into tears at my desk.
My mother is Type II and lives with us, so I have been using her glucose monitor throughout this pregnancy to test my blood and it's always been very good. Last week it was 80. So I don't understand how failing the screen with such a high number is possible, except for the fact that the glucola drink they give you is 100mg of sugar and I probably don't even consume that much in a day, let alone during a 5 minute period where they test you 1 hour later. We eat very clean and according to the low-glycemic index, which may account for my low glucose readings when I test at home.
So I am torn...I asked to get the three hour test later this week so they scheduled me for it (although they didn't think I should do it), they just want to proceed as if I have GD and go for the diabetic counseling and daily glucose monitoring for the rest of this pregnancy. According to research I've done online anything over 200 means assume it's GD. Anything from 140-200 means further testing is required. Yet they didn't offer it, I had to ask. What should I do? Go for the three hour test or go with their recommendation?
On top of it all, I am desperately trying to save my personal leave hours up so I can use them for maternity leave (we're only "given" 120 hours to which we can add our own accrued time) , but each appt. including yesterday's and the possiblility of the three hour one is eating away at my accrued hours. The fact that mentally I probably shouldn't even be at work today (cannot stop crying) weighs on me too since that would mean using even more hours to go home and just cry it all out.
Oh and my bloodwork is also indicating that I am anemic, so I have to add an iron supplement to my PNV. Not a huge deal, but given the day I am having just another straw on the camel's back.
Finally, I feel like my daughter isn't even here yet and I am already a bad mother. My profile...being nearly 35 (my birthday is in two weeks), having immediate family with Type II diabetes and having a BMI higher than 27 (quite higher actually...I am considered obese on the BMI chart) have put me in the risk category for GD and other complications.
Even though this pregnancy has been quite uneventful up until now (low BP, no spotting, no vomitting, no major weight gain...less than 10 lbs total, no swelling, consistent exercise, etc.) I cannot help but feel like the next 12 weeks are going to be doomed somehow. And I am afraid of how this all could affect the baby.
I hate to say this, but maybe I shouldn't have TTC'd. As you all now, I didn't even have BOTB until December of last year. Maybe I didn't think this all the way through enough before doing it? Maybe I should have tried to lose more weight before TTC (although I did lose 25 lbs before TTCing)? I don't know. Right now I am just feeling very overwhelmed and very worried about the next three months and maybe beyond.
Re: BR: Having a really bad day (LONG)
I am really sorry to hear you are having a rough day, but this too will pass.
And while I don't know what it is like to be pg, I know that if you weren't a good mother already, you wouldn't care what the tests say, you might not have even taken the test at all. But since you are trying to be healthy as possible & take care of your baby...I think that makes you a great mother.
Are there any other hospitals in your area that maybe you could go to since you really weren't feeling the first one? If not, what about talking to your dr and explaining to them how important it is to you that your DH, mom & doula are there?
I know it is easier said than done, but try not to stress. That isn't going to make anything better. Just know that in a few short months you will get to meet your beautiful baby girl.
Hope you feel better...and maybe take a nice llloooonnnngggg lunch!
I don't really have any advice except take a deep breath, focus on the good, and take it one day at a time. It'll get better soon!
Sending hugs your way.......
Ah...mom guilt. It starts before the baby even arrives and ends....likely never. All moms have these feelings at some point. All moms want to do everything they can to keep their babes healthy and happy and it never feels like they can do enough. You are a great mom already and your baby girl will be fine, even if you have GD.
I'm no help on the hospital thing, since I would never want to have a baby outside of one. I'll be the first to tell you how quickly things can go wrong, as I came within maybe an hour of losing my son and my own life. The hospital and the wonderful people in it saved both of us numerous times. Bring what you need to make you feel comfortable. I think most people who haven't spent time in a hospital are fearful of it (giving birth is the only pleasant thing that happens there, everything else is bad and most people there are miserable), but I think it will be less scary and hopefully more comforting once you are there.
((BIG HUGS))
oh Lori please do not be so hard on yourself!! it's easy to think all these horrible thoughts when you are being emotional like this... I have had a few good cries during this PG and i can tell you that the hormones just make it WAY worse...so keep that in mind as you are going through this
I know how you feel about the ice chip thing - I saw that Malia was allowed to have candy and asked my ob about it and she said that the rule at the hospital is ice chips only and that it's the anesthesiologists who make the rules, not the ob's. I told Brent about it and how stupid it was and he said that it's actually not a stupid rule - he said it's b/c if anything were to go wrong and they need to intubate you immediately, they can't have anything (including food) obstructing your airways. So that makes perfect sense to me so I am more ok w/it now. as far as the IV is concerned, it's along the same lines... and I know you want the most natural birth experience possible but what if something went wrong and they needed to take you to surgery as an emergency?? if your blood pressure drops, the IV is very hard to place...and in an emergency, minutes can mean the difference between life or death. so really the IV is there as a precaution on the very off chance they need to give you emergency drugs or need to put you under for surgery. I know it's not what you want but there is a good reason for it. (I know you didn't want to read my post the other day about the mom who almost died in L&D but that is exactly why they want the IV in you even you don't think you'll need it)
I am sorry about your glucose test but I wholeheartedly think that you should do the 3 hr test - I have seen lots of nesties fail the 1 hr and go on to pass the 3 hr and never have I heard anyone's doctor say it's not worth doing the 3hr test so I am baffled by that. the test is cheap - why wouldn't you do that instead of going through all sorts of unnecessary stuff if you don't have it?
I also like the pp suggestions of possibly looking into another hospital you feel better about ...or thinking about what you can bring w/you to make the room feel more homey and comfortable for you
Lori you are going to be a great mom and you have been doing really good w/being healthy during this PG (a lot more than myself I can tell you that). your daughter is going to be fine, whether you have GD or not (you'll just want to have her sooner vs later before she gets too big if that is the case b/c GD babies tend to be much bigger). it's totally normal to feel the way you are right now but also keep in my that you are also overly emotional due to all the PG hormones as well... give it some time and I know you will be feeling better soon. *hugs*
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
My Food Blog - Good Eats 'n Sweet Treats
I don't really have any advice for you either, except to calm down and don't be so hard on yourself!
As far as the ice chips go, I think Jamie's explanation sounds perfectly logical (I hadn't even questioned the fact that I could only eat ice chips) and I'm somewhat glad I didn't eat anything else. Not sure if it was the epidural or the stress from the day, but right before I started to push I got REALLY nauseous and thankfully, didn't throw up, but if there was something more than ice in my stomach, I probably would have.
And as far as not thinking about TTC all the way through. . . all I can say is that Brooke was a "surprise" baby, so I didn't even TTC and she is the greatest thing I have and will ever have done in my life.
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Oh no =( I'm so sorry to hear all this and I'm so sorry that you're dealing with so much! Don't say that you shouldn't have TTC'd though! I'm sure when your baby girl comes, you'll be so happy that you went through it all just to see her smiling face. So hang in there and focus on that light at the end of the tunnel--that's what's getting me through my hyperemesis (altho I keep telling MH maybe we shouldn't have any more kids =P).
I don't know much about GD or even diabetes in general but if you researched that the threshold is 200 and you're 182, I also think that you were right in asking for the 3-hr test and I hope that it turns out okay. GL and lots of vibes your way!!
I'm sorry you're having a bad day, Lori.
Re: the failed GD test, I would ask to take the 3-hour test. It's interesting that different doctors tell you different things when you go for the test. Some doctors tell you to fast, others tell you it doesn't matter, some say to load up on carbs before taking the test. There doesn't seem to be a standard. FWIW, I failed the 1-hour test and passed the 3-hour test.
Since you seem uncomfortable with the hospital, is there another option you could research? Does your area have any birthing centers where you can use a tub etc.?
Lori-
First and foremost i am sending loads and loads of hugs your way. Please don't be so hard on yourself.
1. Re: Glucose test-you should definitely do the 3 hour test. you have been eating healthy and doing everything right so PLEASE do not stress. Go with your gut instinct-sometimes drs just lump you in a category without taking into consideration all the different extenuating circumstances. And like you said you have been doing everything right.
2. Feeling guilt-OK no more guilt-guilt is a very unproductive emotion. People of all ages give birth to babies all over the world -in rice fields for that matter and a lot of the time the babies are just fine-healthy and happy waiting to be loved. As far as age goes 35 is super young- Re weight and BMI it sounds like you are not gaining a load of weight and that the baby is not even super big so again please please please stop worrying. You are going to be an excellent mom, you will make sure your baby is loved and that your baby has a healthy lifestyle and diet, and once you have the baby you can go back to your weight loss and exercise plan.
3. As for the hospital, I hear you, hospitals are not fun places, but if you feel really uncomfortable with this particular hospital, then explore other options, or try to make the best of it and bring things with you to make you feel comfortable. I remember when I was admitted via emmergency for my back surgery, and I was so scared and unhappy in the hospital (of course i was drugged up which did not help things) anyway I had my parents bring me scented candles and my own nightgowns and I started burning the candles-needless to say they almost booted me out of the hospital b.c apparently there are oxygen tanks everywhere and oxygen is very flammable.
Anyway hope that the above helps. Wipe away the tears and focus on the beautiful healthy child that your body is nurturing-doing what it was genetically programmed to do.
xo
Oh Lori I'm so sorry you are going through this and the hospital tour was such a disppointment. I just have to echo what other pp have said that you will change your mind as soon as you see your smiling baby. Though the hospital rules and atomosphere are sterile the rules are there for you & your baby's safety just in case and maybe you can bring your iPod and other items to help with the atmosphere.
As for the glucose test I would def. take the 3 hour test if only for your peace of mind.
I don't have much advice to give you but I do remember reading a section about anxiety episodes in WTEWYE. I think perhaps this is all hitting you at once and they are things which you feel you have no control over or other options. So perhaps this is adding to your feelings.
I really think you are going to be a fantastic mother and I also think its natural for mothers to start feeling overwhelmed close to the EDD. Its natural because you want to give little Elizabeth the best start to her life.
That's a lot of tough stuff toppling down on you all at once!
I think it's good that you're going in for the 3-hour test, and I'll cross my fingers that you get an all clear. Till then, take care and continue being the awesome, thoughtful mom that you've been all along!
I just wanted to say that you are not a bad mom and that I hope you feel better! And I'm sorry you are having such a bad day...
But at least you don't have STINKY BABY POO ALL OVER YOU!!!
Malia & Dave & Alexa
Happily married since 2-17-08! Three since 9-9-09!
Baby Blog
Lori so sorry you are having to deal with so much stuff at once. Hope you can get through it soon :::hugs:::
| Olowalu, Maui ~ August 6, 2008 |
| Family of 4 ~ April 2, 2011 |
| Family of 5 - October 24, 2012 |
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
My Food Blog - Good Eats 'n Sweet Treats
Ohhh so sorry about your day. I wish there was some advice I could give. Hang in there girl and like pp, take a deep breath, talk to your little Libby, focus on the good, and take it one day at a time.
{{{hugs}}}
I'm so sorry. I think you've reached that part of the ride where you just want to scream to get off. I think every pregnant woman has been there.
I went through many, many bad days when I was pregnant. Much worry, stress and fear, for what? I imagined being a happy, radiant, joyful pregnant lady with a perfect family and an amazing doctor. None of that worked out... things were completely beyond my control.
Your personality seems like mine. I am a take-charge, have-a-vision, have-a-plan person. I'm a perfectionist. Being pregnant is a challenge. Everything that goes with it forces you to rely on others (doctors, nurses, family and other people in your life).
The best advice I can offer is that things are not perfect... but, they are not the worst either.
Be proud of yourself for being proactive and monitoring your levels with your mom's stuff. Give yourself credit for all of the things that you have done.
Newlyweds since 2007
Oh Lori, so sorry about your crummy day!
I definitely think you should take the 3-hour test, I cannot believe that your doc told you to skip it.
I passed my GD test however since I gained so much weight during my pregnancy, my docs had me meet with a nutrionist who basically gave me the instructions like I had GD. It's not that big of a deal, just some adjustments in what you eat
When SP was born and he was such a big baby (9lbs, 9 oz), they tested him for GD every 4 hours for 24 hours - he didn't have it - but the mommy guilt totally got the better of me at that point.
I was also low on iron, borderline anemic, during my pregnancy. I took Slo Fe in addition to my PNV. I also took it after I delivered per my doc.
Hospitals are def not fun, I hope you find the right situation for your needs. Personally, I couldn't have gone through it without knowing that I was in a place that can deal with whatever happens - my peace of mind going into childbirth was that there's no better place for me than the hospital (I was also Group B Strep positive so I required antibiotics before delivery and I always planned on an epidural).
Hang in there, I hope you get lots of hugs and kisses from Joseph tonight
xoxo
I am so sorry that you are having a rough one! Please be easy on yourself...don't want to stress you or the baby!!
As for the glucose test, I would request another like you did. If you have it, not a big deal...you will be on a special diet. It doesn't mean that you are doing anything wrong..it's just some people's bodies react differently to pregnancy.
As for the hospital. Keep an open mind. I wanted to do an unmediated birth but once I was induced that went out the window. Also, if there was an emergency you would want to be in a hospital. There was meconium in my water so I am thankful I was at the hospital. You can still bring all the comforts you think you would need, do a birth plan and hire that doula if you want. We were only suppose to have one person overnight in my room, but my mom and Adam stayed with me.
((HUGS)) you already are a great mother!!
Hugs, Lori!
I've had several friends use midwives and have home births (one of my friends is a Doula), I know that can be scary too... how much have you looked into that option?
Alyson & Phil | Planning Bio | Married Bio!
Dates & Quinces Blog
I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I hope your 3 hour test goes well.
But think about this - if it turns out you have GD, you can control it and that makes a huge difference in the outcomes of the baby. Very likely she will be big (and she's already measuring big) but if you keep your sugar under control, the other possible outcomes are unlikely to happen. It's the moms who don't keep their sugar under control that can have babies with lots of issues. So it's better to know, because you can do something about it.
Please don't feel like it's your fault if you have it, either. While weight can be a contributing factor, I have a friend who was nowhere near overweight who had it (it ran in her family). It can really happen to anyone, and since your mom is type II diabetic, your outcome may have been the same regardless of your weight.
If you have questions about infants of diabetic moms, let me know. I can tell you what usually happens.
BTW, regarding the hospital stuff and wanting as few interventions as possible - I had a choice between 3 hospitals and my OB did kind of discourage one of them because of their policies about pitocin. She said that that hospital has a much higher c-section rate because of it. Can you ask your OB if there are other hospitals you can deliver at?
Since you will probably be considered high risk now, I don't think a home birth or birthing center are an option, but you should try to labor for as long as possible at home to avoid more interventions, too. That's what I'm hoping to do...but then again, I'm kind of okay with an epidural since I'm not sure I can deal with the pain. But your Bradley class will teach you methods to deal with the pain and I'm sure your doula will be able to tell you when you really need to head to the hospital.
When I did the hospital tour I asked about continuous monitoring and they said that if the baby is tolerating the contractions fine for a certain amount of time (maybe an hour) they can take me off the monitor (and just do intermittent monitoring) so I can walk around or labor in the shower. Maybe another hospital will have that option? She also said that clear liquids would be okay - like Sprite/7-Up. Their biggest concern is that if your stomach is full and you end up having to have an emergency c-section, you could vomit and aspirate, which can cause all sorts of complications.
HTH!
I'm really late in replying and I didn't read everyone else's comments yet, so I might repeat what's already been said.
I just wanted to encourage you and say that you ARE being a great mom because you are concerned with your baby's well being. You want the best for her now and are doing what you can to bring her here safely. All that you are considering, contemplating, and making decisions on is for her well being. So when you take care of you, you are taking care of her. That's being a great mom. Feel better soon! I know that all will be well.
Oh Lori, I"m so sorry you were having such a bad day. I hope you are feeling better now. I felt the same kinds of feelings, guilt, second guessing myself, like I was a bad mother already, and so on when I was given those high odds of downs a few months ago. I don't have much advice, I just wanted to let you know I feel like I really understand what you are going through right now.
BTW-I'm so proud of you for eating so well. Even if you do have GD, you won't have to change your eating habits much because you are already doing so great! Good job!
Hi Lisa -
Just a thought, is there any way to go to a birthing center? Are there any around you? It might be less convinient but may be worth it to get the experience you're looking for. Sort of 1/2 way between a hospital & a home birth...
As far as not TTC'ing, I had those same thoughts plus I hated being pregnant, I was very very depressed. I couldn't make sence of not enjoying being pregnant when it was something that I TRIED to do. Now having Ella in my life has made all of the stress, all of the tears totally worth it. If I had to go through the m/c the first time, and all of the depression during the pregnancy to have Ella in life today, I would do it 1000 times over.
It's all going to be ok. It might not be easy, but it is going to be fine. Just know that.
Cerclage placed @ 21w6d due to CI (IC)