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How do you guys handle holidays and family?
This is mostly a vent, but I'd also like to know how everyone else handles the holidays and different sides of the family.
FIL is being a big baby this year about Thanksgiving. FIL and MIL are divorced and FIL usually ditches us (DH is his only child) to go out west to visit his gf or to FL to visit his mother for all the holidays. This works for Christmas bc we do my family Christmas Day night and MIL's for Christmas Eve and we usually exchange presents with FIL a couple weeks after Christmas when he gets back from his trips. This thanksgiving is a different story. This year my bro is coming home (stationed in Ft. Campbell) so I want to see him. My Mom said she'd eat at 4 so we told FIL that we'd be there at 7 since its about an hour drive between the houses. Well he had a fit and said he's not eatting any later than 6 and he planned a meal for 5 and he's expected 5 people to eat. I hate to tell him, but we're only planning on eatting a small meal at each house. We did the "tale of three thanksgivings" a couple years ago and vowed to never do that again. FIL and DH have never had a great realationship and neither one of us really want to even go, but that would just be drama over the top.
How does everyone else handle all the parents on the Holidays?
Re: How do you guys handle holidays and family?
This is why I'm glad our families live 4 hours (drive) apart. We've decided to alternate holidays. This year we'll be with his family for Thanksgiving and mine for Christmas. We will go spend a few days with his family after Christmas. Next year it will be the opposite.
If I were you I would be spending the entire time with my brother! You can see FIL pretty much and time, right?
We try to rotate as best we can, the past few years my parents have come in from upstate NY for Thanksgiving. This year, they aren't but we're not going to MIL's (who is the next closest parent) because DH is out of vacation time.
Frankly, it's not your problem that FIL planned a meal for 5 people without making sure 5 people would actually be present for said meal. Let the man whine and moan, you aren't under any obligation to have a meal with him. Honestly, if I were you, I'd be more interested in spending time with my brother who is on leave than my whiny FIL anyway.
What a pain! I hate when ILs make these sorts of things difficult for their kids. You would think they would remember from when they got married but they never seem to do so.
We tend to alternate holidays.
We often end up driving way too much and eating beyond what should ever be allowed in one day. The best holidays we have had are the ones where we can get one family to move dinner to another day. So many people are off Friday, Sat and Sun after Thanksgiving. I see nothing wrong with having another dinner on Thanksgiving and one of those other days.
Just always remember it is a huge blessing to have family that wants to spend time with you.
This is why I loved living 8 hours away from my family!
My parents are divorced, DH's aren't. Usually on Thanksgiving we do DH's family for afternoon dinner around noon. Then we move on to my dad's house for dinner around 6pm. He lives by himself, so we kind of feel like we should spend the actual holiday with him. My mom usually gets the Friday or Saturday after Thanksgiving. This year is slightly different - dinners are at the same time. So we're splitting up this year - he'll be with his family, I'll be with mine.
Christmas usually ends up the same, somebody always get the day or so after.....
I love the holidays, except this! DH and I went on our honeymoon during Christmas and New Year's and I loved EVERY minute of not having to rush around for the holiday's!
Thankfully both sets of parents are still married so we only have two houses on T-giving. We alternate eating at each house (so did my parents). I wish someone would do a noon t-giving and the other an evening, it would be easier! For Christmas we go to my aunt & uncle's house on Christmas Eve to celebrate with my mom's family. We go to DH's after & usually spend the night (they're in Cincy, we're in Dayton). His parents' party usually lasts until midnight or later so it's no biggie to go late. I usually go to bed well before that though! Then we go to my parents on Christmas morning, then the inlaws. We really don't do anything with my dad's family during the holidays but most of his family is OOT.
Honestly I'd think of telling FIL you can only go every other year. He can think you're alternating even if you still see MIL every year too.
Other ideas-a friend & her husband went away for the weekend alone for their first T-giving as a way of asserting their independence! Another friend's in-laws do a family gathering of just mom, dad, the kids & spouses (they call it Thanksamas) on a Sunday during the holidays. My SIL,dad, and I want to do a small Sunday T-giving and/or Christmas but my mom isn't going for it. SIL's parents are divoriced so they run all over the place plus my (step) nice usually has to go to her dad's for the holidays so we never get to see everyone all at once on one day. Maybe someday
I have a huge family and we're all very close and mostly in town whereas DH has a pretty big family too but not so close and all OOT. So, we spend all major holidays with my family...it's like a 40-50 person gathering! Sometimes his brother and parents (in town) will come over too. His mom sometimes likes to do a small immediate family thing but will usually do it before/after Christmas.
One year while we were still dating I went to 3 Thanksgivings (Mom's side, Dad's side, DH's family) in a single day. Now, 2 I can handle and do all the time but 3?! I thought I was going to die! The only way I managed was to selectively eat only the "specialties" at each gathering
. Needless to say I never did that again.
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This thread is already stressing me out.
My family is divorced, but we have family friends who have "taken us in" over the years for family-oriented holidays. That said, before I met DH, it wasn't uncommon for me to do 3 or 4 stops on a given holiday (Thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas)
I have a hard time saying "no" to my family, because the guilt-factor goes through the roof when you're an only-child and your mom doesn't have anyone else to be with...
But, like pp said, I would spend the entire day with my brother if I were in your shoes. The holiday is about giving thanks, and I'd be with him as much as possible, thankful for his service and thankful for his safety.
Thanksgiving : The night before with my parents & siblings
Thanksgiving day: DH's mom & family
Christmas Eve: with my parents & siblings
Christmas Day: DH's mom & siblings. His dad & stepmom live in upstate NY so we usually don't see them for Thanksgiving. We usually go every January to visit his dad after all the holidays. This year we are actually spending Christmas morning with DH's mom & siblings, then we are flying out to NY for 4 days to spend with his dad, stepmom & sister.
We used to go to several different places for Thanksgiving & Christmas until we realized it is just so darn hard to do that. So we usually have cousins/grandparents/aunts/uncles Christmas the weekend before Christmas that way we are celebrating the holidays with our immediate families. It's so hard to go to several different places for the holidays.
Good Luck!
Our parents coordinate something with each other, for instance this year DH's parents are doing a brunch for Thanksgiving. Then my mom is doing the big dinner.
The holidays, especially Christmas get a little crazy for us, we typically go to about 6 places. DH's mom's side, DH's dad's side, DH's immediate family, my immediate family, my mom's side and my dad's side. Plus our friends usually have some sort of get together somewhere in between. They all live in the NKY area, so it makes for less driving on our part.
Everyone is usually pretty understanding if we're late or something, because we do try and hit up every house. Our family isn't big gift givers, as all the "kids" get older, so it's mainly for food and just hanging out.
I am very lucky in this situation. ILS live 3 hours aways. We did one mother's day where we did both families and it was horrible. After that we were all about the alternating.
This year we are here for Thanksgiving, which is my family's big Thanksgiving. Then we are spending my Christmas with H's family. We are celebrating Christmas with my family on the 19th and 20th. H and I are taking my parents to diner. Then my sister, BIL, H and I are all spending the night and going to wake up to a mock Christmas morning.
I have ILs that throw tantrums too, but from the very beginning I knew that if we didn't make our own plans that we would always be giving in to what they want. I know that when we have kids we aren't going to want to drag them all over the tri-state area just to satisfy both families demands.
We tell MIL and FIL where we are going and when. If they don't like it, that is their problem. We have 3 families to visit and we don't like rushing around, eating and then leaving right away, etc. After 4 years I think they've finally realized that we are going to do what we want and no amount of bitching or guilt trips is going to change our minds.
If I were you I'd have DH tell your FIL that you will be there at 7 and if that doesn't work for him then you will just stay home. Don't leave room for negotiation. It sounds harsh and you want to please people around the holidays, but you can't give in b/c someone throws a fit. Otherwise if/when you have kids they will throw a fit about seeing their grandchildren and then you're going to be dragging your kids all over for holidays.
Good Luck!
I am going to have to agree with this one. I am very firm with our decision on the holiday. If you aren't then you get pulled in every direction. for example when we go to my ILs there are 11 people staying in one house. Granted we get our own bedroom and there are 3 bathrooms, but it is a lot for me to handle. I have to say, we will stay no more than x amount of days. Otherwise I start to break down. I love them, but I don't even want that much togetherness with my family.
As for your situation, I feel for both sides. He doesn't really celebrate holidays with his dad on the holiday. Getting that chance probably means more to him than anyone realized. The same for seeing your brother. I never promote splitting for the holidays, because I don't like to. In this case, I think it might make both of you happy.
If it's just your FIL with the issue, can you invite him to join you at your family's? If the day is about family and being together, why not just broaden the spectrum a little and bring everyone together?
My next thought is that your post doesn't say how you usually spend Thanksgiving. It goes into FIL traveling for xmas, but does he travel for Thanksgiving too or is that his last time to see you guys before he leaves town. A change in his usual routine doesn't necessarily substantiate a good argument to force you to change yours. Although, I guess that's really irrelevant if at the end of the day - you want to see your brother. I'd want to see my brother in the same situation.
Our family - basically H & I do whatever works best for us in a given year. We don't buy into any tradition other than the two of us being together - wherever that happens. We've even had years where we've decided to ditch the family thing altogether and cook at home or go out for Chinese.
Also - his family does A LOT of events between Halloween and Valentine's Day - often with the same group of people over and over - and many on back-to-back days. We're expected to attend ALL of them. No. Been there - done that. It's nuts. My H picks two that matter to him for his family. I pick about the same that matter to me - and we negotiate where there are conflicts. The rest of the invites we play-by-ear on a last-minute basis depending on how we feel THAT DAY or that week.
Since my sister usually does Thanksgiving with her ILs - she invites us over for 'Leftover Thanksgiving Saturday'. I LOVE IT! It's awesome to be low key and casual, and just hang out.