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I need to vent- re: my sister.
My only sister is over nine years younger than me. I, for this reason, have always had a "mother-y" relationship with her. I try not to be a parent to her, but sometimes I can't help myself. Sometimes my parents play the "let her make her own mistakes" game too, which I think is a pile of crap.
My sister, for her part- has always been... let's say, impulsive. She isn't a planner, doesn't tend to think ahead. I think that my parents overly encourage this behavior. She is 22 now, has graduated from college- and my parents still pay for her rent, cell phone, car... (none of which they did for me- I never expected them to, though).
So now, my sister has decided to move to Hawaii. She is planning to work on an organic farm on Maui. She will not be paid, but her room & board will be provided. Her BA is in the area of sociology, and her emphasis was on organic farming and foods. She will be moving with her boyfriend.
Oh- and she bought her plane ticket already- she has not officially been offered a job yet, nor has she told her current employer. And she will have to break her lease and pay a penalty.
I am really torn right now. I want her to have a good experience, but I fear that she is romanticizing what this experience will be like. She went to Hawaii with my parents last year- they paid for everything and stayed on the beach at a resort. I don't think she is fully grasping that she will be in a rural area with no money or any way to get around. This is not going to be like a vacation- she will be doing very physically demanding manual labor, with no real compensation. I should add that she could have decided to work at any number of other farms in the US, but chose the one on Maui.
My parents haven't said anything against this, and I don't want to lose my ties with my only sibling- but I think she is really not thinking this through.
Would you say something to her? Or should I let her go off and make her own mistakes?
Phew, that got long. Cookies for all who read that!
Re: I need to vent- re: my sister.
If it was my sister I would say something....I would actually say a lot. She is clearly not thinking clearly!!!!
My sister is 8 yrs younger than me. I have a similar relationship as mothery. I tell my sister what I think she she makes decisions I think are foolish. She can take it or leave it, but I am her sister and care about her future.
Hee hee... 6 or so years ago, I broke up with a BF and made plans to take my graphic design degree back home to Iowa to work on an organic farm. I bet my mom was pretty worried. I ended up loving the work, by my back hated me, and the realities of not getting paid worth crap set in quickly. (I ended up leaving the farm after a few months and returning to my career in Seattle...and future husband).
I'm glad no one told me how dumb I was...there was some learning to it...and no harm done, I just got a better job after I left. Still...
...there wasn't anyone paying my rent/phone/bills/etc for me! wow! What are your parent's doing that for?!?!? I'd personally probably give my sis and parents hell for that if it were the case...but not sure how far you can push it. Still...I could see how that would instill a care-free attitude about life changes/consequences in your sister.
In some ways, the more you say something the more she may want to go ahead and do what she wants even more. I understand how you feel though. If you want her to know how you feel about it and it'll make you feel better, you should say something. I personally wouldn't say anything but I think that has more to do with my relationship with my sister.
While I was in grad school my sister moved to China with her BF at the time to teach English and got paid peanuts and I didn't say anything. The SARS outbreak forced her to come home and I think she learned on her lesson the hard way. She could have been going to grad school too, paid for by our dad, and now she knows that because she went against my parents wishes and did this, if she wants her MA she'll have to pay for it. She also missed out on building her career in what she wanted to do. People her age with the same degree had more years of experience than her by the time she got back that no one hired her for a while.
Maybe it'll be worth it to your sister to let her know what opportunites she may miss out on if she does this but since we all know she's going anyway, try your best to love her through it.
See, this is my first inclination too- and I know that Michael feels the same way. But I have (more or less) held back so far, as I know she sees me as the boring, overly-cautious teacher. EVERYTHING I do has a plan- even when I'm a bit more daring its planned. I did take off and live in foreign countries, but I did it while in school.
Maybe it is teacher-y too? But when I see my 13 year olds making poor choices, I tell them. They can take it or leave it. But now its my sister- and she isn't 16 anymore. So is 22 old enough to be this independent? Or too old to be?
That's too funny- what a wacky coincidence! I'm glad to see that you feel it was a worthwhile experience! I don't think she is planning on making a life in Maui, but who the heck knows. I would be 100% fine with her choosing to go anywhere in the continental US- I feel like the Maui part is what really bothers me. She just has no clue that it will NOT be like when Mommy & Daddy were taking her out to fancy restaurants.
As far as my parents and the way they treat her- they have always said that they regretted letting me work during HS (and into college a bit, too). They felt that I didn't get to focus on school or social things enough. So my sister was largely encouraged NOT to work for ages, and my parents compensated by paying for stuff.
I have never made a big deal out of this- except for one very annoying event. When I graduated from HS, my parents gave me a pair of pearl earrings. I thought it was a nice gift! When my sister graduated, they got her a top-of-the-line Mac Book. I didn't say anything about this... until my sister spilled tea all over the MacBook and they got her a new one!!! She is always making mistakes and my parents pick up her slack. Its the "Baby of the family" thing, I guess.
This is what keeps me quiet. I know that she may be driven further away and more into this situation if I pipe up too much. Her BF is a nice guy, but he is flighty like her- probably sees me as a very boring person too. So my opinion may fall on deaf ears.
Ugh this stuff is difficult!!!
Ugh. From a practical side, Hawaii is ridiculously expensive so it's going to be very hard. From a fun side, Maui, woohoo! I say let her go. I understand the motherly instinct, but she's an adult and she's obviously going to do it with or without your approval. Plus if she does make a go of it, you will have a free place to stay in Maui!
I moved to St. Loius when I was 23 for a stupid boy. Everyone and their dog told me not to. But 1) I was going to do it no matter what. and 2) them telling me don't go was like a challenge to me. As in, I'll show them they were wrong.
In retrospect, I should have listened. But oh well, I learned some very imporant lessons and I am who I am today because of that bad decision.
So, IMO, I would let her know your feelings, but go into it knowing you won't chang her mind. Do your parents plan on supporting her while she's there?
What's that saying? "Experience is the best teacher, but the tuition is high." or something like that.
22 (and 23!) year olds think they have it all figured out.
Ya know what, I did too. I moved here for a boy in 1998 against everyone's advice. But the flip on it is that 12 years later it ended up being the best decision of my life. So her going to Hawaii could end up going either way. She'll either figure out it's not for her and move back or it will lead her someplace great. Either way, I think she's gonna be just fine. Elisa and I turned out ok :-) Sometimes ya gotta take the chance.
re: my parents supporting her while in Hawaii- I'm not sure if they realize she has bought her plane ticket! And I'm NOT going to be the one to tell them- my mom was talking over Thanksgiving about her taking a civil service exam. Haha But if history is any indication, they will probably continue.
Yeah, I guess this is the time in her life when these snap decisions aren't a bad thing- at least not as much as they would be at my age! Hopefully she will learn something important, good or bad.
And I agree with Becky- I only have one sibling, and I love her, no matter what! I think she knows that, but it always is worth repeating.
And I agree- you ladies turned out just fine! Maybe you could give my sister a run down on how to grow up into responsible adults? haha
re: my parents supporting her while in Hawaii- I'm not sure if they realize she has bought her plane ticket! And I'm NOT going to be the one to tell them- my mom was talking over Thanksgiving about her taking a civil service exam. Haha But if history is any indication, they will probably continue.
Yeah, I guess this is the time in her life when these snap decisions aren't a bad thing- at least not as much as they would be at my age! Hopefully she will learn something important, good or bad.
And I agree with Becky- I only have one sibling, and I love her, no matter what! I think she knows that, but it always is worth repeating.
And I agree- you ladies turned out just fine! Maybe you could give my sister a run down on how to grow up into responsible adults? haha
How would this really hurt her? I honestly think this is a good move and help her learn and grow up.
~~~MARRIED BIO~~~