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ugh, family drama. Need advice please :/
Sorry in advance for this being ridiculously long...
Ok so my sister (very immature just-turned 19 y/o) has been talking to this guy she met on the internet for the past six months (accidental FB friend request and they just hit it off I guess) and they talk all the time on webcam. Well he lives in England but has family in FL (where my sis lives) and is planning to come to FL in february to visit family and meet my sister. My mom has talked to him on the webcam too and she doesn't have any problem with him coming to visit or whatever. But then they got the bright idea that my sister should come to England for NYE to stay with him. Well my sister pretty much lied to everyone and told them bits and pieces of information so that at one point my mom was semi-ok with her going and my sister booked the ticket (about 1.5 months ago). Since then my mom has been freaking out because she really regrets letting her book it (esp since she found out more information, like that they're staying in a flat alone and not with his family- which was the original story). She's told my sister many times that she doesn't want her to go and explained why it is so unsafe and that he is coming in feb anyway so it would be only a few weeks. And my mom was planning to pay for the money she would lose by canceling the ticket and told her that she would be fine with her going for spring break or in the summer after they had met him. Well my sister is flat out refusing to listen. And, at first, my parents were on the same page about not letting her go but my sister is so freakin manipulative that she now has my dad on her side. (She has always done the divorced child thing- if my dad agrees and doesn't argue with her then she spends more time with him, which he loves b/c she lives with my mom and he only sees her when she feels like coming over) So now my dad is trying to find excuses for why he thinks this is okay (even though he doesn't even have a passport and couldn't go bail her out of some crazy situation if he had to) and my mom is stuck. She doesn't want to tell my sister to move out if she goes but it is really ridiculous for her to keep living there for free if she thinks she's independent enough to completely ignore everything my mom says (and go live in another country with her online bf when my mom is practically in tears over it every night b/c she thinks she'll never see her again.) My sister has never been out of the country and honestly would not know how to handle herself if she got into a sticky situation- she has no real back-up plan and doesn't even own a credit card. She's just such a child. I know that she's 19 and needs to learn from her own mistakes but this just feels more and more like some story you see on the evening news and think "wow, why would their family let them do something like that". It's not like she's going over there to stay in a hotel and meet him a few times. She's actually going to live with him and she technically only knows what he's told her on the webcam. We don't know a single person in Europe even so she really would have no one to go to. I'm really worried about her and my mom is freaking out every day and my sister is just so selfish that she doesn't care. She's so desperate to travel and to meet this guy that she is going no matter what. I told my mom that she should charge my sister rent when she comes back b/c she shouldn't be living there for free if she's that disrespectful. Some of my mom's friends suggested she just take her passport so she can't go at all. What do you think is the best thing to do? Sorry this is so long- my mom and I just really don't know what to do at this point.
Re: ugh, family drama. Need advice please :/
Wow that is a really tough situation.
First off, I will say that I don't think your mom can take her passport. Technically that would be stealing since your sister is not a minor, and with a passport that is a pretty big deal. Plus I think it would just make things a million times worse between her and your sister.
Are your parents on good terms? I think your mom needs to talk to your dad about it more, to try to get him to see the light. Otherwise if she does go, somehow your sister needs to be convinced to stay at a hotel. Even then though, that's really sketchy since she doesn't know anyone there. At least he knows people in Florida, you know?
Ugh, that sounds like a load of stress. I think at 19, she might not be able to see the dangers in this. Can you work out a safety plan with her?
Is anyone able to go with her? I agree that taking her passport away is not going to help the situation... when did she get it? You can pray it's expired...
I'd see if you can get someone to go with her. Either your mom or a friend or a different family member. Just someone to be there physically nearby to make sure she is okay. It will make everyone else feel better about her going even if it annoys her.
About the living at home for free thing, if your mom charges rent, is she just going to run off to live with your dad for free instead? That's kind of what it seems like.
Sorry you're in this situation. Family drama sucks.
There's nothing you can do. She's 19. The best thing you can do is stay by the phone should she need to call you if something disastrous happens.
FWIW, my first time across Europe, I was 19 y/o and alone. I met my boyfriend of a year over there (he was studying abroad), but I don't think what your sister is doing is that out there for a 19 y/o. These days, this is just how dating is done. It's not like way back when I was a youngun.
Wow, that does sound difficult. I can imagine the stress you and your mom feel over this. I think it is a great idea to have someone go with her. And I agree that taking her passport is probably not the best idea, since she is an adult. Even if no one can go with her, preparing an exit plan if things go sour or even asking her to check in with you guys daily could help alleviate some stress.
Would your sister respond to your mom sitting down with her and talking the whole thing over with her? If she's going and there's nothing she can do to stop her, maybe one way to reach her would be to sit her down as an adult and talk about the dangers with her, so she's at least informed when she gets out there.
As pp has stated, she IS 19, and legally there's nothing anyone can do to keep her from going. Taking the passport would only be adding fuel to the fire, so I think that's a bad idea right there...
I met a friend from the internets once when I was 19 - he was in MD, I was here in MA, and I was alone. True, it's not Europe, but still... I made sure I had a safety contact the whole time, told my parents when I would call them ahead of time, just in case, stuff like that... I know you and your mom are concerned, but sometimes there are things that need to be done - rather than clipping her wings, let her fly... but be there for her.
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Sorry you've been put in the middle of this and your family is so stressed!
I agree with others who have said she's 19 and there's not much you can do about it. Just help her to make the situation go as smoothly as possible so everyone can feel a little better about it. Use your travel experiences to help her if you are worried about her figuring it out on her own- figure out if her cell phone will work over there, tell her to get a list of emergency contact info, ask her to make copies of her passport both to carry with her and leave with your mom, have your mom ask her to check in every now and then, ask her to leave alternate contact info. I understand your point about her living under your mom's roof, but she is an adult. This could end up being a huge step toward maturity for her.
Let us know how it turns out!
I'm new to the board... and have introduced myself briefly once or twice... but thought I could offer a bit here since H and I (as well as my younger sister) have all lived and traveled extensively overseas. It was definitely tough on our parents at first, but as we've gotten older they've gotten used to our footloose style.
As others have said, there's nothing you can do to prevent her from going since she's 19. There are, however, some things you can do to help ease your mind. Other people have suggested some really great ideas, and I would definitely lay down some ground rules.
First, set up a Skype "date" with this guy ahead of time that involves him, as well as you, your mom, your sister and whomever else wants to be involved. That way you have the chance to talk to him in advance "face to face". Skype is free computer to computer, and it also offers cheap rates if you use it to call landlines/cell phones, but you can use whatever software you're/they're comfortable with. I would also make sure she calls you on Skype (or whatever) as soon as she gets there, and checks in every day. If you're really freaked out, I would set up some sort of a "safe word" that she could use if she gets into trouble (either via email or on the phone). I doubt it would be necessary, but it may give you a semblance of comfort.
The credit card is a great idea, but make sure it's got a low balance.
Get this guy's address and full name ahead of time, and get the information for his family in Florida (as well as in the UK.) Can you talk to the family in Florida in advance, as well? That may help to alleviate some concerns.
As a going away present, get her a phone card that she can use from the UK to call you from a pay phone, if necessary, a guide book for the area, a pop up map of streets, etc., and a small laminated card with emergency numbers (family, US Embassy, UK police, etc.) Don't forget to notify the US Embassy that she is in the country, too. It's not often necessary, but it can't hurt and it may help you to relax some.
Traveling overseas is a wonderful experience... but I totally understand where you're coming from here.
Yikes. Like every1 else, really look into this guy, and she needs a card so she can be independent while there if she needs to be.
Where in England is she going? Find out where the hotels and hostels are so she has names/numbers/addresses if she is uncomfortable staying with him once she is there. She could stay in a youth hostel for a couple days while she gets to know him before crashing at his place. Also, make sure that her cell phone will work while there? I think there are fewer issues with that now, but some phones don't work on both networks, or depending on what her plan is she might not be able to make phone calls while abroad, and that would be easier than her trying to figure out how to make an international call. Also, an adaptor for her cell charger.
Just wanted to add that most U.S. phones are locked from being able to use overseas. You can call, however, and see if they will unlock it. Or you can purchase a new one that is already unlocked. Just make sure in both cases they have a GSM band. (Not all cell phones do).
But once your sister is there, she will need to get a SIM card so she can use it. (That will change her phone number to a UK number. She can swap out the SIM card when she gets back so it's her old number.)