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Losing my faith in the in-laws (seriously epic)
So I accidently saw an e-mail between my husband and my FIL. I was looking for another e-mail in his archieves that he was telling me about yesterday, so don't worry I wasn't snooping in his e-mail. I thought I had found said e-mail and went to read it. I quickly realized it was not said e-mail and clicked out - but not before I got the jist of what it said.
Background: I usually shop with my dad on Christmas Eve. Since Christmas is with J's family this year, I wasn't going to go. But then J told me he was planning working up until the 23rd and taking a train to his parents late Christmas Eve morning, I thought that maybe I could take off the 23rd, go home to my parents, shop Christmas Eve morning, and take a bus to J's parents and arrive in CT at the same time J does. From there, we would go to dinner with J's family. We wouldn't be missing any sort of other Christmas activities since the festivities start with dinner.
However, so far, this is just an idea. And when I spoke to my parents this weekend, they said they didn't think it would be such a good idea because of my back (it would add about 4 hours of traveling). Plus, they aren't really doing individual gifts this year, they're buying things they can both use. So I probably wasn't going to end up doing it, but I wanted to talk to my father about it one more time before I nixed the idea completely.
I think J mentioned this to him mom a few weeks ago and I guess she told my FIL. My FIL sent J a message asking him about it and J told him it was a possibility but we don't have any set plans yet and I'll be in CT by the same time he is for dinner.
FIL's response to that was a long, angry e-mail about how disapointed he is in me and how Holidays are supposed to work, this isn't what they agreed to, and he's mad I'll be missing out how family activities (which I wouldn't be). He also started into a whole arguement about how we need to learn how marriage works and this isn't it, blahblahblah.
I stopped reading then because I realized this wasn't the e-mail J told me about. J basically handled it perfectly. He e-mailed back with a brief message saying that FIL was completely wrong, we'd be arriving at the same time therefore missing nothing, and J was very upset and FIL should spare his lectures because J was done listening to his BS. He finished by simply stating he'd see him on the 24th.
J has said nothing to me and I know he won't. I really wish I hadn't seen the e-mail because J handled it, it's over. But now I'm angry and resentful towards my FIL and I'm worried about my relationship with my in-laws in the future.
My parents would NEVER think this way. If J wanted to do something similar, they?d just say, ?Great! We?ll see you guys at dinner then. Have fun!? It?s so freaking selfish. I don?t know why they have to be so possessive over us. They?re going to see me at the same exact time whether I see my dad that morning or not. The best part is my parents INVITED his entire family to spend Thanksgiving with us. So my parents took their one holiday with us and offered to share it with my in-laws so we could spend it together.
They claim to be Christian, but this is seems very unchristian of them. They?re also incredibly judgmental. They talk about the filth on TV but then laugh their asses off when my BIL makes a grossly obscene ?that?s what she said? joke. I?m mentioning this because it?s hard for me to have a relationship with people who are so blatantly short-sighted and hypocritical.
They?re generally nice people and I enjoy their company, but this is so hard to get past. I don?t know how I?m going to enjoy Christmas knowing this is how I feel. It?s hard for me to be social when I?m worrying about the future of our relationship and what kind of crap they?re going to throw at us once we have kids. It bothers me that they think they're morally superior to us.
I won?t bring it up to J. He?s already struggling with his relationship with his parents without me and I want him to resolve it on his own. He?s upset that they never visit. We haven?t seen his mom in about 6 months because they haven?t visited. We used to spend a lot of money on train tickets to visit once every month and half or so but since they weren?t reciprocating, he decided to stop. And it?s not like they don?t ever get out ? they go to visit other parts of the extended family just not us. My parents come down to visit once every two months or so. J sees this and doesn?t understand why his parents can?t behave the same way.
Sorry it?s so long. I wanted to talk about it with someone, but it?s kind of like how you don?t want to talk to your friends about your problems with your husband because they don?t see the whole picture . . . This was the most private way to do it. Ugh.
Re: Losing my faith in the in-laws (seriously epic)
That sucks, they definitely have no right to take that attitude. I'm sorry you're in the middle of this.
And I understand you don't want to talk to DH about it, but if it bothers you so much, I think you should. It's possible that he hasn't mentioned anything to you because he doesn't want to upset you, but you're already upset, and it might help for you two to have someone in the situation to talk to.
Ahhh the curse of the in-laws. The people you don't have to love but need to in order to have a decent life, the people you would love to be able to hate but can't.
Sounds like J did his best to be able to handle it. If it were me, I would still bring it up to him. I know sometimes things are better left unsaid, but in this case, I predict it will come up again one way or another and I think it would be good for you to hear his support of you. Sometimes just knowing you are dealing with something as a team and a united front is more comfortable and may help take away the anxiety you are and will be feeling about your future relationship with them.
Good news is that J sounds to be COMPLETELY Team C and that is how it should be.
I have to agree with the pp. I would tell J you saw that email, I know you don't want to but Karrey's right, it will come back one way or another. Make sure that you tell him what you told us - that he handled it perfectly and thank him for that.
I have a similiar relationship with my parents that J does, it's frustrating but it's always reassuring when P tells me I handled something good with them.
I'm sorry that you are both dealing with this. Sometimes I don't know where we went wrong in raising our parents.
This is my BIGGEST pet peeve in life. . .
I'm sorry they're being so difficult and crappy
. I'm glad J is dealing with them, but I'm sad for both of you that he has to. Big (while being careful not to hurt your back) hugs!
I guess I feel bad because if I had been paying attention, I would have known this wasn't the e-mail. The e-mail I was looking for was about going to see extended family on the 26th and our concern about the sleeping arrangments due to my back (it's always something). He told it was from his mom but I forgot and when I saw an e-mail from an in-law that said something about the holidays, I clicked on it. So even though I wasn't snooping, I feel guilty about invading his privacy.
J is definitely on team C. I never have to worry about that. He had this great like, "How dare you tell me how my marriage is supposed to work." I was impressed. I've never had an opportunity to use "How dare you?" in an argument.
I'm late to the party, but want to say that I'd tell J.
"J when I was looking for the email you wanted me to see, I clicked on another, thinking it was it and read what your dad wrote about the possible plans for Christmas. My feelings were hurt by what your dad had written, but I wanted you to know that what you wrote really made me feel better. I'm so glad we're on the same page. I just wanted to talk to you about it, b/c if the issue comes up again, I want us to stay on the same page."
Hope it all works out for the best, and I'm sorry they're being jerks.
Late here, too....
BUT- on the other hand... I would be terribly pleased that DH is on Team C and there is no question about it. It's nice to hear, but it's also nice to see-even when you weren't meant to.
I'd probably tell him you saw the email, just so he knows... as I know I'd prob be acting weird around FIL just cause I knew how he reacted...
So sorry they're being this way!
I'm going to get flamed for this, but it seems to me that "Judge not lest ye be judged" (Matthew 7:1) and "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" (John 8:7) are passages of the Bible that many "Christians" tend to write off, unfortunately. They apply their Christianity as it suits, rather than as it was intended. I just want to ask these people..."Really!?!?! Is THAT how Jesus would handle this?!?!" Then slap a WWJD sticker on their forehead.
At any rate, I would bring it up to DH. I think it's important that he knows how you feel. This insult too big of a burden to bear in secret, and you already know he is on your side. Eventually, you have to decide how toxic people are and whether or not it's worth the drama. (Which is a problem I also have) All I'm saying is that this will probably come up again and you will be tempted to bring it up. Might as well get it off your chest now.