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FIL vent / holidays
Sorry guys.. I know I'm always venting about FIL.. But I was really surprised the other day because my DH is actually mad about this, and for him to be mad about his parents takes a lot.
DH called his dad on Thanksgiving - no response. Not a call back to wish us a Happy Thanksgiving, and didn't offer to get together.
DH has called his dad many of the past weekends, including to see if his dad would go along to the Great Escape holiday event with DD. His dad never answers his cell (to screen calls, I'm sure), then calls back when it's "too late" or makes up some BS excuse as so why he can't go.
DH was mad because his dad comes here like 3-4x a year, doesn't return calls, doesn't even call on holidays no less stops by.
The thing is now he is totally blowing us off for his girlfriend - for example when I was in the hospital when I had the baby, FIL was supposed to visit me in the evening with DH, and instead he showed up unannounced in the middle of the day (and saw me with both boobs out trying to nurse the baby). He didn't bring a card or gift or food or anything (he has never), and I know he showed up early because he spends his evenings with his girlfriend.
I doubt he will come by on Christmas, and I know he won't get the kids any gifts. (Which is fine, this is not about gifts... just some kind of nice gesture since I've known him for 10 years would be nice).
I know, people don't change.. I was just surprised this has gotten to the point where it is the first time DH has ever said he's mad.
(BTW - if you think I'm being harsh - he has borrowed thousands of $ from us- never repaid - 2 years ago he "borrowed" money that he never repaid, and I sold an heirloom of my mom's to pay our taxes.)
Re: FIL vent / holidays
So this may not be what you want to hear but...it's my opinion. I'm really sorry that you have to go through this. But at the same time, I think you need to stop setting your expectations for him so high. He has a poor track record that you've told us about and I'm sure there are other things that you haven't mentioned.
Just for example, visiting you at the hospital. Yes, the timing was way bad and for that, I'd be angry. But no card/gift? Eh, I mean there could be worse things (my dad's father never met me at all though he lived within 10 minutes from my parents - first time I saw him was when he was on the news protesting something and I saw my last name...I was 15). I know it's a bit different because your girls have met him before and you obviously want him involved (my Dad did too but it just didn't work).
I guess my point is that by now, you know his patterns and he probably isn't going to break them. Frustrating? Upsetting? Disappointing? Definitely. But in the end, you know you can predict this so I think if I were you I'd strap in for the ride because I don't think there's much you can do and the stress of it is more than you need with 2 kiddos.
One of the best things my Dad did with regards to his father situation was always say to us "You know what, if he doesn't think we're important, it's HIM who is missing out. Not you." And to this day, I am really thankful for hearing that because I know that people who are worth my effort give the same effort back in any sort of relationship.
:hugs:
I hear you.. and I don't have any expectations of him any more. The only thing that has changed is that DH won't lend him more money.
Oh - I should mention - DH went to lunch with his dad on his (DH's) birthday, and DH paid for both their meals.
So I'm not trying to sound materialistic like about the gifts - I guess I just have fond memories of my grandparents giving us things (not necessarily $ related) - like i have the cards saved from when I was a baby.. I was kind of hoping for the same with the girls, little mementos of the past that I can save for them. They won't see grandpa a lot but at least when I do a baby book or whatever I would have for instance, a card from when they were born or a pressed flower or something. I am sooo sooo sick of paying for FIL's stuff (loans, meals, etc..), it would have been *nice* for him to go to the dollar store and show up with a card... but yea I no longer expect it.
I think my DH is just gotten to the point where he is sick of it. And yea, he has given up on bothering to invite his dad over for special occasions.
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well if your DH is *finally* upset then maybe he can do something to change the situation- its not your father- it's his ...but I agree with GLL, you know his history and the sooner you dont expect anything from him the easier it will be for you...
and I would have never sold something of my mothers to pay the taxes- i would have made my DH figure it out if he was the one who loaned the $- I think these things are the underlying issues and why your FIL bothrs you so much...you need to deal with the emotions surrounding these issues and move on for your own sanity...and then dont expect anything from you MIL, FIL or anyone other than your own husband and children.
As someone who was a child of a grandfather who wasn't ever around/really didn't put forth effort, I have to say that as a 24 year old it's a lot easier for me to swallow now because I don't have anything from him. He brought a lot of stress to my family and to me, something like a card or flower would just remind me of that stress. I guess that because it's not brought up a lot, I don't have more resentment or "what ifs" regarding our relationship. Even right now thinking about it, I'm a little sad that he missed out on some great moments but much better off that my family didn't drag the stress of him into everything we did.
I know each family/person has to deal with it in their own way but I'm just trying to give the "kid" perpspective from another situation
You do have a good point... I was close with my grandparents so I can'ta understand the "feeling ditched" thing. Also for DH to always deal with the disappointment of his dad falling through on pretty much everything he says.
It stinks too because my DD is always saying how she wants to go to Grandpa's place and stuff.. yea not going to happen.. should be interesting to see how things play out when she gets older.
I guess I just don't understand a lot of people - I am used to being generous, loyal, really caring about others - and not getting anything in return (like a phone call or e-mail etc) feels so hurtful!
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